Making Scarlett Johansson our latest “Every Single Picture” means that we will have to keep revisiting her since she isn’t dead and will presumably make more movies. And as she started so young, the transformation should be pretty cool over time. Looking are her right now, it’s tough to imagine that she’s been acting for 16 years. If she doesn’t retire she’ll have a page that’s like a mile long. And even when she’s old she’ll still look good because, as she once said:
I definitely believe in plastic surgery. I don’t want to be an old hag. There’s no fun in that.
Good for you Scarlett. And also, seems like there must not be all that many really good child actors at any given time cause look – she was in like, every movie in the 90′s.
Updated 4/13/13 – I forgot we did this so I had some catching up to do.
Well, it’s the end of a year and the beginning of another. Time for me to take stock of the year that was here at the Gallery and then ridicule it mercilessly. If you’d like to see how things shook out in 2010 or 2011, just click those links. Holy crap, I’ve been here for 3 years?! Most people come here, write a post or two, then disappear into the abyss never to be seen again. Speaking of which, those new writers I mentioned in last year’s post? Yeah, didn’t last. Shocker, I know. On the flipside, we did gain two new writers this year, Eva Halloween and Princess Peach. They’ve been around for most of the year so I’d wager all the money that Acadia doesn’t pay me that they stick around.
The site layout is new. Acadia decided to mix it up a little and also changed the header pic. Then he stripped the mine down to the bare essentials, which in this case means he took out the pictures that no one ever looked at and were just taking up bandwith. When all was said and done, he ended up getting rid of more pictures than he kept.
Overall, the Gallery built on the success of last year and managed even more hits this year than 2011. The contests we ran this year (Halloween Costume Contest & Picture Perfect and the February Picture Perfect) were also very successful. I think the best thing to come out of either of those contests was this picture:
Looks like that’s all the yearly news. Guess it’s time to get down to business then. As usual I’ve got two top 10 lists here, one for multiple picture posts and one for single posts. The reason for doing it like this is that on multiple picture posts, it counts each picture view as a hit. That makes it a little hard to compare it to stuff with all it’s content on one page. I should also mention that these are all posts made in the year of 2012. There were some posts made in previous years that managed to still get tons of hits this year, such as this Kate Beckinsale Bikini Sunday post from 2011 that managed way more hits than anything else this year. Of course, the all time heavyweight champion of Superficial Gallery is still Ice Road Trucker Girl Lisa Kelly. But I digress. Hit the jump for lists.
You know what stinks? We don’t get to do enough interviews. I mean, I yell questions at people all the time and pretend I don’t know how to get to Golden Corral and ask people and record their answers but it isn’t the same. Apparently places like “Us Magazine” get to do interviews. They did one with Jessica Biel. Of course they just asked her stupid questions about her stupid husband Justin Stupidlake, particularly about her possibly acting with him.
“I would [act with him] if it was the right thing,” the New Year’s Eve star explained. “I’m not sure what the right thing is. I think you have to be very careful about working with your partner. But that would be so much fun; I absolutely adore him. I actually would prefer him to direct me in something. I think that would be the way to go.”
Suuuure. Get your MySpace-owning, singing, dancing smilin’ laughin’ jokin’ around TV and movie star husband to get you a job. That will make you so much more relatable. Look how great it was for Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds. See, the regular schleps (not me, I’m a fancy magnate) don’t really want to see these fairy-tale match ups. Unless you get drunk and fight all the time like Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton or look like cute ugly midgets like Rhea Perlman and Danny DeVito we pretty much think you can take your fancy lives and shove it.
Now if you marry some nobody doctor or real estate jerk then we can sort of deal with it. But anything higher than that and we get bothered. You are currently in a movie with Anthony Hopkins, Scarlett Johansson, Helen Mirren and Anthony Hopkins. So I guess doing that isn’t fun enough for you. You want fun? Marry someone who works for the Gallery. You could have fun wondering if anyone was going to comment on your post. Or if anyone even read it…
You might have seen this pic already (some of us have jobs, you know) but here is Scarlett Johansson showing off the tattoo she got from some fancy artist Fuzi Uvtpk in France. I didn’t know Fuzi Uvtpk was a French name but we all know I’m an uncultured doof so I’m sure it is. There is a way bigger picture of it after the jump but it isn’t going to make you feel any better. The whole thing still looks like something a kid drew at camp.
Actually, if you look closely, I think it started out as an upside-down cowboy (see how bow-legged he is) and in the middle the dude (excuse me, Mister Uvtpk) realized it was never going to work so he said “horseshoe” in French and ScarJo went right along with it. Then all he had to do was make a few painful looking dots and then write “LUCKY YOU” in a way that isn’t even lined up with the cowboy legs.
Now, you are Scarlett Johansson and people know you went to get a tattoo. It came out looking like something you would return if you bought it as a sticker at the drug store. Are you going to hit the dude with a bottle and demand a refund and let the world know that you are mad and even though you are rich and famous you got screwed by a French dude whose name probably spells some French swear if you unscramble the letters? No, you are going to pretend it came out just like you wanted and show people.
Don’t get tattoos unless it is an unintelligible squiqqle. Then nobody can give you any guff!
I really don’t want to spoil this movie for anyone. Well, at least not the very end part (stay until after the credits). The rest of it is sort of, eh? What would I really be spoiling? It isn’t like Iron Man is going to die. These are franchises they are working from here. These characters are going to be starring in their own tent pole movies for years to come. Except probably Hulk and Thor and the lame arrow guy and Scarlett Johansson. They won’t be getting any more movies of their own. So maybe they die? DO THEY? Oh come on of course they don’t. And I don’t need to tell you what it’s about, either. Who cares? I’m just going to go through the characters and major (non plot) elements one by one and why I give the movie 3.5 out of 5 Captain America shields!
The following pics contain the pics I made to go with the first round of my “who has the best chest” tournament I am running over on Google Plus. Here are the brackets and the seeds. Go vote in the comments if you want.
|Class A||Class C|
|Class B||Class D|
Bikini Sunday is an institution now, like “Meet the Press” and church. People get all excited to see who it’s going to be, then gaze appreciatively and the beauty we offer. So why I am using a pic of Scarlett Johansson in her full Avengers outfit? I mean, she is one of the hottest young starlets out there, right?
Makes no sense that I am focusing on how pretty her face is and how she can not only pull off, but look great in an outfit that covers up so much of her famous body. No sense at all.
Well it is not easy to get bikini pictures of someone who apparently never goes swimming. Seriously. There are a million photos of her on the red carpet for this or that but pics of her hangin’ by the pool or romping on a yacht are more rare than animated gifs of Bigfoot. Why? She’s a movie star. I am sure she can take a million vacations. Does she just go skiing? Why doesn’t she show off in skimpy bikinis?
*looks at pics*
Oh. Got it. She doesn’t look like someone whose job is to look perfect. Well lah dee dah Miss Fancy Actress! Acting like the rest of us. How dare you. How dare you?
Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds have separated.
I thought about this and tried to figure out how to deal with the tragedy and I finally came to the conclusion that fuck them. I can’t feel sorry for them. I really can’t. I know that heartbreak is heartbreak but seriously fuck them. What are they stuck with now? They need to find the SECOND hottest people on the planet to be married to? They need to sneer at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie (click here for her NSFW Butt)? They need to keep making super hero movies even though THEY ALREADY LOOK LIKE FUCKING SUPER HEROES?
I had a bunch of other really funny shit to say about this but then I got a shitty phone call and am in a bad mood now so make up your own jokes. Damn those people are hot.
I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with this post but that Free for Chubbies ad has been sitting on my desktop for a while (don’t judge me) so I decided to put together some terribly inappropriate but still funny ads from the olden times. I guess people long for the good old days when men wore hats and women apparently wore whatever the men told them to wear. My favorites are the smoking ones. I’ll never forgive you sissies for making me quit. So much hate.
So the ads got me thinking about the 50′s and 60′s and trying to figure out if they were as cool as old people say they were but then I got distracted and found this old school website and now I am all messed up.
First of all, it says it was updated last year, but it has that primary color left justified awesomeness that just screams 90′s. And it is someone using Billy Joel’s We Didn’t Start the Fire as a teaching tool.
Heh – tool.
Anyway, Someone named Mr. Allsop made a video for the song. And fuck me if each verse isn’t about a specific year. IN ORDER! I always thought it was a bunch of random crap shoved altogether. Well, I guess it is but it is BY YEAR! Also, Marilyn Monroe and Grace Kelly were frigging hot and I refuse to learn why there were Belgians in the Congo. But go watch Mr. Allsop’s video and learn something.
Now, why do I have Charlize Theron up there? Well, because I watched a video for a song that is actually from now. Brandon Flowers has this song Crossfire and in the video he has Charlize Theron fighting ninjas. This guy is a goddamn genius. Who doesn’t want to play this scenario out? Like, the guy is all beaten up (probably cause the ninja’s got the drop on him while he was sleeping) and then Charlize Theron comes in and kicks their asses.
Why Charlize Theron? Well, I suppose you could ask why not Scarlett Johansson or Natalie Portman or someone “younger”. Or you could remember that one time Charlize Theron did this which makes her cooler than any other chick in the universe. So the dude keeps getting captured and she keeps saving him. It’s pretty much perfect. Well, I have two minor quibbles. First, in the second scene, the ninjas would not be fiddling with dials and shit. That’s not what ninjas do. They lurk. They don’t make toast. And second, I don’t care how beaten up I am or how brave and tough Charlize Theron was when she saved me. No fuckin’ way am I letting her drive home. Shit’ll make me nervous.
I grabbed a handful of pix from the French Elle photo shoot featuring Scar Jo. I don’t know who she pissed off that her eye-make is practically non existent, but she must have been a huge bitch to the make-up artist. I expect to see this on Fug the Cover soon. And while I don’t, as a rule, find blondes attractive, she is one of the women I believe should be blonde. She just looks weird and washed out as a brunette. And forget her as a redhead, omg. Sarah Jessica Parker is another one who should stick to blonde. I actually hate the Garnier commercials where she is some weird strawberry blonde or, even worse, a brunette. Just stoppit, SJP! You’re not convincing anyone to buy shit when you look anemic and nauseated.
Anyway, I guess Woody Allen isn’t making a movie at the moment, hence she has time to pose for unflattering pictures. Hell, she didn’t need to go to France for that. I take plenty of unflattering pix right in my own kitchen. So I am hoping she gets another arty movie lined up so she can go back to being blonde and shoving her tits into uncomfortable-looking evening gowns. It is what she does best, really.
This is sounding like I am down on ScarJo when I truly liked Match Point, Lost in Translation and Scoop. Scoop was actually very awesome in that slow Woody Allen dragging way. I have always liked it when Woody Allen is in front of the camera, so that is at least part of it. If you haven’t seen Scoop, put it on your Netflix queue. It’s worth it, especially if you have two hours to kill and want it to feel like four. Okay, it’s poll time.
I never made a YTMND before. I had one made about me before but I don’t think it really caught on… But I am hoping the one I just made will be a huge success that someone will click, watch for a couple seconds, ask: “Is this all this does?” and then close it. Which does not sound like much, but if a million people do it then…the guy who owns that site (his name is Max) will get money or something.
Whatever – I did arts and crafts. I had to edit video and then separate video from audio and all sorts of shit. So go Click It!
Also – Someone named jl45 on the forum at YTMND said that this video should be made into a site. I am too new and scared over there to say anything, but I agree with him.
I was gonna wait until I finished watching the movie to write the review, but then I realized that however the story comes out, my opinion is not going to change. And since I do my reviews in bullet list format, all I have to do is leave this open and keep making bullet points!
By the way – I rented this from the Big Red Box at *Harris Teeter. If you have one of those Big Red Boxes in your supermarket – get your DVD’s from there. It rules. Anyway – on to the show!
- It looks neat. Like how some of it is black and white and some of it is color. Like Sin City but not as much.
- They introduce all the main characters in like, the first 5 minutes, which I liked. I hate waiting for the villain to show up.
- The villain is Samuel L. Jackson who is filming movies more days a year than he isn’t.
- His name is the Octopus, which is stupid.
- I don’t know who plays The Spirit, but I doubt he will be very famous for very long.
- Eva Mendes is in it and I haven’t been paying attention so I don’t know if she is bad or good or in between but she does show her ass so bonus!
- Scarlett Johansson lets her tits do the talking for most of the movie. And that’s actually good, because the things they give her to say are pretty stupid.
- At least two main characters dress up like Nazi’s.
- The fat guys are funny.
- There is a cat in the movie.
- The Nazi’s sure were good at stagecraft. <–this is not out of context.
- Belly Dancers don’t make scary killers.
- The movie definitely does not take itself very seriously.
- HA! The Belly Dancer’s name is Plaster of Paris.
OK – now I am getting bored. I am not invested in anything except Scarjo’s villain boobs. They need to do something fast!
- The Spirit is a horndog?
- There is an annoying lady cop.
- It has an old timey plane in it. Like, not just a prop plane, but an old timey kind.
- I assume they are looking to have it open for a sequel, but I don’t see that happening. I heard it did shitty. Then again, they make sequels of shitty movies all the time. Like, the next DVD I have to watch is Underworld 3 and it doesn’t even have Kate Beckinsale in it. For fuck’s sake – why else would you watch an Underworld movie? Well, I guess technically I am going to find out.
*Harris Teeter is my local grocery store. You know how there are always a few in your town. The really good one, the ok one and the one that you would only go to if they had a wicked sale on something that came in a can? Well, Harris Teeter is my OK one, I think. The really good one is not near enough to me to have me drive there just to get a red frigging box. What am I, Mister Drive Around?
And that’s my review of The Spirit!
According to Jessica Biel, her hotness is hurting her movie career. She told Us Magazine:
The actress — whose latest film, Powder Blue, (in which she plays a stripper) is going to straight to DVD — isn’t handed plum roles.
“I’m in there with everybody else, fighting for the good parts. Yes, The Illusionist has made a difference — but a huge, massive difference, so I can pick and choose what I want? No.”
Biel, 27, covets the careers of Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman.
Jessica Jessica Jessica. It has NOTHING to do with your face. It is your body. You look like what the guys who write comic books draw as women. Your ass has more muscles than Scarlett Johansson’s whole body. You could use it to break Natalie Portman in half like those Japanese chicks break chopsticks and forks. Face to face, Scarjo and… Natpo are hotter than you. But body wise, they would not come close to you unless they somehow got caught in the same teleporter like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.
Nobody is going to give you some serious acting role for the same reason nobody gives them to Wesley Snipes or The Rock or Chyna. Nobody would believe it. EVen that Illusionist movie was a stretch. I saw it and even though you were made up in those old timey gowns you could still see how ripped you were. People in olden times didn’t look like that unless they were a blacksmith or rowed a ship.
To recap – you are not prettier than those other women. You ARE pretty – but not prettier than them. The reason you don’t get serious acting roles is because every move you make accentuates the fact that you are a built like an Olympian. Chicks can see Scarlett and say: she’s a little flabby. Then see Natalie and say: she’s too skinny. But when they look at you, all they can do is look at their man and seethe. So your only chance is to be in movies that chicks don’t want to see. The only other thing I can think of is for you stick your tongue out at every audition. Holy shit, I don’t even think you are real.
After the Jump! Think I was lying about the chicks breaking things with their asses? Well I wasn’t and I have the video to prove it!