I watch Ghost Hunters.  Well, I watch two parts of Ghost Hunters.  The tour, where the person who owns the potentially haunted property takes the big guy and the little guy around and points out the haunted places. 

“And one time, in that corner, my cousin felt like…a hand…on her butt.  And she turned around and nobody was there.  And in the upstairs bathroom somtimes blood comes out of the faucet and the ghost killed my dad.”

And the reveal, where they show the person all the stuff they did or did not find.  This is sometimes awkward, especially when they find out the person was full of shit.

Well, we didn’t catch any audio or video.  And we didn’t have any personal experiences.  We checked out the story your cousin told, and found out that the hand on her butt was in fact your hand and that you are no longer allowed around her.  And we looked into the bathroom story as well.  Your dad is in fact alive.  He’s standing right there.  And you made the part about the blood up.  Thanks for wasting our time, fucko.

But it isn’t ALWAYS that way.  Sometimes they find stuff!  Look!

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The 4th of July is the day when we celebrate our independence. And every single way we do it is extra extra deadly. Other than National-Stab-Me-But-Miss-My-Vital-Organs-Day it’s the most dangerous holiday we have. So to help you stay safe, I am going to give you a list of all the ways the 4th of July can kill you.

• Packing a picnic basket: You can forget to wrap the knives in napkins and then when you reach back in you slit your own wrist. Also usually picnic baskets have scorpions in them.
• Getting out early: If you are one of those people who is all standing by the car tapping your foot at 5:30 AM worrying about the traffic, then someone else who is going with you will get up about 9 and kill you cause nobody likes pricks like you.
• Driving somewhere: You could die from listening to endless droning about gas prices. You could die of heat exhaustion sitting in traffic (you should have left earlier).
• Staying Home: Inviting people over can get you run over while you tell them where to park.
• Grilling: Spattering fat could go in your eye and while you stagger around in pain you could fall down a well. You could also have a heart attack while “fixing a plate.”
• Outdoor Sports: Arguing calls in softball will get you shot. Old School Jarts. The Ducky Boys could show up and wreck your football game.
• Swimming: Crashing helicopters always aim for water. And everyone thinks they have time to dodge the crashing helicopter. They don’t.
• Sparklers: Sure - give a 1000 degree flame stick to a little kid.
• Fire Crackers: 400 people choked on firecrackers last year. They aren’t candy.
• Watching the Fireworks: Saying “Ohhh” and “Ahhh” and then laughing will make me come and kill you.
• Driving Home: You can die from the disappointment over the finale, and bitch about how it is over so fast these days compared to when you were younger.
• Having Sex when you get home: You can die from the disappointment over the finale, and bitch about how it is over so fast these days compared to when you were younger.

Just go to the cemetery tomorrow - it is the safest place to be! And thanks, ImpNerd.

You know, over at Polisicks, where I put on a hat with a tag in the lapel that says “press” (because I am old school like that), I try and read as much stuff as possible in hopes of looking for something interesting to post. Most of the time it is okay, sometimes it is rubbish, like the story I was recently reading about how the press will now follow Obama around 24-7.

But when you’re scanning the one-sentence headers and see “9/11 canine hero to be cloned,” well then you have to click on that story.

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Hey kids, it’s JW here. Today, I am going to help you. Offer you a service of sorts.

Let’s say you’ve got your shit together and you’re dating someone you love. You’re far enough along in that relationship to talk about things like marriage and kids and all that fun stuff that comes with thinking about being a “grown-up.” Both of you are smart, well informed, hip, intelligent and you both know that your union can create a great little human.

DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.

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Johnathon pulled out of the driveway at 7 am. This was far earlier than he was used to getting up, but it was worth it. He was on his way to see Lucy, his girlfriend of three years who was away for school up north. He hadn’t seen her since Christmas break and, frankly, that was too long for a 21 year-old male. He had decided that he was going to be classy and rent a nice, new car. With gas prices where they were, a Civic Hybrid seemed the best bet. Prepared as always, (what good Boy Scout isn’t?) John had a driving kit all ready: mix tapes, a cooler of pop and sandwiches, and a pillow if he wanted to take a nap on the six hour drive; next to this kit lay a half dozen roses.

Read the rest after the jump!

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Jason Mraz is funny and quirky with a cool range of influences; he’s opened for and played with some fairly impressive bands, like The Rolling Stones. And he’s pretty darn cute which is why we made an album for him. Cute guy playing fun music=winner.

Oh. And he owns an avocado farm. That made me laugh.

I was going to embed a song from his new album but the upload site is fuckered. Maybe later.

Jason Mraz

We have this gorgeous tongue pic of Kristen Bell courtesy of The Tongue Show. You might want to be careful about wishing her tongue touched parts of you; I would fear electrocution.  Also, she reminds me of a less awful Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Kristen Bell Tongue

Simon Rex has finally stepped out from beneath the shadows of former MTV Rock & Jock legends Bill Bellamy and Dan Cortez to carve his own niche in the entertainment industry ( I know you’ve all been waiting for that, btw). The former gay porn star turned VJ turned thespian, is now a myspace superstar/rapper who goes by the name Dirt Nasty. If you’re into tits, talking about your dick, listening to people talk about their dicks, Halo/Xbox live, and sexy chola love, Dirt Nasty will get heavy rotation in your iPod.

Videos and more after the jump!

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Summer used to be when all the networks would go on break. They would trot out reruns of what you saw over the fall/winter and spring, and that’s all we had to go with.

Of course now it is a bit different, as there is a need, a DESIRE if you will for people to watch new and original programming 12 months of the year. So, here are the weirdest things on television for these next few months.

Read the list after the jump!

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God was just about done creating humans but he had two parts left over:

Read this funny email forward in its entirety after the jump!

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