Author: malkatz

Gleecap: Heart

This week, on Glee… Will says the Glee club needs money, but the issue is resolved when Sugar donates to the Glee club. Artie and Rory both want Sugar to be their Valentine. Rachel’s dads finally make an appearance, and are played by Jeff Goldblum and Brian Stokes Mitchell. They agree to have a Hudson/Berry family get together in light of Rachel and Finn’s engagement. There is a new club, The God Squad, except it apparently always existed. Sam, Quinn, Mercedes and GLEE Project’s Samuel Larsen’s character, Joe Hart (named in honor of his premiere episode,) are members. Joe is a dreadhead Jesus freak who has the hots for Quinn. Similar to Samuel himself, he seemed unsure about his stance on whether or not gay is okay (I will elaborate later.) The God Squad decides to do musical valentines for money. Kurt is getting gorilla-themed valentines from a secret admirer. Rory and Artie duel for Sugar’s affections. Santana and Brittany are interrupted pre-kiss, and Figgins tells them somebody complained about their PDA, and hints it was religiously influenced. Apparently Figgins’s job is just to tell main characters about the various complaints he gets now. (See The Spanish Teacher.) Santana pays The God Squad to give Brittany a musical valentine, making it clear she is a lesbian. Rory tells the Glee club he will need to move back to Ireland...

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Gleecap: The Spanish Teacher

  Just a quick word: I apologize for the Michael recap delay. It was both my fault, and the site admin’s. We were just testing your loyalty, really. Anyway, here come the bulletpoints. Will performs La Cucaracha for his Spanish class, during the period that conveniently includes the majority of the Glee club, including Santana, which I will get to later. The perfomance bombs, and Principal Figgins i nforms Willthere was a complain about his teaching, but won’t reveal the source. Figgins mentions they are looking to give a faculty member tenure. Since the school board finally caught on to the fact Will, their Spanish teacher, can’t speak Spanish, so he attends night school. The night school Spanish teacher, David Martinez, is played by Ricky Martin. Many teeth jokes occur. Will invites David to sing sweet, sexy Spanish songs to his students, and he delivers a terrifying speech about how the Latinos are taking over the United States, but is also sexy enough that no one feels insecure in their impending minority label. The incredible Coach Roz (Nene Leakes) makes a return. She tells Sue that she is a sucky cheerleading coach who is not edgy and uses obsolete choreography. Since the GLEE canon changes from episode to episode, this is suddenly true, despite the fact Sue has used pryotechnics and Top 20 songs in many of the Cheerios’...

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GLEEcap: Michael

Since you people are apparently illiterate pussies, and could not deal with a full recap, I did bullet points this time. The points are not in chronological order, nor are they funny, but, hey, your ADHD won’t be offended by them. The Glee kids all discuss how much they love Michael Jackson, and we pretend to ignore the fact that no kid born in 1993 cared about Michael before he died. Will agrees the Glee club should perform Michael songs, which does not help his image as a pedophile. Rachel is yet to answer Finn’s proposal, and has not heard from NYATA. New Directions and The Warblers have an incredibly tedious war over the right to perform Michael Jackson. There are two sing-offs, both even more ridiculous than you might imagine. Sebastian, the Warbler, has gone from sneaky to full-on soap opera villian. Blaine gets hit in the eye with a tainted slushie. Dianna Agron continues to make her apathy towards the show incredibly evident, but Quinn does, in fact, get a solo, and it is the only song in the episode that doesn’t seem forced or insincere. Kurt gets into NYATA, which worries Rachel, and, therefore, she can’t even try to seem happy for him. Rachel is terrified about her future because NYATA did not send her an acceptance letter yet, and starts to wonder if marrying Finn...

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GLEEcap: Yes/No

We are immediately thrown into a song, Summer Nights from Grease. The girls are begging Mercedes for all the details on her summer romance with Sam, and I call bullsh*t. We’re in January. Mercedes has been sitting in the Glee club with them since the first day of school in September. Then again, it is no secret Mercedes is completely disposable to the Glee club. They probably forgot she exists altogether. Even Tina, who may or may not be a selective mute, got to talk about her boring romance with Mike a few hundred times this season. Quinn and Santana have decided they are way too cool for this number. Quinn sits there, doing nothing, and Santana shoves the girls, making them fall in a domino effect. Side note: I hate to do this, because I love the costumes on this show, but what the f*ck was the wardrobe department thinking here? As I said, it is January at this point- in Ohio- and some characters are dressed for spring. Amber Riley looks really beautiful here, though. The boys ask Sam about the summer romance. Kurt starts singing, but- surprise!- he’s with the girls. Hahahaha. It’s funny because gay guys are actually female. There is a weird split-screen composition between Mercedes and Sam, and Sam actually flinches, as if he suddenly sees a big black mirage to his right....

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Best of Brit

Remember when Britney Spears was young, and hot, and untainted and thinking about her taint wasn’t odd? You know, before she went batshit, shaved her head, flashed her business everywhere? We miss that Brit, that uncomplicated jailbait airhead. The batshit one was good for tabloids and voyeurism, but it was sad and intrusive and I didn’t care for it. We gathered up a retrospective collection of the Britney Spears we miss. You can go enjoy now. Pervs. Pix after the jump [Show slideshow]...

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Heidi Montag: “Jennifer Aniston Banned Me.”

Heidi Montag is claiming that Jennifer Aniston banned her from the Just Go With it Premiere. Jennifer Aniston, who the fuck do you think you are? Heidi Montag is not all that different from you. To everyone who just gasped at that statement, here’s the breakdown: Plastic surgery: Jennifer wouldn’t even have a career if it weren’t for her nose job. At least Heidi owned up to her multiple surgeries. Fake, fake, fake: when I look at Jennifer Aniston, all I see is a fake tan, highlights and makeup. I see her, and I just feel exhausted.It seems like a lot of work for Jennifer Aniston to look like Jennifer Aniston. Love life: Heidi has been with the same douchebag her entire career. Are they both vapid, talentless assholes? Yes. But they’re together. Jennifer’s inability to keep someone in her life for more than three months has become a running joke in the media. Admitting you’re a joke: Heidi has embraced and, generally, accepted her occupation as a professional punchline. Jennifer, however, was so upset by the fact Perez Hilton called her “Maniston” she actually confronted him about it in person. Listen, I’m not exactly a Heidi Montag fan, but I’m wearing a Team Heidi shirt on this one. She appeared in the film, and deserved to walk that red carpet- in fact, it may be the only red carpet she deserved to walk on....

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Dubya Changes Plans After Threats of Arrest

George W. Bush cancelled a recent trip to Switzerland after Swiss human rights groups threatened to arrest him for war crimes. Switzerland’s negative stance on waterboarding, which Bush admitted to ordering, led to the threats when he was scheduled to speak in Switzerland at a Jewish charity event. My reactions are as follow: As a Jew, I can safely say we don’t want your ten gallon-hat wearing, word-slurring, squinting ass speaking on our behalf. Like… seriously. Thanks, but no thanks. I understand it was for charity- if you want to contribute, keep sending checks and stay far, far away from events. That would be true charity. That was all it took? Are you telling me, if enough Americans got off their couches, turned off Maury, and teamed up to threaten Bush while he was in a foreign country, he would have never fucking left? Out of fear? It wasn’t daddy, Skulls and Bones, or the New World Order preventing him from facing consequences for his actions- it was a lack of threats? Fuck that shit. Who has a time machine? Isn’t Switzerland supposed to be, you know, Switzerland? They’re notoriously neutral on everything. That’s their thing. I guess there’s an exception to every rule. Well played, Switzerland. Well played.   Click the images below to stalk contact the beautiful Malkatz, whose hair smells like...

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Lohan: “I’m Worried about Charlie Sheen”

According to TMZ, Lindsay Lohan has expressed concern for Charlie Sheen after his latest drug scandal. Charlie, I think I speak for everyone when I say, if Lindsay-fucking-Lohan is worried you’re doing too many drugs, it might be time to dial it down. That’s like Hitler walking up to someone and saying, “Hey, buddy, I get you’re not into equality, but don’t you think you’re being a little unfair?” But, seriously, Charlie… good luck in rehab. If Hollywood has taught me anything, this is the last anyone will ever hear of you doing...

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