I am sure that everyone will be talking about the Nineties and how we had so much money and blah blah blah. People always seem to think that things were 100 times better AND 100 times worse back in the day than they are now. But on this one, the whole Federal surplus thing, I think that won’t happen again. Nope. We blew it. Now everyone is so mad all the time about politics that we couldn’t even manage to stick together long enough to kill every terrorist in the world. You just think about that, people. Disappointing.
Now, exactly why did we have all that money? Well, that depends on who you ask. Wait, no it doesn’t. It means the government took in more money than it spent. That is exactly what a surplus means. And now we don’t have one again. Why? Well, let me explain.
You know how politicians say that “well if American families have to balance their budgets, so should we!” Well, that is what is known as “a bunch of crap”. Every family has car payments and credit cards and mortgages and all of that. And if they manage to pay it all, then they can put some money in the bank. That’s what we did for a while. We had a bit of extra money as a country. And what did we do with it? Who knows. We didn’t buy any new states. We still owe banks money. We didn’t even invest in a big terrorist killing machine like everyone makes in Besieged:
We gave it back to ourselves like the idiots we are. You know how everyone says “oh don’t give the government our money, they won’t know what to do with it, blah blah”? Well the only thing that’s worse is pretending we know what to do with it. We took all that money we had in the 90s and spent it on pets.com and all sorts of other crap and now we are all broke again. Except for the rich people. They stayed rich.
One of the ways that people convince themselves to quit smoking is by telling themselves about what they will do with all the money they are going to save. “Well,” they say. “If I put that eight bucks a day I spend on smokes in a jug, at the end of the year I can buy myself a fancy new hat made of gold.”
Except it never works that way. It just gets absorbed. Just like our surplus did when they gave it back to us. So let that be a lesson to you. If you have some extra money, BUY SOMETHING IMMEDIATELY. If you do that, you can’t lose the money. You just have a thing that you can’t absorb. I wish we had bought a new state. I hate knowing that all our extra money just got sent back to our own dumb selves.
I miss the 90s.