Another year has come and gone and I would like to take the time now to look at the year here at the Gallery. I went through our site’s stats and picked out the top hit-getting posts published this year. It wasn’t quite as simple as I thought it would be. You see, when we make posts with multiple pictures in it, the site counts each picture view as a hit. So, it’d be kind of hard to compare a post like that to a post with all its content on a single page. I solved this problem by making two separate top 15 lists. I made one for the multiple picture posts and one for the single posts. Just hop the jump and we’ll get started!
Taking a cue from Susan Boyle (did I ever use the ‘I bet her sister’s name is Lance, joke?) this chubby kid sings the shit out of The Dolly Parton song made famous by a pre-crack Whitney Houston. It’s for some contest show and it truly is remarkable. This kid is going to be set until his nuts drop.
Now, I was going to try to get all fancy and make some cool picture mixing all of them up and throwing in Raiden from Mortal Kombat cause I thought that would be cool. But I bore easily. I actually watched most of an episode of Arrested Development Season Two between those two sentences. Fuck that show is funny.
What was I talking about? Oh, fat people singing. See, the most famous fat singers are amateurs who get famous after they get to sing in front of a bunch of people. Unless you are Mama Cass or the dude from Blues Traveler, nobody wants to find out if you can sing unless you’re skinny.
Think about it. You just opened a bar or nightclub. One that you want people who can stay up past 10PM to go to. Do you give Fatty McButterlips who can sing really well a chance or hire some hot looking people who can sort of sing but customers will think they can nail as the singers get sweatier and the customers get drunker?
And by sweaty I mean the hot kind of sweaty. Not the fat singer getting sweaty carrying in his banjo kind of sweaty. I’m getting all the fat singers to song on my studio albums. Then we’ll see what happens. Video next.
I don’t want anyone to get too taxed today, so I am just gonna lay some August 9th facts on you. They may come in handy if you have to go to brunch later and need something to talk about. I live to serve.
- Sam Elliott, Gillian Anderson and Whitney Houston were all born on this day in various years. I realize that fame is fleeing – but out of these three people, which one do you think would generate the largest crowd if they showed up alone at some mall? Put your answer in the comments. I legitimately have no idea. If I had to guess, I would say Whitney Houston, but I am really not sure.
- In 1974, Richard Milhouse (lol) Nixon resigned as President of the USA. For those of you not familiar with your history, Nixon had been accused of stealing gold from Canada and forced out of office. It’s too bad, too. Cause after he left, they found out that he had figured out how to eliminate our dependence on foreign oil. On his desk, there was an official report titled: How to eliminate our dependence on foreign oil immediately”. But when they opened it, all the pages had been ripped out and all that was left was a piece of paper that said: “Fuck you guys. Now you know why I needed the Canadian gold. It was supposed to be a surprise but forget it now.” Nixon never explained his plan, and it is NO coincidence that when you search for information on the subject, you find nothing.
- In 1945, the US dropped an atomic bomb on Nagasaki, Japan which killed more than 70, 000 people. Three days earlier, we dropped one on Hiroshima. Japan then surrendered on August 14th, five days later. If we were dropping bombs 3 days apart, then why didn’t the surrender on the 11th? And, since we didn’t drop another bomb on the 12th (three days later) why didn’t they figure we were out of bombs and say fuck it? Seems fishy to me.
- In 1944 – Smokey Bear was officially launched as the spokes…bear for forest fire prevention. Seems like whoever was working on that should have postponed it until after we won the goddamn war we were in.
- In 1969, the bodies of Sharon Tate and four other people were found murdered in L.A. Charles Manson and his ‘family’ were later convicted of the crime. Manson is still alive today in jail. I don’t know what happened to the other ‘family’ members but I hope it was something bad.
- And to end this on a happy note – on this day in 1936, Jesse Owens won his 4th gold medal at the Berlin Olympics. As you know – those were Hitler’s Olympics, and the fact that our best guy was, I guess, the exact opposite of “Aryan” was really stickin’ it to Hitler. The fact that the whole ‘rights’ thing wasn’t really worked out on our side for a couple more decades really doesn’t factor into it. We were not hypocrites. We were like any family. We can be all fucked up and dysfunctional internally, but if there is some outside force against us, then we will stick together. That’s how it works. So be proud of America if anyone asks you. Then bitch like a motherfucker as soon as the company is gone.
- Vanilla Seven let me know in the comments that it is also Singapore’s Independence day. I sort of feel bad not knowing that, cause I have actually been to Singapore. The biggest impression that the country made on me was that their McDonald’s used the old Styrofoam containers for their Big Macs. Anyway – thanks, Vanilla.
Happy August 9th. If anything good happened to you on this day, let me know. Unless it’s you, Charles Manson. I don’t know if they let prisoners have the Internet, but if they do – I am so not approving your comments.