Exposing Food Porn: Why corporations want you to see their food

Sangfroid
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This is actually VEGETARIAN Food Porn. I think you still have to ask the guy at the counter to unlock the cabinet for stuff this kinky


Southern Women do the best food porn. They are followed closely by that cute blonde cheerleader from high school, that gay guy from the Bay Area and anyone Italian. As you can tell my list is purely subjective. You might not even know any Southern Women. That would be a shame. Momma’s Best Biscuits were the most divine things I’ve ever tasted with the possible exception of Momma. It’s an XXX story in the oven and bedroom. Bay Area green ice cream is another story I can’t share although I hear it’s going to be legal in Oregon soon.

The thing that everyone on my list has in common is that it’s all amateur porn: Chicken Saltimbocca (Did you know Saltimbocca is a combination of Italian terms that means: Jumps into your mouth?) cooked for a real family, served on chipped dishes and snapped with a phone camera. Cake to die for. Things from culinary school in France. Gooey things with cheese! I’d almost go gay for Cruffins, Irish Coffee and Pho. None of it has to do with Face Book Alogarithms.

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Nyotaimori— often translated as “female body arrangement”—is the practice of eating sushi off a woman’s naked body

All of that slick Food Porn you’re seeing lately isn’t being generated by Grandma Kate unless she’s related to Betty Crocker, Mrs. Paul, Bartles & Jaymes or any of the other advertising personalities created by corporations over the years. (Pastafarians Rejoice, Chef Boyardee was real) The whole frenzy is being caused by some demented food version of Tom Cruise shouting: “SHOW ME THE MONEY”

“It’s the easy way to be right where Facebook and Snapchat’s algos want you to be,” -Paul Berry, founder and CEO of RebelMouse

Pizza bread boat, mini chicken pot pie, all that comfort food, is appearing because publishers want your MONEY. I’ll admit I’m cynical. My friends list is littered with real people that cook and have no need to cater to the latest whim of the Facebook algorithm.  Business Insider however is one company looking hard at those algorithms.  They launched Insider Food on Facebook and racked up 40,000 likes almost instantly. Insider Food contributes considerably to Insider’s half a billion views. Eyes on Page + Advertising = Real Money.

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She spent all winter getting that thin. She’s going to eat now.

“I think that food is so exciting right now,” Nick Carlson, editor in chief of Insider said. “It’s one of these universal human needs, and it’s one of the few we can talk about publicly.” What? Nick have you ever been on the Internet? Rule 34 (If it exists there is porn of it) is so funny because it’s true. Let’s give Nick a break. I can’t tell you about Momma’s Best Biscuits (Which is more Bridges of Madison County than Debbie Does Dallas) because the Puritans that grade web sites would kill three quarters of the searches people make to find Superficial Gallery. We don’t get half a billion views and the advertising revenue that goes along with it but we do like you to experience our thing.

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I’m going to pass on the last slice tonight

It’s not all Scrooge McDuck swimming in pools of cash. Publishers have yet to figure out how to fully monetize Facebook videos. Snapchat doesn’t even let them drive users to their own sites. (Don’t you love the way they talk about us users) Why do they like the videos so much? Even with built in limitations Facebook provides view counts for video posts which it doesn’t for article posts. This gives advertisers a firm number to justify their budget. “SHOW ME THE MONEY” makes this world turn round and round kids.

Networking, sharing content across pages and platforms is the ultimate wet dream of publishers and advertisers. That gooey chocolate chip cookie, carefully crafted with text overlay because studies show people often browse with the sound off, is the gateway drug meant to lure you into the hard stuff.

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I’m not sure if I need a censor block for this one or not

“We talk about the hook shot — the first shot that really grabs your attention, elicits a reaction, so there are a number where the first thing you’ll see is melted, gooey cheese.” -Nick Carlson

That makes the gooey the Food Porn equivalent of Real Porn’s giant pneumatically enhanced breasts. Neither one is really my thing but if you want to post some pictures of a German Chocolate Cake go ahead. I’m too boring to have a Real Porn fetish but oooooh that coconut-pecan frosting!

Author:
Sangfroid's unabashed use of punctuation and grammar has made him a literary standout on the internet. A rising star in the urban/romance/horror/science fiction/Nancy Drew fiction market, Sangfroid is the talk of the local McDonald's. His dog actually ate the first page of his magnum opus "That Foggy Night" and compared it to other great works like the weekly circular for its absorbent qualities.

4 Comments

  1. Penny
    PennyReply
    May 26, 2016 at 9:31 am

    Gad, I dont dare touch food for a week at least. I just gained all the weight I can stand reading the article.

  2. Cider
    CiderReply
    May 26, 2016 at 1:57 pm

    Sorry, was eating something gooey and cheesey, what was that?

    • Sangfroid
      May 26, 2016 at 6:57 pm

      Now just work the name of our giant megacorp into your post and provide links to our varied clickbait sites and we will cut the check. PS The CEO said you should do the videos in that bikini with the stripes.

      • Cider
        CiderReply
        June 2, 2016 at 4:51 pm

        When the CEO puts me on staff and pays what a bikini model makes, he can see me eat his gross food in a bikini. Otherwise no way, dude.

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