Why didn’t anyone tell me this?

Sangfroid

According to Cosmo wearing socks actually improves sex for women. Why didn't anyone tell me this?




I heard a joke once: A man had finally given his wife multiple orgasms but she still wasn't happy. Apparently it doesn't count if there's five years between the first and second one.

*RIMSHOT*

There's a woman in Queens who might be the wife in that joke. She's filed a lawsuit because her Kushyfoot Shaping Tights didn't improve her "overall psychological and bodily comfort." In case you don't speak lawyer that's a euphemism for screaming orgasm.

Plaintiff WANG relied on the commercial and believed in the effectiveness and comfort of the Products. To her disappointment she found that the Purchased Products did not even feel different from her regular socks and tights.

"I'll have what she's having." Said Rob Reiner's mother after Meg Ryan did her thing in When Harry Met Sally. The blue plate special was probably as helpful as a $7.94 pair of tights even when the ad for them is suggestively titled "Super Satisfied."

Super Satisfied doesn't come close to: "What are these piles of hay doing here?" for exciting porn dialog (NSFW). It certainly doesn't have Meg Ryan's volume and enthusiasm. A woman walks through a neighborhood saying things like: "That's the spot." and "So Good." In most cities I've visited you cross the street when you see someone talking to themselves.

Cosmo's Ten Sexy Socks That Will Help You Orgasm.

While there's no scientific data on Kushyfoot specifically  a 2013 study found that 80 percent of the women in the study orgasmed when they wore socks, compared with 50 percent of barefoot participants. My battered manual Care and Feeding of Women 101 said nothing about this! Do I stand the risk of being sued for having sex with a partner lacking socks? Sometimes these complexities of the modern woman baffle me.

I'm not going to make any kind of comment on our litigious society. It's just silly to think that $7.95 will buy you satisfaction. Everyone knows that an Orgasm in a Box costs at least $20.00


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Author:
Sangfroid's unabashed use of punctuation and grammar has made him a literary standout on the internet. A rising star in the urban/romance/horror/science fiction/Nancy Drew fiction market, Sangfroid is the talk of the local McDonald's. His dog actually ate the first page of his magnum opus "That Foggy Night" and compared it to other great works like the weekly circular for its absorbent qualities.

3 Comments

  1. hoodchick
    hoodchickReply
    February 19, 2015 at 8:23 am

    I’d be skeptical of this, except that I may have recently started a sexy sock collection of my very own.

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    • Sangfroid
      February 19, 2015 at 11:36 am

      How are those little lacy things supposed to keep your feet warm?

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  2. Acadia Einstein
    February 19, 2015 at 5:00 pm

    I knew using a sock was normal. Now I am retroactively unashamed!

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