Fiction
You may have all forgotten that I am an accomplished author. Well allow me to rectify that.
I am an accomplished author.
Go buy Whalewolf. I get $.56 cents every time someone buys it for $.99 cents. Apparently I have a terrible agent. Wondering if it’s any good? Well check out this review from renowned literary critic N. Jill Marsh.
Okay, bought and read. I enjoyed it except for the two typos. You need a copy editor, dude.
So buy the thing so I can afford to hire a copy editor to fix it. Then again, she’s from Canada so who knows what she thinks a typo is. Maybe I spelled “check” without a Q. Go ahead and buy it and maybe you can find the typos. Now it is not just a book, it’s an adventure!
I think I did it! Click the gray button to buy it! PayPal!
[purchase_link id="28089" text="" style="button" color="gray"]
Acadia wished he had some cologne. Or some gum. Or anything. The place stank. Super-secret agent and world-class assassin Acadia Einstein was crouched in the corner of a stable in Dubai waiting for a woman to get off her cell phone and leave. His life was complicated.
The woman on the phone’s name was Signy Eriksdottir. She was Icelandic. Pale, blonde and impossibly tall, she was arguing with the owner of the stable Acadia was currently crouched in. Her prize race horse, The Pride of Fezzle Corners, had been quartered there for two weeks and the conditions in his stall were nothing short of 
horrific. Acadia didn’t even know they sold Pringles in Dubai but it seems like that is all they fed the poor horse.
After a while the woman hung up (or hit a button on her phone anyway, cell phones make it hard to be dramatic on the phone) and Acadia crouched down a little lower. He was in a real jam. If Signy decided to come back into the stable and check some other stalls, then he might be discovered. He needed her to get gone.
Just his luck, she started back his way. He was armed to the teeth and knew a hundred ways to incapacitate a person (or outright kill them) with his bare hands so it wasn’t that he was worried. It was just that SHE was just as good as he was, and he had a price on his head. So what did he do? Sit in this smelly stall wishing for aromatherapy massage oil and a shower or get out in the open and throw down? As he stood up ready for the fight of his life Signy’s phone rang again. She angrily barked into the phone in Icelandic and whirled around, her long legs striding back to her car.
He could take her out now. He had the shot. But he would never do anybody like that. Every agent he had ever killed was looking straight in his eyes when they died. Except the big fat dude he pushed into the volcano. Screw that guy.
Acadia dusted himself off, looked at the sad horse eating Pringles and walked back to his car which was parked on the other side of the compound. Soon, Signy. Maybe not here in Dubai. But soon.
The Dog Died First
On April 2, 2011 I wondered out loud during Podcaturday what would happen if a werewolf bit a whale. Beans and Melzer told me to write it so I did. Now I need you to buy it as I assume it will make me rich. This is legit, too. It’s a whole story. Check out the description of Whalewolf:
What happens when a werewolf decides it wants seafood? Find out how a detective from a small town in South Florida learns how big wolves can get. He also finds out that his girlfriend might be into some weird stuff but that’s not the main point of the story. Focus on the werewolf and the whale! This story is guaranteed to contain no less than one whale and one werewolf or your money back.
That’s a pretty sweet deal right there. It’s only $.99 so if you don’t buy it it means you’re poor. So ha ha….poor person. Remember, that’s Whalewolf – only ninety nine cents!
This week I don’t have a ton of time to be yapping about Podcaturday cause I decided during the broadcast that I was going to write a story and I have actually been doing it so I can’t be messing around. I’m almost done and I’m gonna sell that shit and be rich. But if you want to know what we talked about, here’s a list.
- Wrestling (not each other, Wrestlemania)
- The Top Chef Finale
- Coffin Nail Neil thinking I want to ram him.
- Who’s better, Superman or Batman?
- My new story that I am SELLING!
- Dr. Nob’s Weekly call in and helpful tips on how I should beg for money.
So listen up. And get your wallets out cause my story drops tomorrow!
Acadia has been a huge help (weird, I know,) in pushing promotion for my brand new dark fantasy eBook, The Goblin Market, which became available for purchase last week on Amazon and Smashwords for just $2.99.
We were butting heads like a couple of crazy rams in the middle of a field yesterday, when Acadia said, “Beans, you should do one of your giveaways on The Gallery this week.”
Clever, Acadia. Because we share completely different reader-bases, and when you put a novel out you want to reach as large an audience as possible. A lot of my readers over at The Inner Bean already know I’m writing and putting out novels, but maybe the faithful and dedicated readers here at The Gallery didn’t know that.
I’m giving away 5 eBook copies of The Goblin Market every day this week, as you may have guessed from the title of this post. Even if you didn’t guess, now you know. Winning one is relatively easy. On Monday I gave copies away to the first five people to comment on my site about their favorite fairy tales. Tuesday I gave away five more to commenters sharing their thoughts on what makes a good villain. Today, winning one is going to be a tad bit harder…
Every Saturday, Acadia, Melz and I hook up for Podcaturday. You know, the weekly round table discussion with three people who know everything about nothing… We have a hot line you can call into, and we play your voice mails on the show each week. If you want to win one of today’s 5 eBook copies, all you have to do is call the Podcaturday hot line at 206-888-1710 and leave message tell us what your favorite fantasy movie is. That’s it! Easy peasy, right? We will announce the winners on Saturday’s episode of Podcaturday and play your voice mails live on the show as we lead into talking about our own favorite fantasy movies.
So say you don’t want to wait until Saturday morning to find out if you won a copy of The Goblin Market? You can pick one up on Amazon or Smashwords for $2.99… less than a Tall Caramel Machiatto at Starbucks and you’re helping an indy author grow her fanbase and readership.