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Summer vacation. For once, Acadia was taking it easy and there didn’t seem to be an assassin lurking in the bushes or hanging from the roof or hiding in his shoe. Peace and quiet. That’s why he came to Hawaii every year and that’s what he’s getting.
Acadia always spent his time on Kauai, specifically at a condo at Summit Pacific that he “owned” courtesy of a Serbian horse thief he had put away in 2007. The temperature was perfect, the ocean looked amazing and he had plenty of drinks. He got up from the deck and walked into the kitchen to refill his coconut cup with booze. Instinctually, he checked the microwave for a bomb. There wasn’t one. He vaguely wondered what would happen if you put a coconut in a microwave. And even though the way his life typically went this would be foreshadowing of someone getting killed by an exploding coconut in this instance it was just a random observation.
After refilling his drink he flipped on the TV (he had checked when he came in that it wasn’t a bomb). He assumed, since it was Hawaii, that every channel would have a Magnum P.I. marathon on. Strangely, this was not the case. But he was going to relax no matter what so he flipped on “Hotel Impossible” and watched the little bald dude try to rescue a failing resort from bankruptcy. Exciting? No. Relaxing? Oh yeah.
As he drifted off to sleep in front of the TV he made a mental note to get a coconut at the store tomorrow and microwave it. And nothing bad happened to him and he didn’t kill anyone. Acadia was on vacation and Kauai was the one place where he wasn’t a secret agent. He was just relaxed.
Acadia wished he had some cologne. Or some gum. Or anything. The place stank. Super-secret agent and world-class assassin Acadia Einstein was crouched in the corner of a stable in Dubai waiting for a woman to get off her cell phone and leave. His life was complicated.
The woman on the phone’s name was Signy Eriksdottir. She was Icelandic. Pale, blonde and impossibly tall, she was arguing with the owner of the stable Acadia was currently crouched in. Her prize race horse, The Pride of Fezzle Corners, had been quartered there for two weeks and the conditions in his stall were nothing short of 
horrific. Acadia didn’t even know they sold Pringles in Dubai but it seems like that is all they fed the poor horse.
After a while the woman hung up (or hit a button on her phone anyway, cell phones make it hard to be dramatic on the phone) and Acadia crouched down a little lower. He was in a real jam. If Signy decided to come back into the stable and check some other stalls, then he might be discovered. He needed her to get gone.
Just his luck, she started back his way. He was armed to the teeth and knew a hundred ways to incapacitate a person (or outright kill them) with his bare hands so it wasn’t that he was worried. It was just that SHE was just as good as he was, and he had a price on his head. So what did he do? Sit in this smelly stall wishing for aromatherapy massage oil and a shower or get out in the open and throw down? As he stood up ready for the fight of his life Signy’s phone rang again. She angrily barked into the phone in Icelandic and whirled around, her long legs striding back to her car.
He could take her out now. He had the shot. But he would never do anybody like that. Every agent he had ever killed was looking straight in his eyes when they died. Except the big fat dude he pushed into the volcano. Screw that guy.
Acadia dusted himself off, looked at the sad horse eating Pringles and walked back to his car which was parked on the other side of the compound. Soon, Signy. Maybe not here in Dubai. But soon.
This is a commercial – the Nature’s Sleep company gave me one of these things to review and it really is cool. But I will only do commercials if they are written like I am a spy, so here goes. I’m no sell out! Kind of! — Acadia
The Nature’s Sleep Mattress Topper was delivered to Acadia’s penthouse when he wasn’t home. Being a secret agent, he was often greeted with new items when he came home from a mission and today was no different.
He had just been in San Diego (mission accomplished!) and was now home and needed to get this thing on his bed. It is impossible to exaggerate how sore one can get from secret agenting, and the west coast assignment was tough. He had bruises all over and needed sleep. But between him and the rest he so desperately needed was a box.
Inside the box was a very tightly packed…chunk of foam. Could there be a Mexican dwarf hiding in there with a knife? One time on a mission in London a Mexican dwarf was hidden in a laundry bag for three days before springing out with a knife in his teeth. That bag was about the same size as the box. And the item did ship within 2 business days of his order. So maybe there could be a dwarf in there…
The following is a sponsored post. I’m getting paid for it. If you all just sent me money I wouldn’t have to do this but you don’t so here we are. At least I find cool places to advertise and make the commercials fun.
Comcast Specials! That as the only thing Acadia could see on the bright yellow flyer jammed into his door. He plucked it out and slipped it into his pocket. He thought the building didn’t allow solicitors. He’d have to talk to Lenny down in the lobby at some point.
That could wait, though. He was beat. The flight from Pakistan to New York was long and brutal but somehow the commercial flight on the little puddle jumper from NYC back to Portland, Maine was worse. Acadia “Treacherous” Einstein was glad to be home, yellow Comcast flyers notwithstanding.
Remember the OLD band for the Free Credit Report commercials? They had better songs than the band now. And I seem to remember that there was some sort of contest to pick the new band.
Why?
If you had a job shooting commercials that doofuses like me will memorize and wander around singing forever would you quit? I mean, assuming that it paid reasonably well, it seems like the perfect job. I put all the old videos after the jump, but nothing will top the “Dream Girl” one for me. Is it the resigned sadness? The fact that they pretend that “com” rhymes with “yard”? Nah. It’s the fact that the dude says that if he had known his girl had bad credit he would have left her.
Decent Equifax: the virginity of the 21st century!
Oh, and if anyone really knows why they left, tell me. I assume they were fired. If they weren’t then I want to hire them to play at my house. I bet I could afford them, too. What else could they possibly be doing? What’s your favorite video? Do you think that girl was in any more commercials? I’m so full of questions!