Look, I’m a little late posting this but I wasn’t late thinking it ok?
Blake Shelton is not the sexiest man alive. He’s not even the sexiest man on my block. If he was standing on my block right now I mean. I’m sure the whole “sexiest man alive” “contest” by People magazine is completely bogus nonsense anyway, but let’s pretend for a minute it’s a real thing that people put actual thought into. I mean, if it’s not, stop calling it that – and just call it “This Guy’s Agent Paid Us the Most” or “We Owe This Guy Something for Weird Reasons” or “Time Travelers Showed Up and Told Us If We Don’t Make This Guy Win This Arbitrary Contest The Terminator Will Happen”. Something, I don’t know. But if we’re going to pretend it’s an actual contest of sexiness, let me tell you a whole bunch of the places Blake is not the sexiest. (All of them are much smaller than the entire world, you’ll note.)
Blake Shelton would not be the sexiest man on my average daily commute on the train.
Blake Shelton would not be the sexiest man drunkenly stumbling around Southie at the St. Patrick’s Day parade.
Blake Shelton would not be the sexiest man standing outside The Today Show Studio.
Blake Shelton is definitely not the sexiest man on The Voice.
Blake Shelton would not be the sexiest man I’ve seen in concert (if I ever wanted to see him in concert, which I do not).
Blake Shelton would not be the sexiest man in line in a random grocery store in Vermont.
If I were dating him he would not be the sexiest man I am dating. If he was related to me he would not be the sexiest man in my family. If he worked in my office he would not be the sexiest man I’ve worked with. If he was my neighbor in my current condo building with only 6 units in it he would not be my sexiest neighbor.
Or maybe one of these, my two favorite tweets about this unfortunate turn of events can summarize for you.
You’re welcome. What places do you know about where Blake Shelton would not be the sexiest man? Be sure to let us know in the comments.
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He wouldn’t even be the sexist man in line at the soup kitchen for the homeless, that I walk by on the way to work everyday.
people without beards can be sexy you goddamned hipster doofus
There are several men without beards in this tale, friend.
I can’t help it, though, that several of the good looking ones have them.