Acadia Einstein

jessica-simpson-esquire-05

From my perch high above the earth, I observe the actions of you mere humans. And this week I was lucky enough to see people making fun of fat Jessica Simpson. Then there were a bunch of do-gooders (like her not-fat sister) who jumped to her defense and how DARE we treat her that way?

I will tell you how we dare:   Jessica has made a career on being a piece of meat. And nobody wants to pay for prime rib and get served a fat piece of gristly beef and charged the same amount. Look at that picture up there. Do you think she was thinking about how she was "just a human being with regular problems" when they took that shot?  Oh nooo she wasn't.  What she probably thought was, "I am a blonde with big titties and a nice ass and long legs who can sort of maybe sing and somewhat act (not really) and lots of guys are gonna whack off in their pants when they see me and that will make them buy the various shit I am selling."

Her job is to have big tits, a nice ass and long legs.  Her job was to not be fat.  Her job was to make people want to whack off to her.  How do I know this?  Beause there are plenty of celebs who were fat to begin with and nobody cared.  Dear Jessica does not fit in that category.  She fits in the "cover my lack of talent with porkability" category.  You can find the Pussycat Dolls and umm, I don't know, Pamela Anderson and maybe Rhea Perlman in that category too.

So the next time you hear someone bitching about the treatment poor porky Jessica is getting, remind them that if you were a millionaire whose job consisted of being skinny and singing songs other people wrote, you could probably stay on top of it.

Then find old pics of Jessica and whack off.  We have plenty for you.

Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson Tongue

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Author:
I have run the site since 2005. And I have to say I am pretty damn proud of it. I wrote the book Whalewolf (sold on Smashwords.com) and am not even close to tired so I am just going to keep going. I was born in Portland, Maine and I currently live in Charlotte, North Carolina. I keep hoping that at some point all these weird rebels are gonna say: "SURPRISE!" and act normal. Six years and counting....

5 Comments

  1. Joelle
    January 31, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    :/ She’s not fat though.

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    • Evangeline
      January 31, 2009 at 10:02 pm

      She’s Hollywood fat, though.

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  2. Ken Armstrong
    Ken ArmstrongReply
    February 1, 2009 at 4:38 am

    This quality of prose will be studied avidly in High Schools in 50 years time. “Discuss the use of the term ‘Whack Off’ as a derisory metaphor deriding the media circus of the early 21st century.”

    50 points.

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  3. mrx
    mrxReply
    February 7, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    Sexy Jessica 🙂

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  4. A
    February 23, 2009 at 1:58 am

    Offensive… but accurate.

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