According to Page Six, future Oscar AND Nobel prize winner Charlotte McKinney finally dumped Hollywood doofus Stephen Dorff.  I didn’t finish reading the article because I had to get started right away packing the van I just stole with Funyuns so I can drive to Canada just in case Charlotte needs me in this tender time.

I know she is in Canada because we are friends on Snapchat.  Or I follow her on Snapchat.  We both have Snapchat.  And she is there, working on something, or maybe fishing, and I bet she is realizing that having Stephen Dorff as her boyfriend was not helping her in any way.  All it did was make it seem like she was C team after killing herself for a year to get to the B team.  So now she has the Baywatch movie coming up and if she plays her cards right she can do some work for the site and I will give her a ride back from Canada in the van.

And I would share my Funyuns.  That’s how much I care about her.  Funyun level.