Hi my name is Barney *CHOMP*

Get them while they’re young! It’s always been the goal of propaganda organizations to hit the kids while they’re still malleable and impressionable. Now I’m not saying that Barney the purple dinosaur secretly wears a swastika and shouts Seig Heil! at secret Hitler Youth Rallys; no it’s much worse than that; Barney is the vanguard of a reptilian invasion that wants earth and it’s tasty inhabitants compliant and easy to harvest. They hired a Hollywood agent and suddenly instead of BEM (Bug Eyed Monsters) film aliens started to be friendly little guys who pick flowers and want to phone home. The world is being taken over by Saturday morning cartoon shows and afternoon babysitter shows.

There are people who take this seriously. The bible warns us against serpents specifically and we all know that Jerry Falwell was completely serious when he attacked Tinky Winky for being a gay role model. I for one do not want to be eaten by reptilian aliens and plan to bunker up when they arrive with my dog and a lot of guns. I am however hoping that they do eat a lot of the cyberspace loonies that sit around thinking things like this up. Mike Royko of the Chicago Tribune actually called the company that produces Barney: the Lyons Group in Texas (It’s hot in Texas of course the lizard people would want to live there)

“A vice president for communications said: “A reptilian-alien propaganda tool? Well, I guess we have been found out at last.

“But, no, that’s obviously not true. Barney isn’t even a reptile.

“We have lived with the issue of what you might call Barney-bashing for years. Yes, we’re aware of it but we don’t take it too seriously, particularly what goes on on the Internet.

“Our audience is made up of very, very young children. Those are the people we care about. And children love Barney, period.

“What goes on on the Internet at 3 in the morning, we think it’s a sad commentary on society. Can’t those folks find something better to do with their time?”

After talking to him, I felt reassured that we are not going to be invaded by crawly creatures.

On the other hand, we talked on the phone. So how do I know he isn’t green and covered with slime?”

We all know that Johnny doesn’t read anymore anyway. He was a Halo Commander at the age of seven and he eats the Lich King for breakfast. What the hell is going on here? Grandma and Grandpop spent a fortune on those dam dinosaur books kids are supposed to love and he’s using them to prop up his Play Station. If he’d looked in the books he’d have found out that a lot of dinos were carnivorous, they weren’t purple with a set of flashing white human teeth. They sure as hell didn’t kill their prey with happy joy tunes and stupid dancing. Books are stupid lets sing about brushing our teeth with the purple dinosaur.

Nom Nom Nom Soylent Custard is tasty!

Don’t let the purple dinosaur babysit your kids. Look at the generation that was raised on Hanna-Barbera and Star Trek. We actually believe that a silly foam costume dinosaur is the vanguard of the V invasion. This while everyone knows Teletubbie Custard is actually Soylent Green.