National Bikini Day: Bikini Bodies Ranked by Women

Sangfroid

bacon bikini

The problem with most bacon bikini's is they're under cooked. Here's an example of how to do it right.

It’s National Bikini day! Sure that's just another excuse to post images of half-naked women but something interesting happened on the way to the sex parade: Swimwear 365 polled 2,000 women and discovered that despite Kim Kardashian endlessly flaunting her bionic curves the iconic “natural” bikini bodies are most popular with women. Raquel Welch was chosen as having the best bikini body.

"No matter where you are in the world, whether on the beach abroad or at home in the U.K., it's important to feel confident in yourself and what you're wearing - just like Raquel Welch or Marilyn Monroe.”

Have women decided to embrace their bodies again? The top three spots on the list are all from the days before plastic surgery when women weren’t expected to have the body fat index of a concentration camp survivor. Bond girl Ursula Andress came in second with that white bikini from Dr. No and Marilyn came in third.

Rachel Welch was 26 and the mother of two when she put on that fur bikini for One Million Years BC. She’s 75 and still looks great. I’m tempted to take a time machine and take a peek at what kind of plasticized zombie Kim Kardashian will look like when she’s 75. When you have enough surgery the inevitable result is that you end up looking like Micheal Jackson.

bikini mirrren

Dame Helen Mirren proving that that older ladies can rock the beach too.

The poll cheated a bit. Pamela Anderson, who appears on the list at number six, actually wore a red one-piece on Bay Watch. All that slow motion running sure revived me but remember this is a list chosen exclusively by women not slobbering men.

Brigitte Bardot got in the top ten too but it’s not all nostalgia bodies. Jennifer Lopez came in ninth and Beyoncé was ten. Other big names to appear on the list include Nicole Scherzinger (11th), Sophia Loren (12th), Rihanna (14th) and Oscar-winning actress Helen Mirren (16th).

Models, even the SUPERMODELS, fared poorly. Kate Upton the Sports Illustrated model and actress only made it to number 25 while the first supermodel to appear is the Brazilian beauty Gisele, who barely made it to the top 30 at number 29.

This kind of ranking people is degrading. There’s always some kid who’s chosen last for the phys-ed dodge ball team. That feels awful even when you’re just secretly guilty that you weren’t the last one. There has to be an investment into the idea that there’s a true ranking of who’s best at dodge ball or has the best bikini body for the list to work. It’s all subjective especially the dodge ball game.

bikini big

It works for me. That right there is sexy in sunglasses.

I mean who gets to decide that plus sized models can’t sell bikinis on Facebook or Instagram?  Never seen a big woman in a bikini? They’re just as desirable as anyone else. Ladies if you’ve got it flaunt it and don’t worry about where you rank on the bikini body scale. There’s going to be at least one man standing awkwardly so be body positive if you feel like being the body on the beach.


The Top 10 Bikini Bodies as chosen by women:


  1. Raquel Welch
    bikini welch

    Raquel Welch, the 1960s screen siren, has accused modern culture of being obsessed with sex and declared that she is happy to be an "old fogie".


  1. Ursula Andress
    bikini andress

    Sean Connery agrees that the Swiss make the best Bond Girls.


  1. Marilyn Monroe
    bikini monroe

    Norma Jean was all woman all the time.


  1. Kelly Brook
    bikini brook

    Kelly Brook is an animal lover and posed nude with her body painted in scales for the "Whose Skin Are You In?" campaign


  1. Michelle Keegan
    bikini keegan

    That girl from Coronation Street (A popular British soap) has publicly said she doesn't think she's very attractive.


  1. Pamela Anderson
    bikini Pam

    Another mom with two kids just out for a run on the beach.


  1. Brigitte Bardot
    Jour de repos pour Brigitte BARDOT au MEXIQUE pour le tournage du film "VIVA MARIA" de Louis Malle : attitude souriante de l'actrice en maillot de bain, allongée sur le sol de sa maison au coeur même de CUERNAVACA, à 500 m du Zocalo - la place centrale, un appareil photo posé sur un petit pied devant elle.

    Gomez Addams and I both have a thing for those French accents.


  1. Holly Willoughby
    bikini willowby

    This is pretty much the look I get trying to talk to women.


  1. Jennifer Lopez
    bikini lopez

    Rumor has it that the backside is too spectacular for a family site like Superficial Gallery.


  1. Beyoncé
    bikini beyonce

    Stop bleaching yourself woman you look great already!

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Author:
Sangfroid's unabashed use of punctuation and grammar has made him a literary standout on the internet. A rising star in the urban/romance/horror/science fiction/Nancy Drew fiction market, Sangfroid is the talk of the local McDonald's. His dog actually ate the first page of his magnum opus "That Foggy Night" and compared it to other great works like the weekly circular for its absorbent qualities.

10 Comments

  1. Cider
    CiderReply
    July 7, 2016 at 10:29 am

    I support his post for its combination of body positive message and women being smarter than men. Approved.

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  2. Penny
    PennyReply
    July 7, 2016 at 2:42 pm

    I have always thought it was criminal, what time does to the human body. Thanks Helen for proving its not time just neglect.

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    • Sangfroid
      July 7, 2016 at 11:33 pm

      I’ve loved her ever since Excalibur. She didn’t age so gracefully in that movie!

      0
    • Cider
      CiderReply
      July 8, 2016 at 2:58 pm

      No it’s definitely both. But Helen is amazing and I love her.

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  3. Acadia Einstein
    July 7, 2016 at 4:36 pm

    who the hell is Holly Willoughby and Charlotte McKinney is #.5 mofos!

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    • Sangfroid
      July 7, 2016 at 11:31 pm

      You can’t just arbitrarily assign your favorite Internet sensation to another site’s list! Also why pick 5 if you’re going to do that you weirdo. On a different note do you suppose we can get Charlotte Mckinney to wear the cooked bacon top? Do you suppose the bacon molds itself to the curvature while it’s still warm?

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      • Cider
        CiderReply
        July 8, 2016 at 2:57 pm

        He nominated Charlotte for 0.5, putting her at the top, in his brain. And Archibald, you can’t edit another site’s list. We know yours would just say “Charlotte McKinney” over and over.

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        • Sangfroid
          July 8, 2016 at 5:23 pm

          1. Charlotte Mckinney in the striped bikini 2. Charlotte Mckinney in the blue bikini 3. Charlotte Mckinney in a sundress over a bikini 4. Charlotte Mckinney at Bimini in a bikini 5 Charlotte Mckinney thinking about a bikini in December

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  4. Acadia Einstein
    July 9, 2016 at 10:48 am

    You are both jealous

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  5. Cider
    CiderReply
    July 11, 2016 at 11:08 am

    What am I jealous of, exactly?

    0

Let us know what you think. Being on-topic is NOT required.