Sangfroid

redvelvet

Did you know that 50% of Oreo eaters pull the cookie apart before eating? The majority of those who do choose to dismember their cookie are women.  Ripping apart the Oreo must be a throwback to the Dionysian Mysteries where modern day Maenads practice ecstatic violence  upon cookies not wild animals or spying kings. Harvard University has done a study that food consumed with a ritual do taste better. Either that or Oreos are inedible unless dismantled or soaked in milk.

This article is meant to remind you to get some Red Velvet Oreos for your sweetie this Valentine's day. It's the new limited edition flavor that you will only be able to get during the holiday season. A cookie that looks like it's bleeding to death might be just the thing for your own wild eyed Maenad.

S'mores Oreo will be the next big flavor. It's already in the "sampling phase" which means select stores have them on the shelves testing to see if they're too disgusting for even crazed Oreo lovers to buy. If you're worried you'll never get to try one remember Nabisco brought you the horror of Watermelon Oreos so I'm sure S'mores Oreos will appear sometime this summer.

dill wheat thin

I always envision a guy like Clark Griswold thinking up these Oreo flavors. National Lampoon called him an additive designer but the real position is known as flavor chemist. Companies are crazy to get you to buy the same old thing with a new flavor. Taquitos.net has an ever growing list of the sometimes bizarre offerings. You might want to check them out before buying a box of Dill Pickle Wheat Thins. Then again maybe you're a brave adventurer who deserves to be on Bizzare Foods with Andrew Zimmern. I tried those wheat thins and I'd rather have eaten Durian.

fried chicken Despite Pumpkin spice everything in the fall it's hard to ruin an Oreo. Nabisco has been baking them since 1912 and it's the world's best selling cookie. Purists can't even complain about there being only one true flavor of Oreo since lemon meringue was originally offered with the chocolate biscuit Oreo. They even beat the limited edition flavor craze by offering Oreo Mint Creme way back in 1985. Since then they've come up with other limited edition versions like Caramel Apple, Gingerbread, Creamsicle, and the slightly cannibalistic Cookie Dough Oreo. Despite fervent internet rumors Fried Chicken Oreos are not real. I dread to think what someone like Willy Wonka would do if he replaced Clark Griswold at Nabisco.

Willy Wonka: This little piece of gum is a three course dinner.
Mr. Salt: Bull.
Willy Wonka: No, roast beef. But I haven't got it quite right yet.

Janda Lukin, senior director for Oreo North America told the Washington Post: “Research has shown us that consumers are seeking out variety when it comes to snacking,” she wrote in an e-mail. “Our limited-edition flavors deliver not only variety, but a bit of excitement that we feel only helps to build on the core love of Oreo we see from our fans.” I guess that means we still might hold out hope for the Fried Chicken Oreo or even better a Turkey version for Thanksgiving.

Only there's one problem. That same article reveals that although a package of Red Velvet Oreos costs the same as regular Oreos, it contains only 75% as many cookies.

Cheap BASTARDS!

Check out the slideshow for a few of the many limited edition flavors.

[portfolio_slideshow id=37315]

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Author:
Sangfroid's unabashed use of punctuation and grammar has made him a literary standout on the internet. A rising star in the urban/romance/horror/science fiction/Nancy Drew fiction market, Sangfroid is the talk of the local McDonald's. His dog actually ate the first page of his magnum opus "That Foggy Night" and compared it to other great works like the weekly circular for its absorbent qualities.

One Comment

  1. Acadia Einstein
    February 15, 2015 at 9:44 am

    Also -- Oreos copied Hydrox. No joke. HYDROX!

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