The Gallery Staff Trying to Console Me.

The Gallery Staff Trying to Console Me.

Here is my concise review of The Next Food Network Star.


I am so done with this show.  I didn’t even watch the finale since I knew it was going to be a big bunch of crap until the end and it was.  So I watched True Blood first (RIP Violet the best character ever to be on the show) and then Fast Forwarded through the panel junk,

Well, at first when I was Fast Forwarding I would stop it when I saw Nicole to see if she said anything funny or dumb but then I realized that was kind of creepy and I felt like I was making this face even though I wasn’t.


So then I got to the last commercial break and all of a sudden Nicole was gone into the back row and it was Lenny and Luca in the final two.  What?  How did that happen?

Artist's Rendition of Lenny and Luca

Artist’s Rendition of Lenny and Luca

And once that happened I knew it was inevitable that the doofus cowboy would win.  And you know what?  If this had been Big Brother or The Bachelor or Wipeout I would have totally rooted for Lenny.  But this was supposed to be a way to get someone on Food Network that people might actually watch.  That’s why Nicole needed to win.  Nobody is going to watch Lenny’s Chuck Wagon or whatever.  Just like they didn’t watch Sandwich Guy or Big Daddy or the Backyard Bistro Chick or “The Blonde one Who Won from Last Year.”

Letting America vote was a terrible idea.  What exactly made you think that the people who watch Food Network are qualified to tell you what kind of shows to put on?  Or is it rigged And you were always picking Lenny and you just wanted website hits?  Hmm.  Well, I bet you wouldn’t turn to America if the choice you were giving them was:

A:  Any other show you can think of that the Food Network could conceivably put on the air

B:  Giada standing topless in the kitchen and talking about llamas for ten minutes.

See?  We can’t be trusted.  We voted for a Congress from one party and a President from another and then complain that nothing gets done.  WE ARE IDIOTS.  But you, you Food Network, are the real problem.  See, Nicole was better.  And not only was she better, she had a chance to be a success.  All the idiots who have won the show have gone on to NOT become stars.  We all know this.  But Nicole was nice enough to interest people, self-deprecating enough to not be snobby, talented enough to look like she knew what was up and she wasn’t a one trick pony.

Lenny is a one trick pony.  And just because a bunch of butter-soaked Southern housewives had ALL DAY EVERY DAY to vote doesn’t mean he deserved a show.  By the way, I know that I have already given you two theories about the voting that completely contradict each other but I don’t care. I am going to keep picking at this like it was the JFK assassination.

And don’t think this is the last you have seen of Nicole.  I know she is going to end up more famous than Lenny.  She is a good sport, of course and will be all nice and gracious but I assume she looks like this right now:


Stay tuned because I am going to figure out a way to help make her super famous and then glom off of her after she has made it.  Maybe a web show.  Maybe I will take all money money and start a network and have her on it and me, and prolly Eva.  And I will need a LOT more shows so I guess whoever posts what show they want in the comments can have it.  I have a lot of hours to fill, folks.

In all seriousness, though, Nicole should have won.  She is great and we at the Gallery love her to pieces.  As for The Next Food Network Star is concerned, unless there is an all atars show and Nicole is on it, I am done.  I am so done I went to the trouble of making a gallery of “whatever” gifs that I will open and watch next year instead of their stupid show.  Good night, stupid America.  You have let me down, badly.  And you will make Lenny flop on Food Network which will probably hurt his core business.  No winners here.  Well, except Nicole because we are totally going to make her a real star.  So take THAT, America.


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