In memorial to whatever happened to Acadia’s computer. Gotta stick with those Macs!
My friend Accounting Fan 2008 GOT YOU with the scoops!
LAST WEEK: Brendon was HOH. Regan and Britney tried to keep themselves and Matt safe. Britney will do WHATEVER to stick around. The self proclaimed super genius went up, while the horribly named Brigade turned on him. But just when they thought they had the answers, Matt went and changed the questions, using a rhinestoned glued plastic power to get himself off, get Kathy on and bounce her. Brittannnnay (however that’s spelled) wins HOH and we’re all up to speed.
Black and white recap of exactly what I said. Matt is the computer geek Scarface. Brendon says he’s offended at being called a dummy but he looks like he is gearing up for soap opera roles after this is over. Meow and Hayden Farmboy got swerved, because they sort of buried Matt on the way out. Here was Matt’s lesson: when you make everyone think you are going home, you really get to know people. Matt is evil, and you know he will slowly kill everyone. I bet he listens to bands like Converge or maybe something lighter. I bet he has a Morbid Angel CD collecting dust somewhere though.
Anyways, Regan is so happy he can cry and he is a hot tranny mess as him and Matt can finally take out Brendon. Such a long black and white recap this is; if they want to use black and white they could at least age the tape. Back to the show, everyone is pretty much good with Kathy going home, as now this game is made up of people…. people who want to win. Enzo says somethingsomethingmob movie reference and as the kids look at the picture fade to black Matt says a lamer version of the great line I had in the first paragraph.
WhOOOOOO Britney is the HOH!. She has all the power and she is holding up that necklace. Lane is so happy and really everyone is oddly okay with this (as Britney is making everyone think that they have deals with her). It’s like knowing someone is going to die and they do not. Enzo is furious in the bathroom, as he thinks that someone besides Brendon has to leave, and it “mays as wells be him yaknowwhatimsaying?” Regan and Britney tough love this; they see this as a rebirth, and SOMEONE’S GONNA PAY.
Cut to random bedroom, Matt tries to smooth over the fact that he knew he was never leaving to the Brigade while Hayden acts all fake and happy. Matt’s talking head dork-ishly predicts that they are less than real, so Matt will destroy them.
Who wants to see my HOH blah blah with Britney and her home picture is this creepy 14 year old cotillion picture that is very very disturbing. Lane is mad to be compared to Britney’s boyfriend and watch as Enzo is all “oooooooh lookit that!!!” at the pictures. Britney read her HOH letter from home; something about her mom being proud of her and how everyone is watching. That’s great for Britney, as she lives in a town with a population of 600-and-nothing, so everyone IS WATCHING THEIR OWN ON THE TALKING PICTURE BOX.
Cut to Enzo/Matt, and Enzo is trying to get out of this whole “tried to send you home” thing while Matt just placates and reassures him. Matt says his allegiance as his diary room video has him plotting the death of all. Cut (such bad cuts) to an outside meeting as Matt/Britney and Regan plot as Matt gleefully mentions that “hey, Enzo’s never been up” and suckers Britney into thinking hard about it. I said it before, but Matt is playing chess and everyone is playing checkers. It can’t be hard to convince these people to do anything and the geeky white Scarface is rolling everyone.
After the advert, we cut to the backyard as Enzo and Lane and Hayden workout and Lane is a hayseed so he has decided that he will lift every weight on the benchpress. This is your “kids hanging out” segment, which is really like CBS needs something to show to mainstream America and Lane is it. Lane is psyching himself up in a manner that suggests he played high school football (probably linebacker, maybe right tackle) in HIS small town, population 300-and-nothing. They speculate that the full weight on the benchpress right now is around 325. Hey if he lifts that I’m the last person to talk shit, so let’s see if he does. Lane does like 3.5/4 sets and he cuts a promo – “This is what the BEAST does”.
Night camera cut and Britney/Lane/Matt talk about dreams and Matt dreams of shirtless Hayden. In Matt’s dream, he gets evicted, goes home and Hayden is shirtless and living there. Lane’s mind is blown, because in Texas YOU NEVER ADMIT TO DREAMING ABOUT MEN. He is foreign to this Los Angeles world!!!
Britney is now in the HOH suite and Brendon’s in there. Brendon has been forgotten about but his DR interview makes him so entertaining. Just a GQ looking man in a purple V-neck shirt, totally vacant eyes, trying to talk with swagger while completely lost in a world of smarter people. Him and Rachel were perfect because she did the heavy lifting and Brendon just had to be there. Anyways, Brendon says that if you put him up, he will go to the Jury House and not forget about that. So he basically tells Britney “if you put me up, even I believe I have no chance.”
It’s the have/have not competition!! Britney is in a Little Bo Peep/cowgirl costume and somewhere Acadia is happy because the lone chick is in a hot uniform. The game is outlaw themed. It really doesn’t matter. It is some saloon looking set and I assume it means that they will eat horrible shit. Ok, here are the rules (they are convoluted and long):
The guys are divided 3 on 3. A team of three gets three shots. Two are fine, one is horrible. They cannot react though if it is horrible as the other team has to guess which one got the bad shot. They do this in rounds, whomever gets the most points doesn’t have to eat horrible combos of food. Whatever.
Matt/Lane/Ragan get the first shot, one is spoiled. They drink and everyone reacts like they got the bad one. Oh my god I notice that the three dumbest people in the house (Hayden/Brendon/Enzo) are on the other team, but Enzo guesses Matt as the correct choice. Team Dummy steps up to take their shot. The Meow Meow Mix gets ordered and Britney is the waitress for this. Hayden and Enzo decide to all do the same face and fail and Brendon had the bad shot, tying it up. Team Evil Hayseed Gay order the shot (beets/caviar/etc). Lane says something southern and Regan is all theater queen in his overselling. This is truly a game of stereotypes. Team dummy picks Regan because their dumb. Team dumb orders the Rachel shot and Regan LIGHTS UP Rachel in his DR interview. The Evil Hayseed Gays lose and it is still tied. They go up, get their shots and Regan is hilarious in his oversell. They even pick Regan AGAIN and lose. Team Dummy goes up, and Enzo spills some of his, thus allowing the Hayseed Evilgays to get that one right. The Dummies can’t lose this next round. Regan picks the shot named after him and he’s looking to close this out. The shot is hotdogs/ketchup/ranch and Hayden says HE CAN DO THAT BRO. Regan is so over the top, whimpering. WHIMPERING. Enzo’s trying to figure this out as the gears turn in his head. AND THEY LOSE. Seriously they guess Regan, it’s Matt like every time and when they guess Matt it’s Regan. Team Dummy is pissed, as they have to eat Broccoli and Bean Dip. Oh fuck that, broccoli is a healthy vegetable!
Back to the HOH room, Matt is back to working on getting Enzo up on the block. What I have realized is that Enzo is the old guy who doesn’t realize that he’s the old guy on the show. As I type this, Matt is literally telling Britney what to say in her nomination speech. We cut to ads.
During the ads (which are few and far between when you watch it on CBS.com!), Bobby Flay shills Hellman’s Mayonnaise. There is no way to make mayo healthy, no matter how you spin that.
Back to the show, another “kids hanging out” segment. Regan/Matt/Britney see a moth and freak out over said moth. Like comedically freak out. This also blows Lane’s mind. Cut to the next day, sunrise (that’s a good edit). The three remaining members of the Brigade meet by the pool. They don’t know where Matt’s thoughts lie, which is amazing as Matt is not even the HOh and they sweat him. Britney breaks this up to request a meeting. The Brigade wants Brendon and Matt and this is a battle of wills. They even give Britney a speech to say, thus making Britney the most useless HOH this season. Her and Matt now speak and this is turning into whomever talks to this girl last gets what they want.
And we’re heading into the home stretch as CBS recaps everyone who Britney has a deal with (which is everyone). Whomever goes up is pissed and betrayed. Blah blah ceremony and let’s cut to the chase – Britney puts up Brendon and Enzo – Matt’s evil plan works. Who will get the POV? Will this nominations stand? Will Acadia’s computer be repaired? WHO KNOWS JOIN US NEXT TIME!!
pssst: SHE FUCKED A GIRL WITH HER TONGUE, folks!!
…..so it can de done!!
I’m done objectifying women.