I read the news today, oh boy. The Supreme Court ruled that California has too many prisoners and stuffing all those criminals in their hot hot jails is cruel and unusual punishment.  As a result, they are supposed to cut 30,000 people out of the prison system within two years.  They say they don’t have to “only” let criminals loose but I don’t see how they can avoid it.  It’s not like they can just make a bunch of crimes legal or execute people for minor offenses like Texas does.

So now it’s a good bet that the whole state will be filled with murderers and meth heads running free.  They’ll charge up and down the streets with their dicks out and shooting guns at people, hollering and getting welfare.  If you live in California you will probably die.  And if you don’t you will be soon be conquered by California’s criminal horde.  Unless people go with my prison reform idea!  I have been working on it for about three years and I believe I have the kinks worked out and it is ready for implementation.

Welcome to the USS jail, shitheads!

Yep – that’s right.  I am saying that we make a couple of old aircraft carriers giant floating jails.  I have a long list of reasons why, some of which I will now enumerate while you all think about sending me money to make this American Dream a reality.

  1. According to my research we have plenty of aircraft carriers, probably too many.  Our planes get better gas mileage now so we will be better off sending them from secret bases built into forests and the sides of mountains and making them fly way far before they get to their targets.  Will they run out of gas on the way back and crash?  I do not know.
  2. Planes are the size of approximately 500 people, which means that inside the aircraft carrier there will be plenty of room for prisoners.  Come to think of it, there are people on regular aircraft carriers, too.  That means we can count the planes as prisoners and the other sailor guys as guards.  And we probably won’t need that many guards so we can pack it even tighter.
  3. The big deck can be the exercise yard and also probably something else.  Maybe a runway for the planes that bring the prisoners.
  4. People who try to escape will only be able to jump off the side.  It’s like, as high as a building and the best they could do after that is drown.
  5. If they happen to have a boat to swim to, they would get blown up because the jail is an aircraft carrier.
  6. When someone gets sent to jail, they would have to fill out a form.  On the form would be the question: “Can you drive an aircraft carrier?”  Everyone who says yes goes to land jail.
  7. Since it is a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier, they will not have to come in for gas for 50 years.  They can fish for their food and the ocean is literally FULL of water so they are self-sufficient.
  8. In the unlikely event of a riot, the guards and the ship captain would lock themselves in that tower thingy on the top.  The prisoners can then run all around the aircraft carrier trying to wreck it.  They will fail because, again, it is an aircraft carrier.
  9. If some other country (China) tries to attack us they will have to get past our prisons to get to us which would be dangerous.  They could get shanked.
  10. Sailor suits make prisoners more docile, though it is reasonable to believe that the prison whores will be known as “Donald Ducks”.
  11. Visiting your loved one in jail would also be a cruise vacation.
  12. If they put one of them in the Bering Sea the prisoners could mock crab fishermen.
  13. It is virtually impossible to race land jails.
  14. Being the warden of my jail would mean you are the Wardmiral, which may be the most bad-ass thing anyone could be.
  15. Once the jail is 12 miles away from land, the Supreme Court overcrowding ruling would not apply, so California can just pack that thing ’til it sinks.  Or it becomes its own country (it’s possible).

The ending of the USS Shawshank Redemption would have been very different.

So, unless the prisoners take over the ship and become their own country or one lies on the “can you drive an aircraft carrier” question and drives the jail to South America, the odds are that The Golden State can sweep their criminal problem right under the giant blue rug of the ocean.  And, because I am a fair man, they would all get to drive to the jail in one of those cool Miami Vice boats.  Cause really, it is only fair considering that they are going to spend the rest of their lives on an aircraft carrier that smells like pee.

You’re welcome, California.