Commercials
When one is disarming a bomb, one needs to keep calm. Panic causes mistakes and makes one sweat. Then the sweat gets in ones eyes and ruins their designer T-shirts. Agent Acadia Einstein knew all this because he was currently ruining his shirt and squinting terribly and wished that standard secret agent attire included a giant Paul Pierce style headband. Acadia was a the Hanalei Bay Resort and the bomb had been found in the lost luggage room. Einstein wasn’t even supposed to be there. Just his luck.
The trip to Hawaii was going to be a quick stopover: pick up some microfilm, go to Dog the Bounty Hunter’s house and cut his GD hair, (that was personal, not business) then fly to Singapore for the real mission. He was supposed to pick up the film at this hotel but his contact never showed. And when he was about to leave he heard one of the employees say that a suitcase was ticking. And Einstein, having once been tricked by a very large rectangular clock, wandered over to the lost luggage room to see if he could help. At first glance, it was totally not a clock.
So now he had the back hinges of the case removed and was working on the bomb from the back. It didn’t seem too complex and he was sure he could have it defused quickly but then realized why he was sweating so much. This was all wrong. Microfilm? Someone in a hotel just yelling out that there was a bomb in the hotel? Them just letting some guy from the lobby start defusing it? Nobody calls the cops? This is a huge trap. He straightened up and stopped working on the “bomb”. As he turned around he heard the click of a gun. A tall Hawaiian with a polo shirt, khaki pants and a pistol with a silencer was behind him. Acadia had never seen him before.
“Mr. Einstein, I need you to come with me. I assure you that the ‘bomb’ is harmless and the hotel will be quite fine. To be honest I am a little surprised that you fell for any of this.”
Acadia couldn’t disagree. The whole thing seemed so stupid in retrospect. Maybe he had been drugged back in Portland? As he walked down a narrow hallway into the back of the hotel he casually assessed his situation. Nobody in front of him. Tall guy with the gun behind him. He could still hear the bustle of the hotel and there was no way this goof would shoot him right then. The door at the other end of the hallway was too far away. Why drag a bleeding corpse down a hall when you can just make him walk and then shoot him?
He took his chance and spun around quickly – his lightning speed caught the tall guy by surprise, as did Einstein’s Peruvian Jaw Splitter punch. The tall man dropped like a stick and the gun rattled against the floor. Acadia grabbed it. It felt…
“This gun is made of wood!” he said to nobody. What kind of ridiculous trap is this?
“The kind that you don’t escape from…Mr. Einstein.”
Acadia turned around to see the ugliest man he had ever seen. He had heard about him but never seen him. But that face. It had to be him. Captain Blap. This was serious. Captain Blap clapped his hands, his terrible face jiggling in a way that was just…wrong. Three guys came out of a door Acadia hadn’t even seen. Maybe he had been drugged. No matter. One guy blew powder in his face and on his way to the floor he realized this was serious…
Halloween was going to be ruined. There was no way around it. Agent Acadia Einstein was pretty dejected. Halloween was the one night per year that all spies and agents had a truce. It had been that way since 1948, when a Russian agent undercover in Pittsburgh shot his own wife by mistake because she was dressed as Uncle Sam. The word spread around the community that since Halloween was the night that EVERYONE pretended to be someone else, all the spies should use those 24 hours to take it easy.
And by taking it easy, they meant to have ridiculous parties and get wasted. Technically the truce lasted until about noon the next day, since there had been a “hangover exemption” adopted in 1952. So while the agents might not party together, they were certainly able to have parties in whatever town they happened to call home. And for Agent Einstein, that meant Portland, Maine. His party was going to flop because he didn’t have an mp3 converter. When it came to guns and ways to kill a guy, Acadia was second to none. But for simple computer tasks Einstein was no….Einstein.
He was sitting dejectedly in his apartment, his impeccable Dread Pirate Roberts costume perfect in every detail, when he heard the doorbell to his penthouse ring. It was 2 hours before the party was supposed to start, he had no music and someone was already there? Ugh. He walked across the living room resolved to send the person away if they were dressed as Hurricane Sandy and opened the door….
So some of you might know that I recently moved into a new house. What you might not know is that I got a fancy faucet from Danze and in exchange for it I agreed to write this review. Honestly the thing is so cool I would have agreed to write some crazy manifesto declaring my independence from America and instituting my own post office.
Lucky for me all they wanted me to do was to brag talk about my faucet. This is way easier. So here comes the exciting story of MY KITCHEN!
I visited the great state of Hawaii and I maintain that everyone should visit Hawaii before they die. Of course, when you visit Hawaii, you will find the pristine beaches and spectacular sunsets everyone expects to see, but there are many other reasons to hop on a plane and fly across the Pacific Ocean for your vacation. Here are a few other reasons why everyone should visit Hawaii before they die.
- Fresh Kona coffee—also known as the nectar of the gods.
- Volcanoes—if you don’t already appreciate the power and beauty of Mother Nature, you will once you see dormant volcanic craters that resemble moonscapes or the glow of active lava flows, edging toward the shoreline.
- Adventure, adventure and more adventure—if guided bus tours are not your thing, it’s easy to experience the scenery in a more adventurous manner. You can go cliff-diving, hang-gliding, surfing, jet skiing, parasailing, snorkeling, scuba diving, biking, kayaking, horseback riding, take a zip line tour…the list goes on and on.
- Research scientists with more curiosity than good sense—in Hawaii, you might see research scientists in a teeny-tiny, 10-foot long inflatable boat, floating alongside a 50-foot long, 70,000-pound Humpback Whale which, at any moment, could flap its tail and launch said scientists and their teeny-tiny boat into the air.
- Fresh Kona coffee—did I already mention the coffee?
When you get to Hawaii, you’re going to need a place to stay, right? Start your vacation planning at www.aquaresorts.com and check out their collection of Waikiki hotels on the beach. They offer specials and vacation packages for a variety of Hawaiian destinations. It’s time to visit Hawaii so you can cross off another item on your bucket list and it only takes one quick click to get started!
Acadia could hear the car running in what had to be a warehouse. It was a old BMW diesel and the sweet rumbling of the engine helped him get his bearings. He was about 25 feet from the bay door, which was open. The cool salt air from Portland harbor (Portland, Maine that is) rolled in to the large bay. Acadia could hear cars in the distance but was sure he was near the water. Probably on one of the piers. He was processing this information while the goons who had grabbed him at the airport (he was still trying to figure out how anyone even knew he was coming) dragged him into what he presumed was the back room. They always dragged him into the back room. Acadia sighed through the bag they had put over his head.
He was plopped into a chair which mercifully had a hard seat (that James Bond movie really freaked him out) and took the bag off. He was surprised to see…nobody he had ever seen in his life. Dude was wearing an apron. Acadia ran down the list of his enemies really quick to make sure he wasn’t missing anything:
- Signy Eriksdottir – Still in Dubai
- Hanlon the Foot – Prison
- Fat Margo – Retired, she tours schools outlining the common symptoms of diabetes
- Dr. Dale – A chiropractor who adjusted your FACE! He was still out there but Acadia hadn’t heard of him for a while.
“Who are you?” Acadia said. “And why do you wear that apron?”
This is a commercial – the Nature’s Sleep company gave me one of these things to review and it really is cool. But I will only do commercials if they are written like I am a spy, so here goes. I’m no sell out! Kind of! — Acadia
The Nature’s Sleep Mattress Topper was delivered to Acadia’s penthouse when he wasn’t home. Being a secret agent, he was often greeted with new items when he came home from a mission and today was no different.
He had just been in San Diego (mission accomplished!) and was now home and needed to get this thing on his bed. It is impossible to exaggerate how sore one can get from secret agenting, and the west coast assignment was tough. He had bruises all over and needed sleep. But between him and the rest he so desperately needed was a box.
Inside the box was a very tightly packed…chunk of foam. Could there be a Mexican dwarf hiding in there with a knife? One time on a mission in London a Mexican dwarf was hidden in a laundry bag for three days before springing out with a knife in his teeth. That bag was about the same size as the box. And the item did ship within 2 business days of his order. So maybe there could be a dwarf in there…