Grading Bad – Alice in Murderland (2012)

Editor’s Note: Amander is new.  She watches movies and SPOILS THEM!  Well, I mean she tells you what’s going to happen.  But usually the answer to that is: the movie will suck.  I am going to make her some cool badge that says spoiler but for now just be warned. WARNING! 

You have been warned. — Acadia

Premise: Alice, whose mother was viciously murdered apathetically stabbed to death when she was just a baby, and whose father vanished suspiciously just after her murder, is now 21 years old. Her sorority sisters decide to throw Alice an Alice in Wonderland themed party. They choose to hold this girls-only, forced costume, cell-phone-prohibited party, in Alice’s uncle’s “house.” The very “house” (that is a warehouse, they should stop calling it a house…they could call it a home maybe? Not a house) where Alice’s mother was murdered 20 years ago on Alice’s first birthday. Hijinx ensue…dun-dun-DUN!

“Based on a true story.”

I am wondering if the “true story” is about a bunch of amateur-porn-quality actresses who make a movie with someone’s cousin’s webcam. The good news is this movie is really short. The bad news is I’m about to spoiler up in this mug, so prepare yourselves.

I like a list, get used to them, Superficial Gallarians (What DO I call you? Comment below with ideas. I must call you something!):

1. So, I’m not super familiar with sororities beyond knowing that members often wear matching clothing and have a lot of school spirit, but if I had only this movie to base my understanding of sororities on I’d be convinced that they were full of people who hate one another, eat a lot of button mushrooms and pretend to be high (those are not shrooms), get in slap-fights, and share beds. Is that a normal thing? Sorority girls of the world, when you share a room with a sorority sister do you normally also share a double bed? Because I would go with bunk beds, personally. Or at least twin beds. I spent the first 20 minutes of the movie thinking the main character and her best friend were a refreshingly non-stereotypical lesbian couple, and I was disappointed to find out that I was wrong because how many horror movies have a lesbian couple in the lead roles? None that I know of…someone should make that happen. Only they should make it a better movie than Alice in Murderland.
2. I also couldn’t tell what was dream sequence and what was real…not that I guess it mattered in the long run. The first big death scene (a dream sequence?) was super-dramatic in a high-school play hamming it up way that amused me, but by the end of the movie I still had zero clue who the first person killed was. Not a good way to start off. It’s a good thing I think it was a dream sequence…maybe?
3. The “house” is only accessible via a long creepy walk through a junkyard. That’s not a house. Also, why did they not use the visible alleyway to access the house? I can see a cross-street ½ block away. I’m so glad they decided this was a cell-phone free weekend. You wouldn’t want a cell phone while you were walking through a Dream Child-esque  junkyard to an abandoned building for your horrible sorority’s party.
4. The uncle, who shall henceforth be known as Feely Hands, is maybe the worst actor I have ever seen, outside of…well, anything. I have seen better performances in school plays. He couldn’t act more unnaturally if he were being bombarded about the face with drama bees. Uncle Feely Hands is the worst. And the character is obsessed with the sewing machines in the basement, which made me think there was going to be some plot point that involved sewing…but no. Nothing. Why mention something repeatedly when it doesn’t play into any aspect of the film? At least have someone get sewn to death.
5. There are two catfights in this movie. Both of them are ineffectual slap-fights which end in panty showing falls. Their fighting is reminiscent of sleepy toddlers. Sleepy toddlers may have been hired to choreograph these scenes.
6. Do they really make panties that have a big arrow on the butt with the words “Rear Access Allowed” on them? And if so, that’s cool.
7. SPOILER:                                                                                                                                                    The Jabberwocky did it.
8. Actual Dialog Spoiler: “I’m not sure I’ve ever had tea. Should I try it?” What the actual f**k? Is there a person in North America (or possibly the world) who has never had tea? Ever? Like no kind of tea ever? I call shenanigans on that.
9. What kind of prank is electrifying a doorknob? And how are they not pranked to death in that scene? Also, how come the doorknob is suddenly, magically, unelectrified without explanation when the next dumb-dumb opens it? I have so many questions.
10. How do two people in a shower stall not notice a giant dragon-costumed killer has entered the shower with them? Also, in whose universe does taking a shower negate the effects of shrooms?
11. 

    Just repainting the shower…it’s so messy I could die!

    Actual Dialog Spoiler:                                                                    “Where’s Donna?” “Glued to the toilet seat.” “Of course she is.” Yeah, I’m not surprised she is either really. Donna may be the dumbest sorority girl in the history of history, but that doesn’t mean you should glue her dumb a** to a toilet.

12. Heads do not come off that easy. Shenanigans. Related shenanigans: the inside of a person’s head does not look like cherry pie. And blood does not look like semi-gloss pantone #1807 (aka Ladybug Red).Just repainting the shower…it’s so messy I could die!
13. I spent five minutes screaming at a girl “stuck in a window.” Dear film makers, usually being “shut” in a window involves the window being somehow shut. There was visible room on all sides of the “stuck” girl as she flailed around.

Conclusion:  Some sorority girls are psychos with very convoluted four-year long agendas to destroy their sorority sisters, and this movie makes zero sense. Even with the big “who done it” reveal I was confused by many things…mainly why the deaths happened at all. The movie was bad enough to be border-line amusing, but it felt like somewhere in the world there must be an equally bad porn version of the film. I don’t want to watch that version either. This had to have been the worst party ever, even prior to the murdering. The murdering actually improved it. There was no music because Uncle Feely Hands’ turntable was broken. There were no guys. They were forced to play Alice in Wonderland charades. They obviously all hate each other. I’d go psychotic too.

Most horrible sorority ever.

Ultimately, I don’t recommend this film. I think an Alice in Wonderland themed horror film would be awesome. I’m still waiting for someone (anyone) to make American McGee’s Alice into a horror film. I’d be the first in line to watch that. This, though, was a letdown.

I suffer for your amusement. Love, Amander