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Candy is Dandy but Likker is Quicker

It’s really a toss up whether trick or treating at the Dentist’s House or a Health Food Mom house was worse. At least the cheap bastard that forgot to get candy would usually pass out his pocket change if you banged on his door long enough but toothbrushes and boxes of raisins? My personal view on the whole razors in the apples thing is that some kid just went postal after getting a bushel of apples from some granola eating neighborhood. Then there’s those lollypops that look like tootsie pops and don’t have any tootsie in the center. No wonder they call them Dum Dum Pops.

Personally I have an amazing amount of disgust for Circus Peanuts. They’re orange and inedible, even the kids who will eat the wax bottles with the freaky goo in them won’t eat Circus Peanuts. You have to be an incredible freak to eat Circus Peanuts. This may be why some really incredibly hot women like them. When I see a hot girl that is munching on a Circus Peanut I sidle up. “Hey babe I got some Pixie Sticks want to get wild?.”  Girls do have it easy with the Halloween costume thing too. All you have to do is put “slutty” in front of anything and it’s a great costume. Just don’t carry around the three pound gummi worm, That will make you look a bit too slutty.

So what am I giving out this year? Well one of the huge Hershey Bars with Almonds. Any kid that’s enterprising enough to come down my driveway deserves a supersized bar. My second choice would be Dexter Blood Slides. I imagine the cops would get a few calls from helicopter parents if you actually passed them out to the kiddies though. I’d go with zit poppers if you’re wanting to actually please the kids. They’re disgusting. Kids love disgusting edible crap.

Needless Candy Trivia that will bore all the kids hyped up on sugar

The big five are Reeses, Snickers, M&M’s (both kinds),Kit Kats and Butterfingers. Ask a kid and it’s: ANYTHING FREE WITH SUGAR IN IT!

Oddly enough chocolates are not the number one kid favorite. They tend to like the sour candies. Gummy Eyeballs would have been on the list but no adults actually buy them to give out.

Did you know Baby Ruth’s were not named after Babe Ruth?  They’re named after Ruth Clevland who was a daughter of President Cleveland. Oddly enough though she was thirty when the Curtiss Candy Company came out with Baby Ruth’s so I’m betting they didn’t want Babe Ruth suing them.

The 3 Musketeers bar was introduced in 1932. There were originally three pieces of candy in one bar package, chocolate, vanilla and strawberry. The marketing gimmick was you could share it with three friends. They made it all chocolate in 1945. Undoubtedly because friendships were being broken over who got the crappy vanilla piece.

Bubble Gum Cigarettes and Chocolate Cigarettes are still sold. They’re trying to remove the smokers stigma by calling the chocolate ones Quality Sticks but it’s hard to disguise the Bubble Gum Cigarettes. When you blow on them a powder comes out looking like smoke.

I actually got Tic Tacs in my Halloween basket one year. How broke do you have to be to throw your package of Tic Tacs into a kids Halloween basket. Or does that translate as how drunk? I remember one Frat House at Syracuse that had nip bottles as their treats. Well they had nip bottles if you were a cute girl. Guys just got told to stop dressing up in queer costumes. I’d go down every year to watch the fights.

What happens when you trick or treat for nip bottles at a frat

The popularity of Wax Lips has declined in recent years. They’re oversized red lips made out of wax to be worn for “comic effect.” I remember there was at least one kid every year who tried to eat them.

Whirly Pops they’re “Tornadoes of swirling candy colors and flavors on a Stick” I have no idea why girls used to think these things were fashion accessories. I mean hey you didn’t wear a plaid skirt when you actually went to school so why are you wearing one now? If you did you’d never put the dam thing on again. You might lick a Whirly Pop provocatively at a party though. Maybe if you wore the Slutty Darth Vader costume when you did that………

I bet you thought I forgot about the Likker part. Make yourself a midnight martini

1 c brewed espresso, chilled
3/4 c vodka
1/2 c Paula’s Texas Orange (or another orange liqueur)
1/2 c Kahlua
1 cup ice
Sliced blood oranges

-place ice in a cocktail pitcher and pour espresso, vodka, orange liqueur, and Kahlua over it; stir to combine and continue stirring for several seconds to chill the mixture; pour into four martini glasses while straining out the ice, and garnish each with a slice of blood orange

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  1. Acadia

    WTF is a ‘nip bottle’?

  2. sangfroid

    Miniatures like you get on airplanes. In the old days it was a dram 1.25 ounces but now it’s usually 50 ml.

    • cardiogirl

      Hang on, I thought you were talking about those tiny wax bottles with liquid inside. You bit the top off and then tipped it upside down to drink what was inside.

      Remember those? They sucked. I was the kid who tried to eat the wax on those bottles *and* on the wax lips. I also attended public school, K through 12.

      • sangfroid

        The official name is Nik-L-Nips. Supposedly they cost a nickle which you used to “nip” off the top.I always thought that was a play on Nip Bottles with a naming prevarication like the Baby Ruth’s but apparently I’m the only one that still uses Nip Bottle for Miniature Bottle.

  3. Tershbango

    That is the nastiest gummy worm I’ve ever seen. *Shudders*

    • sangfroid

      I think they use the same mold for the double headed dildos that can be seen in most “lesbian” movies.

  4. Elle Diabla

    Um…I tried eating the waxed lips. But, I also made sure to savor them by taking tiny bites.

    …they actually did have a bit of a fruity flavor.

    • sangfroid

      I took a bite. They were very chewy.

  5. vange

    I really really want the Darth Vader costume. It would be the warmest I have ever been on Halloween!

    • sangfroid

      I so wish I was a rich philanthropist. I’d establish a foundation just for poor little girls without slutty costumes.

  6. White Cloud

    I want Halloween back before it was hijacked by the modern greedy boring candy companies……

    I can’t express in words my distaste and disgust for how mass marketing has destroyed the great personalized holidays….. I can’t even think of a funny comic relief statement to make my first statement light and airy like a three musketeer bar… (oh I just did).
    I really do.

    • sangfroid

      Halloween and Christmas have their own momentum now. They actually put out the Christmas decorations at Reny’s last week. I can’t believe that so much of the profit margin depends on people loosing common sense in December. Besides I want a red rider BB gun and my Mom isn’t going to get me one!

      • LeElohm

        You’ll shoot your eye out.

        • sangfroid

          Have another Midnight Martini Clay and put away the Giant Gummi Worm! You’re scaring the ladies.

  7. bluzdude

    I hate that I live in a neighborhood where no one trick-or-treats.

    • sangfroid

      I do seriously buy a big candy bar for the brave. If I got more than one trick or treat they’d have to have tic tacs.

  8. captain america

    ………….Candy Dulfer & friends?

  9. Elle Diabla

    I got so pissed when jerks would toss boxes of raisins at me!


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