Pharma Bro Arrested. Batman not actually involved

Sangfroid
BatmanRobin

Is Donald Trump secretly Batman?


Cartoon villain Pharma Bro was arrested in Gotham City after an epic battle with Batman. Sidekick Robin was reportedly injured when the large flying pill that Pharma Bro was using caromed off a building striking the Boy Wonder. Donald Trump promptly announced he will ban the use of female sidekicks as they are: “Weaker than boys, not very smart and cry when supervillains are mean.” This has prompted speculations that Donald is the costumed superhero since Batman fired the female version of Robin twice. Batman watchers rate Pharma Bro slightly below the Ventriloquist in the rogues gallery of supervillains.

Ok it should have read that way but when Marin Shkreli was arrested Thursday in New York City by the FBI all he was only wearing a hoodie and his major crime was security fraud charges involving his former hedge fund. Evan Greebel, outside counsel to Pharma Bro for the deals in question was also arrested. Despite the cool super villain name Greebel did not even wear a hoodie.

Don’t run off to Snopes. FBI spokeswoman Kelly Langmesser has confirmed the arrests of Shkreli and Greebel.

Recently stocks in Shkreli’s company KaloBios have been soaring because the Bros at the stock exchange approve of sociopathic greed but like rats deserting a sinking ship shares in KaloBios fell 53 percent before trading in them was halted. Retrophin ratted (cooperated with the government) out Shkreli big time and shares in that company did not plunge.

The arrest is not related to the jacking up of AID’s drugs or the recent jacking up of a drug used almost exclusively by Latin Americans. (Somehow that wasn’t as much of an outrage for America. Shame on you people) Shkreli allegedly made false representations to MSMB investors to draw in $3 million in investments. After MSMB tanked in 2011 Shkreli kept on sending false updates claiming profits of up to 40 percent. He then got the suckers to give him another $5 Mill for MSMB Healthcare Management LP while concealing his prior F*ckups and MSMB and Retrophin.

That’s right folks, Pharma Bro is being arrested for screwing some rich people not grubbing the last pennies from the sick and dying. Yes I do remember Al Capone was finally brought down on charges of Tax Evasion but I’m enough of a cynic to go with nobody official really cared until rich Uncle Marty got stung in the wallet.

gift wrap

I know he didn’t get arrested for the right thing but it’s still one of the best Christmas presents I’ll get this year.

Update: This whole thing is just a present for satirists. Here’s two articles I wish I’d written

Lawyer for Martin Shkreli hikes fees five thousand percent – Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

Can the Feds Free Wu-Tang’s Album from “Pharma Bro”? – David Graham, The Atlantic

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Sangfroid's unabashed use of punctuation and grammar has made him a literary standout on the internet. A rising star in the urban/romance/horror/science fiction/Nancy Drew fiction market, Sangfroid is the talk of the local McDonald's. His dog actually ate the first page of his magnum opus "That Foggy Night" and compared it to other great works like the weekly circular for its absorbent qualities.

2 Comments

  1. Pat
    PatReply
    December 18, 2015 at 8:52 am

    Terrific and funny piece by our guy who apparently dwells in in fair- accurate- funny-ville. (AAFV for all you acronym nuts out there!)

  2. Acadia Einstein
    December 18, 2015 at 9:37 pm

    I hope he gets sent to poor people jail so he can find out what being a criminal really means.

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