The Man Rules

Acadia Einstein

My neighbor. She wants me.

I decided it was time to share my infinite man wisdom. Women just don’t get it and I’m going to clue them in. Also, boobs.

  • Men are NOT mind readers.
  • Learn to work the toilet seat.  You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down.  You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. I’m going to start complaining now, though.
  • Sunday sports: it’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  • Crying is blackmail.
  • Ask for what you want. Let me be clear on this one:  Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work! Just fucking say it!
  • “Yes” and “No” are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

  • Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  • Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
  • If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. Gaining weight makes bigger boobs.
  • If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  • You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, fucking do it yourself.
  • Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  • Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
  • All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
  • If it itches, it  will be scratched. We do that.
  • If we ask what is wrong and you say, “Nothing,”  we will act like nothing’s wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
  • If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
  • When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… really. We rarely give a shit. Taking your clothes off…now, that’s a different story. We pretty much only care about clothes coming off.
  • Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, hamburgers, or the next door neighbor’s tits.
  • You have enough clothes.
  • You have too many shoes.
  • I am in shape.   Round is a shape!

Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.


Related Images:

Author:
I have run the site since 2005. And I have to say I am pretty damn proud of it. I wrote the book Whalewolf (sold on Smashwords.com) and am not even close to tired so I am just going to keep going. I was born in Portland, Maine and I currently live in New York and Charlotte, North Carolina. I keep hoping that at some point all these weird rebels are gonna say: "SURPRISE!" and act normal. Eight years and counting....

14 Comments

  1. sangfroid
    sangfroidReply
    July 15, 2011 at 1:07 am

    If it was someplace I wanted to go I’d know exactly where it is.

  2. Marcus Hochstadt
    July 15, 2011 at 3:03 am

    Absolutely! Fucking say (or do) it. 🙂

    Love both the rules and the pic. Remind me of my wife.

  3. Lissa
    July 15, 2011 at 6:27 am

    Holy Shit. Thank the Lord those are NOT mine.

  4. Nicole
    July 15, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Damn. Now I need to retaliate and write one called The Woman Rules. And boy do I have some.

  5. ladyguinevere
    July 15, 2011 at 8:48 am

    hahahaha.. really made me laugh. but made me think as well if thats how the man rules?

  6. JD505
    JD505Reply
    July 15, 2011 at 8:53 am

    Preach! Acadia, you have done an honorable service to man-kind by trying to.inform women. This was totally a “The more you know”. Too.bad it will upon the deaf ears of the female species. This is like a fucking man-manual! If women followed this, shit would go allot smoother! Will they? Nope!

    Nikki -- Have to write your own Women rules huh? I bet it’ll sound like allot of bitching and complaining! LoL.

  7. D
    July 15, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    Well..I concur and will add…Ladies…your man also benefits from your thoughts on just how sexy he looks and is. Women are not selected to be the only human that thrives on flattery. So when your man walks past you…grab a little or a lot and say, nice game honey 🙂

    I think the boob-age is a bit overdone on this photo:)then again I am woman…hear me roar 🙂

  8. Shirlie
    ShirlieReply
    July 16, 2011 at 7:52 am

    If in fact you really believe all that then you need a plum squashing (If in fact you have plums!)

  9. Christoph
    ChristophReply
    July 17, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    this just makes me very happy

  10. Outdoor recreation store
    Outdoor recreation storeReply
    July 18, 2011 at 6:43 am

    Still undessesive about what I like most, the picture or the rules 😀

  11. Frank
    FrankReply
    July 26, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    Best thing EVER!

  12. The best
    The bestReply
    September 16, 2012 at 10:02 am

    Yeah too bad no one gives a fuck what you want

  13. logiCall
    logiCallReply
    November 14, 2012 at 2:33 am

    To all the girls being pussy about the list, responding you’ll make your own list,I have 2 simple points, 1. You don’t wanna here the truth, THEN STFU AND LEAVE, why are you here??? 2. I’ve heard you’re damn lists a thousand times, don’t need a refresher.

    • Robert Amerson
      Robert AmersonReply
      December 16, 2012 at 5:14 am

      This is exactly on point. Well said; I was just telling my girl this stuff. Men are simpler than women think, we’re not complex and don’t want to be.

Let us know what you think. Being on-topic is NOT required.