So April 22 was Earth Day and after doing nothing to celebrate it I decided to make a new holiday called Anti-People Day. And not because ‘we’re destroying the Earth’. We aren’t. Get over it you stupid hippies. And we can’t do anything we want, either. So get over it, big-eared Sarah Palin. Everyone needs to admit, once and for all, that when we cry about ‘The Earth’ we really mean: “People and Dogs and TV.” The Earth doesn’t give a fuck about you. Want some proof?
- Earthquakes and Tsunamis. You gonna tell me global warming does those? Wrong. Earth quakes cause it doesn’t care that we are scurrying around on it.
- People protest about clear cutting forests that grow out of land that used to be covered with a mile of ice.
- We complain about fossil fuels. There are fossil fuels because the dinosaurs got killed by a METEOR. Not because they drove cars.
- We might get killed by a meteor. Oh, if any of you douches correct me and say “meteorite” I will punch your face in.
- The continents used to be one big continent. And will be again. Earth does not give a shit.
So I’m not saying that we should start shitting in the Grand Canyon and wiping our asses with endangered marmots. I’m just saying that pretending that a giant rock that is 3/4 covered with water and MOLTEN in the middle that has been quite fine in space for billions of years is going to be SAVED by some dinks wearing bajas and drinking water out of a canteen made from leaves.
So Anti-People Day would be a day where everyone just stays home. Don’t talk to anyone. Don’t yap about your beliefs (they are as stupid as mine). Don’t complain about taxes or your slutty son or daughter or mother or father. Just stay in the damned house. Use the AC. Or the heat. Whatever. Just shut the fuck up. For a whole day.
Then when you come out, admit that the only thing you are really worried about is wiping out PEOPLE and ANIMALS. Not Earth. Earth as we have discussed does not give a shit about you and does not need your goddamn help. If you can plug up the volcano in Iceland up or prevent a tornado, then maybe you can talk seriously about doing something that Earth might care about. Other than that, just call it what it is: “We don’t want to make ourselves extinct day”.