Another year has come and gone and I would like to take the time now to look at the year here at the Gallery. I went through our site’s stats and picked out the top hit-getting posts published this year. It wasn’t quite as simple as I thought it would be. You see, when we make posts with multiple pictures in it, the site counts each picture view as a hit. So, it’d be kind of hard to compare a post like that to a post with all its content on a single page. I solved this problem by making two separate top 15 lists. I made one for the multiple picture posts and one for the single posts. Just hop the jump and we’ll get started!
Top 15 Multiple Picture Posts
15. Allison Kyler in Scream Queens - Allison Kyler is what Vange calls a “pre-star”. She was on some show called Scream Queens and lost. However, Vange feels she was robbed. Whatever. I have no idea who she is and am willing to wager that she never becomes a star. There is a pretty nifty video included in this post in which she shakes her jugs and ass a lot. So at least there’s that.
14. Animals That Can Kill - A kangaroo punching a bitch, an elephant turning a van over, and bird attacks galore. Acadia scored with this collection of pics showing humans being attacked by random animals. He also rants about the persecution of frogs, which makes him a hypocrite because he’s openly admitted to me in private that he’s in cahoots with Doc Hopper.
13. Good Timing Counts - Vange presents some pictures that were taken at just the right moment. Whether that moment is luck, skill, or Photoshop, it’s here.
12. Painted Cats - Here’s a collection I put together for Halloween of painted cats. Yeah, it would seem that some morons are willing to pay out the ass to have a cat of unnatural color. Then again, it could all be a ruse. Really though, who cares?
11. New Yorkers are Wonderful - Acadia gathered some pictures of notes that some assholes left on other asshole’s cars. They probably aren’t all from NY, but by all means, let’s stereotype. It’s fun.
10. PMS Stands for Punch my Sister - Acadia passes along something that was passed along to him about what PMS really stands for. Then he includes a bunch of pictures that attempt to play up what a handful women can be when they have PMS. I’d make a witty comment about how the danger of PMS is bullshit, but my wife will probably read this and I don’t need her shit.
9. Kids Do Stupid Shit to Make Us Laugh - Well, there’s not much to say about this one; the title says it all. Vange gives us some pictures of kids doing various silly things and tries to justify some bitch calling her contestants on Biggest Loser “monkeys.”
8. Have No Fear for the Future - Here is an uplifting post I made about the incredible job our kids are doing in school these days. It’s very inspirational and will bring a tear to your eye.
7. Amazing Cakes I Could Never Make - Vange gives us a picture collection of wondrous cakes that, while they may look pretty cool, probably taste like complete ass.
6. Kim Kardashian: Will Do Anything to be Photographed - Here is a bunch of pictures of Kim Kardashian standing around looking stupid and holding a cupcake. I don’t understand you people sometimes. There are also links to her pictures in the mine if you want to go on an ass hunt. I tried to do an ass pic count for you but I got to page three and then all of a sudden had to take a shit, which was far more important.
5. Old Timey 1920′s Pictures - Acadia presents twenty pictures from 1920. And not just pictures of the crappy cars, either. There’s one of cops destroying a moonshine still, the Hollywood sign before the “land” part was removed, and even a hot Girls Gone Wild shot.
4. You Named It What? - My shtick around here is that I search the internet looking for funny pics to steal and post. While doing this, I gathered a surprising amount of pictures with a common theme: questionable store names. Rather than draw them out and post one here and one there, I just put them all in one post. I’m also still trying to get worked in for an appointment at Hand Job.
3. You Need a License to Drive a Car… - Vange delivers some truly mind boggling parenting fails in this post. The good thing about this topic is that there is no shortage of stupid parents out there so this post is likely to have sequels.
2. 2010 Halloween Costume Contest - Yep, the big costume contest that you were too lazy to participate in. Despite this, you must have really dug the concept of being able to judge people because this post along with the vote page and winner announcement combined to give the Gallery a huge chunk of traffic.
1. Cool Inventions - Another self-explanatory post, done by Acadia, that most certainly benefited from having an easily Googled title. So much so, in fact, that it has become the second most popular post ever on the site, right under the even more Googled post about Ice Road Trucker Girl Lisa Kelly. Poor Lisa Kelly. You wouldn’t believe the amount of people who want to see her naked. She has never posed for Playboy, people. Sorry to break your heart.
Top 15 Single Posts
15. Cross my heart, hope to die, stick an needle in my eye. - Sangfroid delivers a touching piece on eyeball tattoos. It comes with a couple links to videos of the procedure if the included pictures aren’t enough to make you squeal like a little girl.
14. 31 Scary Things – #1 – Scary Organ Music - Acadia posted this to kick off the Halloween season. It’s a short video about scary organ music. He then posted a new video of a scary thing every day for the rest of the month, some of which were much better than this one but this is the one that got the hits, so here you go.
13. Kirsten Dunst now has a Free Pass. Forever. - Here Acadia gives Kirsten a totally undeserved free pass from ridicule for simply dressing up as an anime chick and prancing around Japan while singing “Turning Japanese.” While the video awesomely makes no sense, I don’t think it’s enough to give Kirsten a free pass forever. More like for a month or so, which would be up by now. Kirsten Dunst is a snaggletooth bitch!
12. College Football Pasties - Paddy Festus gives us the rundown on which college football teams picked on lesser teams in search of a win in week one of the season. Even more important than that, though, is that he gathered some T&A shots and managed to work them into the post.
11. Don’t Worry About This - Acadia passes on a warning he received from some fear mongerer about the dangers of stopping to check on a car seat with a fake baby in it. Remember kids: everyone is out to get you and eventually, they will. They will.
10. Asian Kid Sings Whitney Houston Well – Fat People Cheer Louder - Some fat kid sings “I Will Always Love You” to the joy and delight of all the sheep who watch a talent show. It’s okay but he’s no pre-crack Whitney, who in turn is no Dolly Parton. Shit, I’m fondling invisible boobs now… Anyway, I think the best thing to come of this post is that Acadia’s banner pic was good enough to fool people into clicking on it enough times to where the banner pic alone got more hits than some of the other posts from this year.
9. Stevie Nicks Gonna Bitch Slap Somebody - Here Vange whines that Stevie Nicks had to play second fiddle to Taylor Swift at the Grammys. While I will concede that Stevie is definitely the more talented of the two, you gotta wonder if she would have been at the Grammys at all had Taylor not wanted to sing her song.
8. Sandra Bullock Deserves Better. But She’s Stupid. - In a surprising show of reasoning, Acadia deduces that Sandra Bullock was an idiot for even messing with Jesse James in the first place. Also, this post does include some extra pics to click on, technically making it a multiple picture post. However, it’s only three pics and if you really care that much you can just eat shit.
7. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover: The Cleveland Show - Acadia thinks the Cleveland Show is funny. Take that however you like. I haven’t seen the show so I wouldn’t know. If it’s anything like Family Guy and American Dad, then I’d say it’s a bit of hit and miss.
6. Gaza Dump Truck Rocket Launcher - Acadia shows us a captured garbage truck from Gaza that was modified to shoot Casey Kasem or something. Oh those crazy Gazinians, what’ll they think of next?
5. Naughty Kids – In this post, Vange shares five separate jokes about children and the wacky things they say. Your guess is as good as mine as to how it made it this far up on the list. Might have something to do with the banner pic.
4. You Think Your Family is Fucked Up? - Here is an excellent collection of pictures showcasing just how insane humanity is. This post would have done very well as a multiple picture post, but Vange just put all the pictures on the first page.
3. Ali Larter - Here is a post linking you to all the pictures of Ali Larter in the mine. This is another chick who I have no idea who she is. I tried to read what Vange wrote in the post about her but I kept falling asleep. Seriously, this has got to be the most boring looking chick I’ve ever seen. Apparently people like her though, so here you go.
2. Big Brother, JW Style. It’s like Poker, but Done Stupidly - JW fills in for Acadia on a recap of Big Brother here. I don’t know what he did differently than Acadia besides posting links to nude pictures of one of the asshats on the show, but the search engines absolutely LOVE this post. While it makes me happy to see JW this high up on the list, I’m really bummed that it’s a post about douchebags on some stupid reality show.
1. Suicide Note (Not Really. Well, maybe.) - Even Acadia has flashes of brilliance sometimes, and this post is proof. It chronicles his efforts to install a new hard drive in the most manly way possible. If you missed this one then you missed the best reason to come to Superficial Gallery this year.