Why Don’t I Have Olympic Fever?

Categories:Sports, TV
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Acadia Einstein

So my friend Bangs was yelling at me for not watching Michael Phelps win all the medals last night and it WAS a cool story and yay for him but I am still meh.

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It feels so unAmerican to not go all ape balls about us winning things.  And I am genuinely overwhelmed by how much work these folks put into their sports.  And seeing the stories of people who really did win just by showing up (you know, like the people who like, came from a country made of rocks and tears) is really inspiring.  But I am still meh about the whole thing.  WHY?

United States' gymnast Kerri Strug waves to the spectators during the Gymnastics Gala at the Centennial Summer Olympics Games in Atlanta, Tuesday, July 30, 1996. (AP Photo/Lynne Sladky)

THERE’S MY FAVORITE OLYMPICER. KERRI M’F’IN STRUG!

What snuffed my flame?  Why don’t I care?  Is it political?  Is it because Suicide Squad got such bad reviews?  Is it because I really want to watch Charlotte McKinney play beach volleyball but I also don’t because I have some weird feeling she would suck at it?

Nope.  I think it is because it is too frigging hot and all the summer sports stink.  At least when compared to the winter ones.  Summer is too complicated.  Why should the surface you do something on matter, unless it is a trampoline or lava?  Why beach volleyball AND regular volleyball?  Why do tennis players play on grass and…tar? and clay?  Why can’t they just play on one?  Or if they can’t why not add wood?

Summer should just have water, dirt, wood and grass.  Just like they had in olden times.  You want to have a track meet?  Run on one of those four things.  You want to box?  Just go out in the dirt and have at it.  Fencing?  Go into the woods and hide behind trees and stuff,  Hard to film but awesome to watch.

I can’t think of any sport that would not be covered by those four surfaces.  And you know what?  Even if the grass eventually got worn down to dirt by the end, it is still natural.  Oh…so sorry, track guys.  Did the little gymnasts ruin your track by breaking their legs on it for a week before you got there?  Tough!

In winter you have two choices no matter what sport you do:  snow or ice.  In fact, other than stuff like kayaking and swimming, all the summer sports could be done in the winter.  Sure, the times would be slower, but tell me watching Judo would not be awesome if they were fighting in a snowbank.  And it would not be all hot and sweaty, either.  Hmm.  This has potential to me.  I would even let people keep field hockey in addition to regular hockey.  They would just have to play it on ice.  This is the best idea I ever had.

I dare you to come up with a flaw in anything I just said.  I DARE YOU!

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I have run the site since 2005. And I have to say I am pretty damn proud of it. I wrote the book Whalewolf (sold on Smashwords.com) and am not even close to tired so I am just going to keep going. I was born in Portland, Maine and I currently live in New York and Charlotte, North Carolina. I keep hoping that at some point all these weird rebels are gonna say: "SURPRISE!" and act normal. Eight years and counting....

15 Comments

  1. Roger Sherman
    August 10, 2016 at 2:28 pm

    I actually laughed out loud at the “I worked on the tongues section” comment.

    For me, the Olympics jumped the shark with the dream team. Oh, we’re using pros now? Ok.

    I’ll watch the US Mens Olympic hockey, and I watched the mens and womens road races (wish I didn’t watch the womens -- the crash they caught on camera was truly horrific), but outside of that, DGAF.

  2. nbartolo71
    nbartolo71Reply
    August 10, 2016 at 3:37 pm

    I’m more of a winter games guy myself. Even then, I can take it or leave it.

  3. Sangfroid
    August 10, 2016 at 3:44 pm

    Even the OUTRAGE seemed canned and half-assed.

    • Acadia Einstein
      August 10, 2016 at 4:34 pm

      Whose? Mine?

      • Sangfroid
        August 10, 2016 at 9:59 pm

        No like the woman who didn’t put her hand over her heart or the who the hell is that skeet shooter someone said was married to a football player. It’s like even the scandals are tired retreads.

        • Cider
          CiderReply
          August 11, 2016 at 9:51 am

          The sexist stuff is legit. There have been a ton of super sexist things said. Like this is the one place women seem to give an equal shit about women’s sports, get your act together, commentators/journalists etc., etc., etc.

          • Cider
            Cider
            August 11, 2016 at 9:51 am

            People seem to give a shit, not women. Goddamn it, stupid un-editable comments. Fix it, Arcade.

  4. stacyfrazer
    stacyfrazerReply
    August 10, 2016 at 3:44 pm

    Haven’t watched any of the Olympics this summer. I do love pretty much any kind of racing, track, swimming, etc. As of yet though, the Olympics don’t hold the same draw as my new Xbox.

    • Acadia Einstein
      August 10, 2016 at 4:36 pm

      I thought PS4 was the way to go. Now I am second guessing.

  5. Mark Miller
    Mark MillerReply
    August 10, 2016 at 4:25 pm

    Tennis on ice sounds like fun…

  6. Chris Davison
    August 11, 2016 at 8:53 am

    I like the summer games better, mostly because the women wear much less. Although, ice tennis would be a lot of fun to watch.

  7. Cider
    CiderReply
    August 11, 2016 at 9:53 am

    I am on board with your winter sports are more fun to watch idea, and also your podcast gem of having 1-2 locations that are always the same for the Olympics every year, that everyone helps pay for. There is no reason to destroy places like Rio that are poor AF and have infrastructure problems, just to put on different spectacle every 2 years.

  8. Acadia Einstein
    August 11, 2016 at 9:31 pm

    Also everyone should have to dress up like Medieval knights.

  9. damemeow
    August 17, 2016 at 9:31 pm

    There is absolutely no reason why gymnastics, table tennis, weightlifting, wresting and fencing (really any sport that is done inside) couldn’t be done during the winter Olympics…also there should be gladiators fighting to the death instead of dressage.

Let us know what you think. Being on-topic is NOT required.