The 4th of July is the day when we celebrate our independence. And every single way we do it is extra extra deadly. Other than National-Stab-Me-But-Miss-My-Vital-Organs-Day it’s the most dangerous holiday we have. So to help you stay safe, I am going to give you a list of all the ways the 4th of July can kill you.

  • Packing a picnic basket: You can forget to wrap the knives in napkins and then when you reach back in you slit your own wrist. Also usually picnic baskets have scorpions in them.
  • Getting out early: If you are one of those people who is all standing by the car tapping your foot at 5:30 AM worrying about the traffic, then someone else who is going with you will get up about 9 and kill you cause nobody likes pricks like you.
  • Driving somewhere: You could die from listening to endless droning about gas prices. You could die of heat exhaustion sitting in traffic (you should have left earlier).
  • Staying Home: Inviting people over can get you run over while you tell them where to park.
  • Grilling: Spattering fat could go in your eye and while you stagger around in pain you could fall down a well. You could also have a heart attack while “fixing a plate.”
  • Outdoor Sports: Arguing calls in softball will get you shot. Old School Jarts. The Ducky Boys could show up and wreck your football game.
  • Swimming: Crashing helicopters always aim for water. And everyone thinks they have time to dodge the crashing helicopter. They don’t.
  • Sparklers: Sure – give a 1000 degree flame stick to a little kid.
  • Fire Crackers: 400 people choked on firecrackers last year. They aren’t candy.
  • Watching the Fireworks: Saying “Ohhh” and “Ahhh” and then laughing will make me come and kill you.
  • Driving Home: You can die from the disappointment over the finale, and bitch about how it is over so fast these days compared to when you were younger.
  • Having Sex when you get home: You can die from the disappointment over the finale, and bitch about how it is over so fast these days compared to when you were younger.

Just go to the cemetery tomorrow – it is the safest place to be! And thanks, ImpNerd.

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