Email Forwards
The average driver’s reaction time is: .75 seconds. That’s 1 car length for every 10 mph.
Click the link below and test your average reaction time.
I scored “Ambling Armadillo” which I’m going to say is not good. Post your score below. And stay away from me if you’re driving. I’m apparently dangerous.
Reaction Test
My neighbor. She wants me.
I decided it was time to share my infinite man wisdom. Women just don’t get it and I’m going to clue them in. Also, boobs.
- Men are NOT mind readers.
- Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. I’m going to start complaining now, though.
- Sunday sports: it’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
- Crying is blackmail.
- Ask for what you want. Let me be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just fucking say it!
- “Yes” and “No” are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."
Isn't the human body amazing?
Wine is an essential component of a happy, healthy life. As Martin Luther noted a looong time ago, “Who loves not wine, woman and song, remains a fool his whole life long.” I think he was on to something. A glass of wine often improves your circumstances, be they happy or sad. Don’t be a fool!
The following series of pictures illustrate for you the task facing the contractor I hire for my next house. And this isn’t even the most complicated or weird thing I’m gonna request! Don’t ask or judge, please. I’ve also included a handy reference to make choosing your wine an easier chore.
Is he your mother's brother named Jack? Or a giant perv?
This sounds like a very dry, boring topic. Who loved grammar lessons back in school? But, the following example illustrates how essential this skill is:
“I helped my Uncle Jack off a horse.”
versus
“I helped my uncle jack off a horse.”
Make sure you mean to please a horse. You are very welcome.
Many common phrases said at Thanksgiving sound wonderfully dirty and I wanted to amuse all the inner 12 year old boys lurking inside you.
“Whew, that’s one terrific spread!”
“I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.”
“Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.”
“Talk about a huge breast!”
“It’s Cool Whip time!”
“If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!”
“Are you ready for seconds yet?”
“Are you going to come again next time?”
“It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?”
“Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!”
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