I Think I Hate Anthony Bourdain

Acadia Einstein

I am lazy and watch shows about people making food that I probably wouldn’t eat if they give it to me for free.  I know that “a little truffle oil goes a long way”.  I pretend that listening to people talk about what they are eating is somehow transferring knowledge into my brain.  But someone telling me about “mouth feel” just makes me giggle and since I don’t know what pine nuts taste like the stuff they say really makes no sense to me.

Maybe I would understand it better if they compared it to things I do like, or at least recognize.  “The Pope’s Big Mac” would let me know that it was really good.  Oh, and if you are a judge and you say (which they all do) “I never thought licorice, ham and shaving cream would work but you pulled it off” then WHY ARE YOU A JUDGE?  Diving judges don’t say: “I didn’t think running off the diving board at top speed and doing a pooping cannonball would work but PERFECT TEN!”

Anyway, apparently Anthony Bourdain is the “bad boy” celebrity chef.  He gets publicity by slamming other celebrity chefs.  He made fun of Paula Deen, he really hates Guy Fieri (a real chef feud!) and made fun of his own network on Twitter.  And I guess if the snarky remarks were coming from someone other than a chef who doesn’t cook anything I would like them better.  From what I can tell he just wanders around eating other people’s food.  Why does that need to be a chef’s job?  Isn’t that what everyone at a restaurant is doing?  I don’t get it.

I guess if I boil it down I think he is a pretentious jerk, which is really unheard of for a chef who went to prep school and works in Manhattan and has his own TV show.  Oh, and when I was looking up things about him apparently someone (probably him) described him as a (and I’m not kidding):

raconteur: a person who excels in telling anecdotes

Yeah.  I hate him.  If that is an actual thing and he called himself that then I need to get the job he has.  I really do have interesting stories.  Did I ever tell you about the serial killer from my high school

Oops, wrong Gauntlet.

and the weird connections my family had to him?  No?  Well forget it now because I guess I need to save it so I can have my own TV show.

Anthony Bourdain, I hereby challenge you to some kind of contest.  It can’t be cooking.  Maybe it should be “raconteuring”.  We get anecdotes emailed to us and we tell them and people vote on who did it better.  If I win you get off TV and give me the password to your Twitter account.  If you win I will get off TV and you can have MY Twitter account.  Seems fair.

*throws gauntlet down*

Come at me, bro.  I’m not a fat old lady or a coked-up doofus who realizes how lucky he is or a…television network.  You wanna make fun of someone?  Make fun of me.  *puts cheese on fish*.  Yeah – I know you don’t put cheese on fish.  What are you gonna do about it?

I have run the site since 2005. And I have to say I am pretty damn proud of it. I wrote the book Whalewolf (sold on Smashwords.com) and am not even close to tired so I am just going to keep going. I was born in Portland, Maine and I currently live in New York and Charlotte, North Carolina. I keep hoping that at some point all these weird rebels are gonna say: "SURPRISE!" and act normal. Eight years and counting....


  1. Ami B.
    Ami B.Reply
    November 8, 2012 at 10:46 pm

    So, what I’m taking from this is…I’m not supposed to eat cheese on fish.

  2. akshaybist
    November 8, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    I don’t care how he acts or who he insults or how he insults them. What gets my goat is that the fucker gets paid to eat and travel!
    I’d kill for that job

  3. catwiththumbs
    November 9, 2012 at 9:05 am

    Anthony Bourdain is very busy being Anthony Bourdain -- I doubt he has time for anything else -- I wonder how many mirrors he has?

  4. N Jill Marsh
    N Jill MarshReply
    November 9, 2012 at 9:47 am

    Well, just remember, he is proficient with knives and fire.

  5. catwiththumbs
    November 9, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    I’ve never seen him near a stove -- he just tools around eating other people’s food. Last time he saw a knife was at his night school home economics refresher class.

    • pbm
      November 9, 2012 at 5:12 pm

      2 comments. To Acadia -- you hate Bourdain because he’s a raconteur?! Because he can write well, cook well, loves different cultures and tells great stories about them? Get a skill set that you’re nationally recognized for and then we can talk. And catwiththumbs, Bourdain was a line cook for decades. He started writing in his 40s because he realized he was getting too old to do a job that’s challenging for people in their 20s to do. He had a whole episode of his show about trying to cook on the line for a night at the restaurant in New York that he’s head chef at -- his cooking’s fine, but he’s in his 50’s and he just barely makes it through the shift.

      • Acadia
        November 9, 2012 at 8:37 pm

        Sorry Mrs. Bourdain. Your son is very talented.


      • luckydog
        August 28, 2013 at 1:30 pm

        I think his skill set is arrogance which Americans seem so fascinated by. Simon Cowell and the other Brits who have accents and insult people are so popular. Guess what America, grow some balls and confront what you don’t like, tell the people who do wrong that they are, we did this decades ago and were better for it. Don’t be afraid.

  6. catwiththumbs
    November 9, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    He’s still prissy -- I hate that in a chef/raconteur/game show host.

  7. comradewhoopie
    November 11, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    He’s a drunkard and an asshole.

  8. Jamie
    November 17, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    LMAO! I thought I was the only one who thinks he is a little too rigid! Sometimes I like his shows, but he always comes off as distant and cold -- and snobby!.

  9. snob
    August 15, 2013 at 2:37 pm

    i think he is the same ass hole that he has always been just older more grey and less interesting

  10. Scott
    August 17, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    Ugh, what fragile porcelain mice some of you are! I really enjoy his show most of the time. And, like him I suppose, I cannot stand most celebrity chefs. Especially Mario Batali, I want him and Gwyneth Paltrow to drive off an Italian Cliffside and burst into flames on the rocks below. I’ll give you this though, Bordain is a shameless narcissist and snob, but I will take him over most. Plus, it’s on the travel channel still right? I mean, it’s always seemed more of a hardcore ‘out of the way’ travel food show. Andrew Zimmern’s show is like Bordain’s, but more deliberately gross and a lot nicer and less pretentious.

  11. luckydog
    August 28, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    I think I agree with the article! He is a pretentious asshole. Arrogance exudes from his personality. And, yes, he delights in the alcoholic imbibement a little more than necessary for a TV show. Attacking other chefs is his way of making himself feel better. Hey Tony, make yourself a grilled cheese sammi and STFU about everyone else.

  12. kinaree2525
    August 29, 2013 at 12:30 am

    he uses the F* word so much, it is disgusting! i would much rather watch Andrew Zimmern over Bourdain, anytime.

  13. Coley
    March 24, 2015 at 9:06 am

    No cheese on fish is the dumbest rule ever. Break it. It will be ok.

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