The times, they are a-changin’ friends. Welcome to the American Horror Stream recap for episode two of AHS: Apocalypse, “The Morning After”, rightly titled after a good ribbing from Michael Langdon and the necessary steps one must take to avoid any surprises after a night of outrageous and un-planned shenanigans.

This week’s episode opens with our fairer sexed teenage mutant, Emily, undressing after a long day at the depressing Outpost. While adjusting her mood lighting, her wardrobe opens as if it suddenly got a wild cursed furniture up it’s behind. Upon closer inspection, Emily finds live snakes crawling about her Prince inspired threads, totally messing up said mood lighting from earlier. Timothy runs in upon hearing his love scream in terror and so valiantly swoops her up from danger … wait … no that’s not what happened here. He swooped in and jumped on the bed in terror, along with Emily, scared for his life over the creepy crawlers. It’s Miriam and the Cooperative Hulk to the rescue as they both go hog wild chopping off snake heads. Now that’s how you blow off some steam while living underground during nuclear winter, folks. Miriam is ecstatic at some fresh protein, mmmmm, and assures they will test the snakes for any contamination. *cue dinner bell*

The Greys roll in some yummy snake stew and Coco rolls out a rather tame and silky hairstyle, which begs the question … did Langdon bring some killer hair product with him, and if so, is he sharing with Coco? She objects to snake stew and delivers a one-liner about eating things with too many legs or none at all, but doesn’t get out of it without a quick comeback from Andre about having no objections to eating the Stu stew. *snaps, snaps, snaps* Of course, it’s Dinah to the rescue with her words of wisdom and her reassuring thoughts on adapting to the new norm, which may include eating something, or someone, that may have otherwise been a hard no in our former lives. Not to be outdone, Nana Evie has to throw in her annoying anecdote about having this same delicacy in Kuala Lumpur, blah, blah, sorry I feel asleep for 30 seconds while she unnecessarily filled a quiet moment that could have been used for reflection.

Emily grows a pair and dares to question Ms. Venable about who is in her office. Timothy decides to grow some too, although I think Emily’s are bigger.  Venable is annoyed and she dodges questions while everyone opens their warm bubbling lids to live snakes lunging from their bowls just like the ole snake in a can gag. Everyone jumps back in fear and surprise at the once dead snakes and can hardly contain their disdain as once again their second chance at something other than a cube-mallow for dinner is ruined.

The teenage mutants are gossiping about the snakes, and the special guest of Outpost #3, when Miriam catches them and they scatter quicker than the table after their snake surprise earlier. We come upon what I am declaring as the first ever Outpost #3 Town Hall hosted by the one and only Michael Langdon. *scattered applause* In true Coco fashion, she shows up dressed to impress with her medusa ‘do and a bad attiude. Langdon comes out of the gate strong like a bull that’s just had his genitals pulled and lays it out plain and simple. He lets his constituents know that his arrival is crucial to their survival as they are now the only successful outpost to have made it in the United States, possibly internationally as well. The three other outposts in the continental U.S., Syracuse, NY, Bleckley, WV, and San Angelo, TX, have been overrun and destroyed. They’ve had no contact with the six international compounds, but are anticipating the same results nonetheless. The residents of Outpost #3 want question what happened at the other safe houses and can’t wait to share the good news: massacre.

Langdon goes on to tease the Sanctuary and all its greatness to our players and really drives home that it’s the Disneyland for post-nuclear survivors. Packed full of supplies to last a decade and the tightest security measures known to exist. Miriam has questions about the security for Outpost #3 when, with a raised palm, she is shut down and Michael proceeds. Everyone at the Sanctuary will survive, so the people populating it will survive, and so forth. Andre pipes up and wants to know who is populating the Sanctuary, forcing Langdon to bring the pimp hand out again. Clearly he is not amused and cuts to the chase. He’s been sent to evaluate the residents of this outpost to determine if they are fit or worthy to join him at the Sanctuary. *A moment to mention that so far any place referred to as “the Sanctuary” in any of our loved shows has yet to turn out for the good.* Moving on.

This news excites the bunch and irritates Venable. Checkmate, pack it up, we’re done here. Langdon’s daily mission is complete. He then explains the rigorous evaluation process, cleverly penned as Cooperating, but not without some smart talk from Coco. Langdon is not impressed and lets everyone know that “cooperating” up to them, they can choose to do so or die at the outpost. So nice to know that the freedom of choice hasn’t been lost in this post nuclear world. ‘Merica. Mr. Gallant volunteers to go first, which comes as no surprise given his impatient and bratty disposition. Before leaving the room, Langdon leaves everyone with a hopeful outlook on their future. If they don’t make the cut, they can down a magic pill and *poof* all your troubles are but a distant memory as you fade off into your dreams wondering why you didn’t make it in the Gilligan’s Island of fallout shelters.

Cooperation begins between Gallant and Langdon with Langdon assertively assuring Mr. Gallant that he will want to take this seriously as any tomfoolery will be known to him and the consequence is a painful death right then and there. Do not pass go, do not collect a spot at the Sanctuary. Langdon begins by questioning Gallant’s lifestyle choices and he immediately rambles on nervously about being down to re-populate the world if necessary, even if ladies aren’t his bag. Langdon assures him that they have methods for harvesting genetic material (….. anyone else picturing a very twisted spank bank here?) and Gallant’s potential to impregnate someone is irrelevant. Langdon wants the real dirt – tell me about your anger, specifically about your anger towards your grandmother. Gallant goes on to tell the story of how he loathes his grandmother and her aspirations for him to be the perfect gay grandson. She would host suburban lunch parties in which potential suitors would come and try to impress Nana if only to get into her will and not just her grandson. He was disgusted by this of course and would sabotage the parties until she snapped and roasted him worse than the crappy food being served at the moment. She tells him he is pathetic and he reveals that it was the last time Nana tried to tame the beast known as Mr. Gallant.

Mr. Gallant takes the opportunity to come on to Langdon in a lame “I’m pickup up what you’re putting down” way, which seems to amuse Langdon but not in the way it is intended. After a little game of cat and mouse, Langdon excuses Mr. Gallant from the cooperation game leaving him truly confused. Meanwhile, our teenage mutant lovebirds are smooching away again in Apocalypticville, still standing firm to their desires to get it on, when Emily declares she’s had enough. No more sitting around waiting for acceptance from some agency whose leader has an affinity for red eye makeup. She’s ready to split and embark on their own mutant road trip when Timothy pulls a major buzzkill and asks her if she remembers what it’s like out there. I’m sure she remembers the same you do Timothy, which is not much considering the disarray when you arrived to Outpost #3. Emily has a bright idea – let’s snoop in Langdon’s room. This always turns out for the best.

Mr. Gallant, trying to salvage the high from cooperating with Langdon, is interrupted by none other than the Rubberband man! Murder house tie-in commences! It’s our friend from season one back and ready to weak more havoc than ever before. Mr. Gallant is convinced it’s Langdon and after some light foreplay gets hot and heavy with Rubberband man only for Nana Evie to bust in on her grandson’s aggressive cuddling session. Evie runs to spill the tea with Mirarm regarding her grandson’s transgressions. Cut to our teenage twosome entering Langdon’s room and his – surprise! – Laptop. Yes, that’s right – suddenly there’s Wi-Fi, electricity, and a slew of information on the happenings outside of the fallout shelter. Now, where is the plug? I’ve got a phone to charge and social media to check.

In the treasure chest known as an Apple Macbook, we find that there is communication in the outside world. It’s 2021 and we still have G-mail (someone right now at Google is pitching their apocalyptic appeal to potential investors). We also see there are e-mails with information, such as locations, and zipped file footage from the overrun outposts. Perhaps the best booty in the chest is that of Venable – the Cooperation is aware she has taken a rogue approach to running Outpost #3 and she, along with Mr. Gallant, is now at the top of the “elimination list”, much like our Rubberband man is on top of the mutants and chilling from the ceiling. Hiiiiii there!

Langdon engages Venable in conversation, quickly brushing aside her façade of order, and crushes her under the pressure of his vast knowledge. She tries to intimidate him with a quick back and forth over how humiliating it must be for him, and the other men that lost control of the world, to realize that a woman has more intelligence, figuratively and literally, than them. After a dismissive chuckle, Langdon begins to drop some hard facts on Venable (she’s strong as hell… sing it with me … Ms. Venable … it’s a miracle). He opens with a heart wrenching story about a mother with one deceased child in her arms and a toddler on her leg screaming for mercy in the midst of a nuclear explosion. This touches Venable and she asks if anyone helped the poor woman. Out of tear stained eyes Langdon answers with a “no” and moves along. He senses a different type of fuel that lights her fire – it’s not anger that overpowers her mind, its shame instead. We get a look at a vulnerable Venable when Langdon exposes her back and twisted spine to match her politics within Outpost #3.

Miriam interrupts a tender moment between Venable and Langdon and is surprised to find Venable in a rather compromising position. Miriam makes it known she’s displeased with Langdon in general and goes to take out her aggression on something other than snakes this time around. She lets Venable in on the hot goss from Nana Evie and no time is wasted getting down to business with Mr. Gallant. We see him in a room chained from the ceiling, dangling like a fresh slab of meat at the butcher’s block. Venable has created a conspiracy theory with Miriam that Gallant and Langdon are in a scheme together and she attempts to beat the truth out of him one lashing at a time.  She calls Miriam off after one too many gay icon reference’s from young Gallant. He’s not ratting out his rubber lover for anything, thinking this is earning him points with Langdon. As we see shortly thereafter, Langdon dispels any tie to our Rubberband man and let’s Gallant down easy by letting him know that he’d never be with him even if he were the last man on Earth. He’s too needy. Langdon really knows how to spout limericks of love and sparkles, doesn’t he? (He’s no Tate, did you get anything from your tender hearted dad….?)

Gallant, feeling  like he’s hit rock bottom, decides to confront his Nana at the corral, sharp tongue in one hand and a whiskey glass in the other, in a dual of Gallants – but who will win? Nana manages to prove she’s got the sharper tongue of the two when she reads him for filth in front of the others and exposing him for the talentless, poor excuse of a human he is, all to the tune of “Time in a Bottle”. Timothy and Emily decide it’s time to caulk the tub as it’s been eighteen months too long without any action and we get another scene with the Rubberband man. *Hey y’all, prepare yourself for the rubberband man … you’re bound to lose control when the rubberband starts to jam…* Outta sight!

We cut back to Gallant sulking in the parlor after being served that scorching cup of tea from Nana. A new song rolls out, along with all the chill bumps in the world, and Fleetwood Mac’s “Gold Dust Woman” begins to play. Is this a sign of the witches to come? Possibly, but right now the song serves as the breaking point for Gallant. He walks over and stabs his rubber lover to death, only to turn around and see he’s just murdered his very own Nana. RIP you gold dust woman – you won’t be shattering any more illusions of love in this lifetime. Plus, there’s not enough in the budget for Joan Collins and Jessica Lange, let’s be real.

Miriam and the giant Cooperative agent bust up mutant snugglefest 2021 and take them to the dreaded showers where punishment for their crime will surely finally help Miriam blow off more steam – it’s been an exhausting day. Instead, Timothy manages to shoot her before being smashed by the Cooperate Hulk, and we see a most disturbing sight. Miriam exposes where she was hit along with rotted flesh, exposed ribs, and milky blood. Is she short circuiting? Did she just pull a wire from where now, wait a minute, what’s that, wtf is Mead?!

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