Cramsey
I’m not feeling very PFFT today, so instead I’m going to talk about pessimism.
PFFT!
What’s the deal with negativity? Being pessimistic about things never got anything accomplished. It does nothing except stress you out, raise your blood pressure, clog your arteries, make your nose hairs grow faster and spoil the milk in your fridge.
Pessimism is the leading cause of cancer in the United States. It’s responsible for high mortality rates among polydactyl kittens. Pessimism is the reason Rick Santorum is such a goober. It’s a gateway drug to hate speech, trolling, flaming and douchebaggery.
What can you do to protect yourself?
This is a shout-out to all my homies that deal with migraines.
PFFFFT ON YOU, MIGRAINES!
Interesting medical fact – While the exact causes of migraines are unknown, one of the theories is that a trigger causes blood vessels or tissue in the brain to swell, cutting off blood flow and pressing on nerves, causing pain, nausea, etc.
Regardless of the physiological workings behind them, migraines suck more than an over-zealous prom date. If migraines were people, they would be the douche bags that show up at your party and start fights with your sister.
Women’s restrooms are the most ridiculously slow public facilities in existence and for NO GOOD REASON.
PFFT!!!
I’m a woman. I also use the restroom faster than most of the population, male and female, including washing my hands. I have no idea what women do inside restroom stalls. I bet if asked, most of them would say “I just peeeeee!”
NO YOU DON’T.
There’s no way. You must be doing something else, like manufacturing heavy machinery or practicing quantum physics. Pee time is not the time to draft the next chapter of that novel you’ve been working on for the last six years. It’s not time to examine your hair for split ends.
Seriously. Every woman out there has seen a line coming out of the ladies restroom and thought “Oh crap.” We ALL think that and yet, the majority of women take FOREVER to do whatever it is they’re doing in there. And that doesn’t count standing at the counter, fluffing your hair, reapplying lipstick, chatting about the bartender, etc.
The rest of us still have to pee!!!
GET OUT OF THE WAY!
Christmas cards. PFFT! I’m fairly sure I’m going to break a few hearts with this article, but come on people!
Christmas cards (and greeting cards in general) are simply a lazy, “Big Mac and Fries” way to express sentiment to someone without having to actually interact with them.
The douche-nozzle responsible for this travesty was Sir Henry Cole. In London in 1843, he came up with the concept of sending greeting cards at Christmas time. The first Christmas card looked like this (after the jump of course):
So there’s this big buzz about the Great Pyramid at Giza right now. Apparently, archeologists were really close to discovering what was at the bottom of two of the four shafts built into the pyramid. Two of the shafts point upward at the sky, and if you watch Ancient Aliens, you know they’re some sort of openings for a long-dead energy device that the pyramid was originally built for. DUH.
The other two point downward deeper into the pyramid itself. Earlier this year, archeologists sent a robot down one of the 8-inch square shafts and found the end was blocked by a limestone slab with two copper pins in it. So they tried the other shaft with the same result. So they drilled a hole in that one and found…ANOTHER SLAB. Then Egypt got pissy and they had to stop their research temporarily.
Okay. This is all mildly intriguing, but I’ve seen enough Discovery Channel/History Channel/Science Channel/Nat Geo specials about Egypt (read: ALL OF THEM) to know how this is going to end already.
They’re going to drill a hole in the second slab and they’re going to find…
So there is a new writer. Christy Ramsey. You can call her Cramsey. Or Crammer. Or Christy I guess. She has her own site but as part of her plea bargain she has to write here, too. Her site is TGNP.me which stands for something but I don’t remember what it is. I’m pretty self-centered… But she’s funny so go see her prove it. — Acadia