AHS: Roanoke Sucked. Here’s Why

Categories:LOLZ, Reviews, TV
Acadia Einstein


Let me start out by saying that I am generally a fan of things like American Horror Story. Things with an extended universe. Having things linked together gives fans something to talk about and appreciate beyond the story being told to them directly. And that’s where Roanoke goes wrong. 

In a macro sense, the AHS squad let me down because the Roanoke season screwed up what the show is supposed to be. It wasn’t scary. And it also wasn’t fun. And it also took a dangerous turn, in my opinion, because part of what made it go wrong hit at the core of what used to make it good. 

So to hit the easy part first, there was no Emma Roberts. I get that she needs to film Scream Queens but come on. Coven was the best and it was because of her. Sure she just has one character she can play so far but whatever. She needs to be back. 


The second thing, and this hits at the heart of it, Roanoke had no suspense. None. We knew in the first episode that the house was haunted and then we just got ALL the information really fast in the first half of the season.

  • The ghosts can kill people during the blood moon.
  • There were hillbilly helpers.
  • Old timey people were the ghosts.
  • Also Lady Gaga

After we knew that, it was over.  Sure there was a bit of suspense regarding what would happen when the first “show” was over, but once we knew it was just another show all the suspense, and even the scariness, was gone.  Once the second “show” started, they TOLD us everyone was going to die.  So there was a game Bangs and I invented about betting on who lived (she won by cheating) but other than that it was just the same story again.

  • The ghosts can kill people during the blood moon.
  • There were hillbilly helpers.
  • Old timey people were the ghosts.
  • Also Lady Gaga

So it seemed like there might be a twist at the end of the second act where Lee was the new Lady Gaga.  Maybe, since we were told off-show that Gaga was the first Supreme in America, there would be a hand off scene to maybe see how things progressed but nope.


We don’t even see any real witch stuff except maybe that she got acquitted?  But if she did that why didn’t she just make her daughter love her?


How great would it have been if we got this exchange?

Lee (seeing her husband): U ded?

Husband: Bish I might be!

But nope.  Why have the ghost involved when we can have…not the ghost?

And then, in the third “show” it was the same thing.

  • The ghosts can kill people during the blood moon.
  • There were hillbilly helpers.
  • Old timey people were the ghosts.
  • Also Lady Gaga

Big swerve with the no Lady Gaga, Ryan Murphy….  *glares*.  And bringing Lana back was supposed to do what?  Make everyone mark out because THEY REMEMBER THAT CHARACTER?  Meh.  And the hillbilly showing up had no bearing on anything.

No suspense.

Trying to figure out what a character is going to do is suspense.  Being told everyone will die and guessing which one person will live is stupid.

Don’t ever tell me the same thing three times in a row and try to make me think it is fresh and new, American Horror Story.  I am used to you having plot lines that makes no sense and go nowhere.  If you had done a couple more of those, this season would not have sucked so much.  Live and learn.

Next season better be on a ship and Emma better be in it.  Now that you have dropped hints about how Roanoke touches every other season (here is a good link on that) you can concentrate on making a good story instead of this year’s nonsense.

I have run the site since 2005. And I have to say I am pretty damn proud of it. I wrote the book Whalewolf (sold on Smashwords.com) and am not even close to tired so I am just going to keep going. I was born in Portland, Maine and I currently live in New York and Charlotte, North Carolina. I keep hoping that at some point all these weird rebels are gonna say: "SURPRISE!" and act normal. Eight years and counting....

One Comment

  1. Cider
    November 20, 2016 at 2:16 pm

    I concur this sounds wicked dumb and I am glad you watched it so I didn’t have to.

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