Reusable What? Getting Rid of the Toilet Paper!

Sangfroid
empty-toilet-paper

Now you’re in trouble

We all know someone that is more environmentally responsible than all the rest of us. Usually they’re the organic vegan that’s just waiting to explain why their lifestyle is better than yours in every way possible. Even those people have toilet paper although it’s probably the recycled kind. (Good for the environment bad for your butt)

toilet paper history

There are some concerned environmentalists that have  given up the toilet paper. It’s called Alternative Bathroom Practices. My first thought is are these barbarians going to force me to use a rag too? My second thought was I remember the diaper pail. That was some powerful odor in August with just one little baby. I can’t imagine what it must be like with the whole family contributing.

Flannel-Wipes

At least the flannel wipes aren’t as much of as a mystery as the third seashell in Demolition Man

There are two choices of orientation when using a holder with a horizontal axle parallel to the wall: the toilet paper may hang over or under the roll. The choice is largely a matter of personal preference, dictated by habit. In surveys of Americanconsumers and of bath and kitchen specialists, 60-70% of respondents prefer over.

The scary part is that it’s pretty reasonable. Royals used to use swatches of silk to cleanse the derriere. A soft square of flannel sounds almost as nice. The problem is those royal types had a Groom of the Stool to take care of the chamber pot after lovingly wiping the royal arse. Supermom who’s spent twelve hours sewing flannel toilet paper for the environment will expect you to at least clean yourself and get the cloth in the diaper pail. (Flushing reusable toilet paper usually results in clogged plumbing)

Advantages of being a Groom of the Stool (According to Cracked.com)

  • You want a title, and you genuinely dont care what it is.
  • Your hands are smooth, disease-free, and well-suited to scraping.
  • Youre able to master the delicate art of conversing normally while wiping a mans ass with your hands.
  • Unless the Kings got dysentery, youre only called for work once or twice a day.

RESPECT THE TOILET PAPER

Toilet paper was invented by the Chinese in medieval China around 589. Arabs in particular thought that it was a particularly unsanitary practice. You had a lot of choices back then. Romans used a sponge on a stick that had been soaked in vinegar. Ancient Jews carried small pebbles in a special bag. There was always the camping stand-bys: leaves, wood shavings, grass stone, sand, moss, seashells and corncobs. Anything to keep the hands clean

“…they [the Chinese] do not wash themselves with water when they have done their necessities; but they only wipe themselves with paper.”[1]

Most of the world still thinks toilet paper is unsanitary. Islamic toilet etiquette encourages washing after defecation. Always curious I asked one housewife about the “Muslim Shower” thinking it was an actual shower. For the curious that want to take a peek one of the most popular brands is called the Bum Gun. For a small bathroom without the room for a separate bidet it makes a lot of sense. (I hesitate to knock the supermom sewing flannel but I think I’d get one of these first.

In case you’re one of the Islamophobia types the entire Indian subcontinent and most of Southeast Asia have similar practices. A big hint is DON’TDRINK FROM THE GAYUNG when visiting Indonesia. The Japanese are famous for the high tech toilet that has a seat warmer, bidet and drier among other features. This may be because wood skewers were once used for cleaning after defecation. Not even the environmentally concerned supermom is going to ask you to use chūgi. We’re all thankful for that.

Japanese toilet paper

The amazing thing is someone has a collection of what are quite literally Sh*t Sticks



Author:
Sangfroid's unabashed use of punctuation and grammar has made him a literary standout on the internet. A rising star in the urban/romance/horror/science fiction/Nancy Drew fiction market, Sangfroid is the talk of the local McDonald's. His dog actually ate the first page of his magnum opus "That Foggy Night" and compared it to other great works like the weekly circular for its absorbent qualities.

6 Comments

  1. Acadia Einstein
    June 20, 2016 at 6:51 pm

    I don’t see the vegans wanting to go back to corn cobs. I do, but they don’t. Nobody listens to me.

  2. Bigscrod wants cake
    June 20, 2016 at 10:16 pm

    I totally am going to the dollar store tomorrow and getting a sponge stick and some vinegar.

    • Sangfroid
      June 21, 2016 at 8:38 am

      I was hoping someone would explain how to use the bag of pebbles.

  3. Cider
    CiderReply
    June 21, 2016 at 2:16 pm

    All of this is gross and I hate all commercials related to ass-wiping but why can’t people use those adult baby wipe things and flush them? Can’t they be made biodegradable? Isn’t this the easiest and least gross????? GOML, people.

    • BNev
      BNevReply
      June 21, 2016 at 3:22 pm

      Everybody poops

  4. Penny
    PennyReply
    June 21, 2016 at 2:39 pm

    I agree with Cider, and they would be so kind on a sore bum.

Let us know what you think. Being on-topic is NOT required.