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Cate Blanchett: What Gwyneth Aspires to Become

You could cut glass with those cheekbones, lordy.

I may well be the only one who thinks crazy thoughts (yeah, right) but when I look at Cate Blanchett, I think, “Oh, so that’s what Gwyneth’s going for.”  Cate strikes me as the real deal. She is genuinely classy and elegant. I believe her to be effortlessly gracious and charming. She has that frosty beauty and wonderful posture.

Gwyneth, on the other hand, seems like she is really trying too hard. She feels some weird need to pretend to be “normal”  while posting about $48593030294.99 shoes. She is oddly critical of lesser beings and she named her kid Apple. Wonder if she hopes to get in Steve Jobs’ will. BECAUSE APPLE NEEDS AN INHERITANCE.  Other things that bug me about GP:  She’s pointy where she shouldn’t be and flat in the roundy places. She annoys me.

I know. GP is an accomplished, critically acclaimed actress, blah de fucking blah. I’ve seen exactly two movies she was in: The Royal Tenenbaums and the first Iron Man. I admittedly loved the Royal Tenenbaums but it was in spite of her not because of her. Iron Man was meh. She didn’t seem like she was acting because I think she really is a frigid uptight boring secretary.

I’m pretty sure the only Cate Blanchett movie I’ve seen is the Dylan one, I’m Not There. She was fantastic. She wins and GP can suck it. Go lookit a bajillion pix of the lovely and talented Cate Blanchett.

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12 Comments

  1. sangfroid

    Gwinnie is going to turn into Blythe Danner. You can already see it happening.

    Reply
    • Acadia

      who?

      Reply
      • sangfroid

        Blythe Danner is Gwynthly’s Mummy. She was in Futureworld back when Telly Savalas was still alive. You can tell they’re robots if they don’t have fingerprints.

        Reply
        • vange

          I love that you spell her name in a differently wrong way each time.

          Reply
          • sangfroid

            It’s such a pretentious Hollywood name. The girl had no chance really.

  2. Bryan M. White

    “She’s pointy where she shouldn’t be and flat in the roundy places.”

    That’s great. I know exactly what you mean.

    Reply
    • Acadia

      vange works on jokes for six months at a time. thats why they are so good

      Reply
  3. Acadia

    Her website sucks so much I want to tie her boobs to an anchor and tie the anchor to a bull and tie the bull to a car and tie the car to a bus and tie the bus to a train and tie the train to a cruise ship and tie the cruise ship to a building and tie the building to a rocket ship and blast the whole thing to Jupiter.

    I will need rope donations.

    Does Cate Bleachface have a website?

    Reply
  4. bluzdude

    Gwynneth doesn’t annoy me, but Cate is clearly the winner there. Plus, she doesn’t have to affect her British accent.

    Reply
    • Acadia

      who is British? I don’t know ANYTHING

      Reply
      • vange

        Cate is actually Australian. GP adopted a pretentious Brit accent but is American.

        Reply
  5. Patrick

    Galadriel wins hands down.. Gwenie is meh

    Reply

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