The Blind Side.
… Michel Oher tears his achilles tendon and can no longer play college football. He gets a girl pregnant, drops out of school to support his new family selling crack in his old neighborhood. He is gunned down by his own biological mother, after ordering a quesadilla, while in the drive thru at Taco Bell.
… on the plane, Saito’s phone call does not work. They arrest Jack when he goes through customs and throw him in jail. He is gang raped and then stabbed in a prison knife fight. After slowly dying, he suddenly wakes up to see his wife’s face above him. He begins to cry, hugging and kissing her. But she is angry that he did not believe they were asleep and while he slumbered still, she filed for divorce. He loses the house, all his money, custody of his children and his beloved dog in the proceeding court battle. He dies a lonely man, filled with regret.
… Batman dies. The End.
V for Vendetta.
… everyone gathers to watch Parliament explode but nothing happens. The crowd starts to get anxious and small fights begin breaking out. Before long, there is a full-scale riot. The police and armed forces lock everything and everyone down. Broadcasts go out shaming the nation and everyone goes back to believing the lies of government because its easier. Censorship runs rampant. The populace enjoys cheeseburgers while watching G Rated sitcoms and religious telecasts. Rick Perry is made the new High Chancellor.
The Shawshank Redemption.
… Andy makes it through the tunnel but gets horribly sick on account of all the feces he had to crawl through. He passes out in the bank while withdrawing money. An ambulance is called. In the hospital he is recognized by nurses and turned back in to the prison system. An additional 99 years are tacked on to his sentence. Red gets out, is hopeless and eventually hangs himself like Brooks. The new warden exploits everyone by signing a telemarketing contract with At&T.
… Detective David Mills looks into the box and there are cupcakes. They take Joe Doe back to the police station, while he spins a wild story about a drug deal that didn’t go down, a ton of money unaccounted for, and fearing for his like because some Hungarians are looking to post his bail. At the trial, the Detective is accused of being a racist, the defense has Joe Doe try on some gloves (the whole case against him is riding on them being at one of the crime scenes) while he on the witness stand – they don’t fit. The jury acquits him. Years later he goes to jail any way, for stealing some boxes from the back of a 7-11. He claims he was just going to build a clubhouse because it was his day off.
Dear Mr. Zach Galifianakis
Your name rhymes with Nalifianakis
If I had two dollars
To make you holler
I’d hope it sounded like: Halifianakis
You are sexy because of your scowls
And packed foodie hamster jowls
I love a good beard
It makes one look feared
My vagina, you are welcome to prowl
I imagine we meet on the street
Of some town that smells of rank feet
I offer perfume
And the use of my womb
To a motel we head to stain sheets
We relax with an after sex smoke
You tell me a story, then joke
About your nutsack
My face you attack
Your pubes up my nose and I choke
Shouting to get me some Help
A Beatles rendition you yelp
We both have a giggle
Your tummy it jiggles
I swoon like a bed of sea kelp
But we cannot have more than is this
One night wrapped in heavenly bliss
We both say goodbyes
With tears in my eyes
I hope you didn’t give me Hollywood Herpes
Is that Fonzi I see on skis?!?
Tonight (thank you sweet cherub baby Jesus for providing us DVR capabilities) (I think) I finally finished up this Season (6) of Dexter.
John Lithgow’s performance on the show just cannot be followed; Dexter peaked at Season Four with “The Trinity Killer” and not a damn thing has been right since then. Losing your show’s head writer will sometimes do that to you.
I struggled through watching Julia Stiles character Lumen Pierce (Season Five) on screen. I felt like Tori Amos was going to bust into Cornflake girl at any moment, so help me. Every episode felt like molasses, no surprises, no emotional ties to characters, it gave me nothing. But I watched, just like I slugged on over to the couch during every episode that aired with Jimmy Smits because with every uphill climb, there has got to be a downward slide. So, I entered into Season Six thinking, please. Please, pick up the pieces and give me something to really get behind before I leave you in the kill room with your cellophane wrapped corpse and more bizarre with every episode hair.
LOOK OUT FOR THAT SHARK!!!
Dex has so far tackled: a bad childhood nightmare, unholy big brother type, oh no you are gonna get caught!, weirdo daddy issues, coming to terms with attachment to others, infidelity, killing an innocent, shaking off a groupie, wedding, family, fake family, becoming a groupie, rape, revenge, sympathy… what could ever be left? Religion.
Le Sigh. Here is the round up. Delivered, via Haiku.
A few months back, Google mentions their :: super secret clubhouse you must know the handshake stand in line behind the ropes beta social network launch :: that you can technically join but ONLY if you have an invite (until public). Oh please. If there is anything I am skilled doing it is eye batting (and research). It took me 24 hours worth of hunting, down urine soaked back alleys, that I found a swarthy guy who knew a swarthier guy, who introduced me to Kaiser Sose’s (who wasn’t yet invited either) lawyer, who set up a meet with Jimmy Two Times, who gave me a map to a wharf, where I met a woman on the run by the name of Sandiego, who DID have an invite and was willing to trade for a Cheeseburger Happy Meal. Those things contain crack I’m telling you GIVE ME A CHEESEBURGER I WANT A MCDONALDS CHEESEBURGER cheeseburger, omg cheeseburger thank you for the cheeseburger (for Capitalism Feeding Advertising Opportunity: Please contact Site Administrator).
<sarcastic non-brag brag>
I got in that first week. SQUEEE!! And so did as many friends as I could drag with me, offering them invites on a silver platter, because
once you were in, it was Big Pimpin’ all the way. I look so good with a cane in one hand and a hanger in the other.
</sarcastic non-brag brag>
But shiny things always dull and roses really smell like, never mind, I hate that song.
When I was younger, my parents rarely allowed us to watch television. Growing up in a cultish Christian home, the TV we did watch was never what my friends were allowed, thus I have more memories of shows like NOVA and Dr. Who (PBS was King) than I do MTV; my parents still do not have cable and probably never will. As an adult, I have gone through two large periods of my life negating TV by choice – the last time was around eight years long. Television is a fairly new thing to me. It is a time suck I both love and hate.
After tuning out, things look and feel very weird when viewing becomes routine again; TV watching is an act stupid in itself to me, so my habits probably seem retarded to most. I find Infomercials fascinating. The news, a complete joke. I spend more time analyzing the amount of makeup people wear rather than listening to what they are saying – not that they are saying much, the news one finds on television is more like watching a talk show with way less chair throwing and fat people in spandex. Dramatic fictional series seem so far from reality to me, their story-lines revolving mostly around interpersonal connections with each other, which are supposed to be representative of what we experience every day (?). I honestly, don’t know that many people dealing with infidelity in a workplace setting. Maybe it is indicative of what we all wish would occur.
I tend to read non-fiction more than fiction and strive for information rather than entertainment which would logically cause one to assume I enjoy Discovery and History channel type programming. But that is an assumption bathed in a whole lot of wrong. My husband has gotten me into watching English Football and several “series” types, like Dexter and The Walking Dead but when I have the remote, much to the chagrin of every one around me, I always choose Reality TV in some form. To me, it is far more informative than any other programming on, because it gives me insight into how society operates and functions, as well as what they find stimulating and worthy of knowing. I tend to look for patterns of behavior in the series I view, over time, I make mental projections about what I watch combined with information I read independently. My creative deductions are better suited for science fiction than science, but who knows, centuries from now some scholar might exclaim “She totally called that sh*t” as scholars will do (no scholar does that). Here is the shortlist of what I watch (or have watched) and the conclusions I have come to as a result.
You won’t lose weight because cheeseburgers are better than church, you won’t be a better person because your heart is black like soot, and you sure as hell won’t quit smoking because if raising the price to a black market kidney per pack didn’t persuade you nothing will.
Why do New Years Resolutions always encompass drastic life altering self promises? You are liars. All of you. I am le unimpressed.
I like it simple. I like it attainable.
After the Jump: Things I Resolve To Do in 2012