Ain’t no way I was gonna lead with anything but Sweet Michelle. She’s 56 years old. See what having a million kids and loving Jesus and missiles does for your skin? She might be crazy but at least she…nah she’s just crazy. And tonight is the big Iowa Caucus. If you have watched cable news you will know that this is the night that the good people of Iowa go to gyms and churches and stores and people’s houses and I guess sit around and decide who they want to be their nominee for president.
And since the old polisicks.com sitr we used to have is gone, we are gonna do all our political commentary here. We guarantee it will be as stupid or stupider than the actual candidates. So I have been watching MSNBC all night (I’m sorry but I understand Fox’s positions on things and they make me throw things at the screen) but Jeez Louise they need to get rid of Chris Matthews. The dude can’t even pretend to be a newsman. Here are my thoughts from the big Caucus (and from MSNBC). This is gonna happen a lot now, so get ready!
- Mitt Romney looks like Guy Smiley and has reversed everything he ever thought in order to appeal to the Republicans. They all hate him. If I were Romney I would tell them all to shove it and flip BACK on all his positions and run against Obama as a Democrat. HIS health care thing works!
- Rick Santorum came on strong and is prolly gonna win in Iowa. He can’t win the general election, though as one would think that people outside Iowa might Google the word “Santorum”. Go ahead, do it.
- Ron Paul is the darling of idiots who keep saying he isn’t a racist. I will laugh if he wins or runs as a third party candidate. All people would have to ask him is: Do you think it is OK of someone doesn’t hire someone just because they are a woman? He will have to say yes and then he can climb back into his coffin and stay there.
- Rick Perry – WTF is with that dude? Seriously. It’s like he just didn’t feel like being Governor all summer so he farted around trying to be president. He’s the worst.
- Newt Gingrich is pretty awesome because he wants to take stupid kids and make them slaves or something. I don’t care about kids. They can all be janitors or…pickpockets or whatever his dumb idea was.
- Michelle Bachman is like I said up there. She’s Crazy Hot and Hot Crazy.
After the jump – the MSNBC depth chart!
- Joe Scarborough. I don’t always agree with him but he makes the most sense and he doesn’t just recite talking points.
BrzeinsihkBrzenski? she is on with Joe Scarborough and has exceptional brains stuffed into her sweaters.
- Al Shaprton. He has NO idea what he is doing. Ever. It’s awesome. He once called Newt Gingrich Ging Flitch. Two words.
- Rachel Maddow. She’s cute, except when she’s trying to be cute. And hey, what happened to Ana Marie Cox? Love that ginger!
I don’t remember the rest of them. I will pay more attention and watch some other channels, too. Anyway, as of right now, Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney are tied in Iowa. I wonder what the winner will do with it. Sell it to Nebraska? Make it the new Israel and make peace in the Middle East? Just collect tolls from people on their way to South Dakota? The possibilities are endless! Oh I hope this goes all the way to the convention. If it doesn’t this whole series of posts is going to die out quick!