“A daredevil adventurer has become the first person to surf the base of an erupting volcano and swim within feet of flowing lava – and she did it in a bikini!”


Alison Teal wearing a pink bikini and riding a pink surfboard (It’s the rules. You’ve got to describe what a woman is wearing and describe her accessories if she’s in the news) went surfing at the base of Kilauea Volcano and didn’t die.

For those of you like Alison, who are also privileged white kids that don’t believe you can die while indulging yourself in adrenaline junkie stunts, molten rock, also known as lava, ranges from 700°C to 1,200°C (That’s 1,292 to 2,192°F for Trump supporters) Steel melts at about 1,500°C so presumably the buckle on the bikini would have survived had she been cooked by the lava she swam within feet of.


Alison Teal: Tongue

There were no reports of what underwater photographer Perrin James wore because nobody cares what guys wear when they’re doing something stupid even when they’re right next to the good looking woman in a bikini.

“I was hoping to catch a wave, however, when I got in close I was hit by a spatter of hardening rock spray and I quickly ducked under water.”

My first reaction was: I cooked bacon once naked and I’m never doing that again.

“To the Hawaiians, the anuenue, or rainbow, represents the pathway where the ali’I or gods come down to bless the earth.”

I’m not sure what any of that means in regards to being stupid enough to surf near a lava. The Hawaiian word “puanani” (beautiful flower) is my favorite slang term for the vagina but that also has no relation to being stupid enough to surf near lava.

“We consulted with the Elders and with their guidance, permission, and followed cultural protocol.”

I’m pretty sure there is no cultural protocol for stupid blond woman trying to get cooked in a volcano but I imagine they just figured it was nice that she was going to appease Pele with human sacrifice.

Alison lives in an off-the-grid Swiss Family Robinson-style home in Kona, Hawaii with her famous father, National Geographic photographer David Bleher. (Not  relevant but you have to include this kind of eligibility information for anyone who wears a bikini. You also have to mention that she’s got an online series called Alison’s Adventures so she can get money for doing more stupid things half dressed)

Come to think of it Cooking Alison might be a better title for her self-produced show.