Business Insider made some rules for being a man. I am genuinely interested in your thoughts on these. And on the simpler list from Playboy that follows it. And on how I can get some fancy club in Las Vegas so I can have Charlotte McKinney be at the grand opening like Steve Wynn did at the Encore Players Club this week. Gosh she’s pretty. Oh, and I tried to think if I have any rules I live by and it turned out I did. There aren’t many.
- Work to eliminate your job. It is the only way to advance.
- Money going into someone else’s pocket is not coming out of yours.
- If your boss tells you that she cannot afford to give you a raise, ask if the company is doing ok or if you should be worried.
- Your socks match your pants and your belt matches your shoes.
- (From Larry Miller) If you ask someone a question and they pretend they didn’t hear you, they’re thinking of a lie.
- Happy couples have an acceptable balance of love and the practical things.
- Don’t show your toes in public unless you are swimming.
- Power is never given. It is only taken.
- (From my old co-manager, Laura) Blood makes people believe you.
Business Insider Man Rules:
- Stop talking about where you went to college.
- Always carry cash. Keep some in your front pocket.
- Rebel from business casual. Burn your khakis and wear a suit or jeans.
- It’s okay to trade the possibility of your 80s and 90s for more guaranteed fun in your 20s and 30s.
- The best public restrooms are in hotels.
- Never stay out after midnight three nights in a row… Unless something really good comes up on the third night.
- Play competitive sports for as long as you can.
- Never date an ex of your friend.
- If riding the bus doesn’t incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will.
- Time is too short to do your own laundry.
- When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.
- If you perspire, wear a damn undershirt.
- You don’t have to like baseball, but you should understand the concept of what a pitcher’s ERA means. Approach life similarly.
- When people don’t invite you to a party, you really shouldn’t go. And sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go.
- People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy.
- When in doubt, always kiss the girl.
- Tip more than you should.
- You probably use your cell phone too often and at the wrong moments.
- Buy expensive sunglasses.
- Do 50 push-ups, sit-ups, and dips before you shower each morning.
- Eat brunch with friends at least every other weekend. Leave Rusty and Junior at home.
- Be a regular at more than one bar.
- Act like you’ve been there before.
- Laugh more.
- A glass of wine or two with lunch will not ruin your day.
- It’s better if old men cut your hair.
- Learn how to fly-fish.
- No selfies. Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of a beautifulwoman.
- Own a handcrafted shotgun. It’s a beautiful thing.
- There’s always another level. Just be content knowing that you are still better off than most who have ever lived.
- You can get away with a lot more if you’re the one buying the drinks.
- Ask for a salad instead of fries.
- Don’t split a check.
- Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them.
- Cobblers will save your shoes. So will shoe trees.
- When a bartender buys you a round, tip double.
- The cliche is that having money is about not wasting time. But in reality, money is about facilitating spontaneity.
- Be spontaneous.
- Find a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets. She exists.
- Do not use an electric razor.
- Desserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours.
- Buy a tuxedo before you are thirty. Stay that size.
- One girlfriend at a time is probably enough.
- Your ties should be rolled and placed in a sectioned tie drawer.
- Throw parties. But have someone else clean up the next day.
- You may only request one song from the DJ.
- Measure yourself only against your previous self.
- Take more pictures. With a camera.
- Place-dropping is worse than-name dropping.
- When you admire the work of artists or writers, tell them. And spend money to acquire their work.
- Your clothes do not match. They go together.
- Yes, of course you have to buy her dinner.
- Staying angry is a waste of energy.
- Revenge can be a good way of getting over anger.
- If she expects the person you are 20% of the time, 100% of the time, then she doesn’t want you.
- Always bring a bottle of something to the party.
- Avoid that “last” whiskey. You’ve probably had enough.
- Don’t use the word “closure” or ever expect it in real life.
- If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid loud clubs.
- Drink outdoors. And during the day. And sometimes by yourself.
- Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised.
- If it’s got velvet ropes and lines, walk away unless you know someone.
- You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back.
- Feigning unpretentiousness is worse than being pretentious.
- The New Yorker is not high-brow. Neither is The Economist.
- If you believe in evolution, you should know something about how it works.
- No-one cares if you are offended, so stop it.
- Never take an ex back. She tried to do better and is settling with you.
- Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can sit at the bar.
- Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain.
- Ignore the boos. They usually come from the cheap seats.
- Hookers aren’t cool, but remember, the free ones are a lot more expensive.
- Don’t ever say, “it is what it is.”
- Give thoughtful gifts.
- Don’t gamble if losing is going to piss you off.
- Life is short. Wait for a good pitch to hit
- Remember: “Rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men”
Here are the Playboy ones.
That’s a lot to remember, glad I’m not a dude
Goddamn, it is impossible for those types of lists to not sound douchey, isn’t it.
Here are the rules: I am a man. I do whatever the fuck I want.
I like Roger’s list best.
Business Insider is not my real mom. I had 50 dips without the situps. Into some nacho cheese before showering.
Also, what’s with all the square foobs?
She’s saying they’re fake, dude. Yeesh.
They’re not, though.
You may be relieved to learn that I object to less of this than you expect, because I recognize that it’s not supposed to be taken seriously, but just sort of a funny set of guidelines trying to make various points. (Please, if someone is taking these lists seriously, stop reading all lists. I’m concerned about what you might do.)
My only real objections are as follow, in reverse order:
1. The grocery rule seems to be one basically all men subscribe to but I don’t understand it. Just make more than one trip, dummies. Nobody’s impressed.
2. Also, pls, you can share an umbrella. But umbrellas are garbage so you should really just get good rain gear and then wear it.
Business Insider Man Rules:
1. Is the always carry cash rule just supposed to be a handy guide to life as an adult? Or to impress ladies? Because I literally don’t give a shit about that, but it’s probably smart for all human adults to have a little cash on hand. (See also I don’t want your money, guys.)
2. Improving your station in life doesn’t necessarily mean moving to the burbs and buying a car so you don’t have to ride the bus. Riding the bus might mean you’re a cool city kid and not a douche who buys an SUV and then whines about how there’s no parking in your congested city.
3. The laundry thing is stupid AF. Do your own laundry you douchebags. Or, you know, throw your money down the toilet. Whatevs.
4. The shotgun? No. IDC if you have one but it’s not a “rule”.
5. Splitting checks is fine.
6. This is the biggest: “Pretty women who are unaccompanies want you to talk to them” is patently false. That doesn’t mean they never do, it just means if they aren’t interested, try not to let your fragile man ego be hurt because this list told you it’s a “rule”, and don’t turn into an epic a$$hole.
7. “Desserts are for women.” Pls, desserts are for everyone. I don’t even understand this one.
8. This is a big one too: “Buy a tuxedo before you are thirty. Stay that size.” Guys, you don’t have to keep your 20-something body, that’s as rude as telling women to do it. You should take care of yourself and not do crazy unhealthy things, but it’s OK to not be young forever.
9. I like hashtags and always think they are funny, especially when overused. Go figure. #hashtagfangirl
10. You have to buy her dinner as long as she also buys you dinner.
11. I literally have no idea what this means: “Hookers aren’t cool, but remember, the free ones are a lot more expensive.” The free hookers? Do they know what “hooker” means?
I object to none of these. I know, this is kind of astounding. I don’t think this is your complete rule list.
If you never carry cash, there are a lot of people you can’t tip (Maitre d, valet, coffee shop kid, etc.). And therefore you end up looking bad.
Also, I would ride the subway all day. But the bus generally sucks.
Given the number of rules they have around booze, clearly I don’t drink often enough to be manly (a regular at two different bars? Really?).
Yeah so adults in general should carry cash. I’m just questioning whether it’s a “man rule” or just an “adult human” rule. Also I have tipped all of those people exactly zero times. Because I don’t use any of them.
LOL re: booze rules.
The rules on beer are STUPID.
LOL. Rules. My rules begin and end with “Try not to soil yourself.” And I can say with pride and honesty that I only break that rule once or twice a week.
Good work. I salute you.