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Chocolate Calculator (it works)

mmmmm....poop colored treats.

mmmmm....poop colored treats.

Ok – so I think this works, so don’t scroll down and cheat.  Cheaters.

  1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10).
  2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
  3. Add 5
  4. Multiply it by 50 — I’ll wait while you get the calculator
  5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759.  If you haven’t, add 1758.
  6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are:

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)


About The Author

Acadia Einstein

I'm the funny one. And the handsome one. And I pay for everything.


  1. vettech

    Cool post, I guess… but now I just wish I had saved that half of a chocolate bunny I tossed out after Easter.

  2. vettech

    It worked…but can someone explain how it worked? Magic!?

  3. Joelle

    I’m craving pizza.

  4. vange

    It’s just math, guys.

  5. vange

    Good pizza, though? Now THAT’S magic!!

  6. Maitland

    who the hell gives a shit about math. it’s not math, it is fuckin’ MAGIC.

  7. Kenny

    It said that I was two. I checked a few times and I did it right. I haven’t been two in a really long time. This is nothing but a ploy by the candy people to keep me fat. I have always been grateful to the candy people for their assistance with keeping my shape on the rounder side, but I have never really needed their help so I’M NOT BUYIN’!

  8. vange

    Here’s how it works:

    Suppose you pick a number between 1 and 9 (more than 1 and less than 10). To keep things general (and see why the “trick” works), I’ll call this number x. Following the numbered instructions, we get…

    1. x
    2. 2x
    3. 2x + 5
    4. 50(2x + 5) = 100x + 250
    5. 100x + 250 +1759 = 100x + 2009 OR 100x + 250 + 1758 = 100x + 2008
    (See why the “trick” works? It forces you to 2008 or 2009, depending on your birthday.)
    6. If you subtract the four-digit year of your birthday, what you get is…
    100x + (2009 – birth year) OR 100x + (2008 – birth year)
    …but the stuff in parentheses is just how you calculate your age (current year minus birth year). The multiplication by 100 (really by 2 and then by 50) forces the single-digit number you chose into the third position (the “hundreds place”).

    There are two caveats here. First, it will only work (as written) if your age is a two-digit number. So, if you’re an old woman (100+) who likes chocolate, you’re out of luck. Second, the claim that this is the only year it will work is a little silly. It will only work AS WRITTEN in 2009, but it’s easy to see how we could change the rules so it works in future years. You get some parameters (the numbers we multiplied by and added) to play with. In 2010, use 1760/1759…in 2011, use 1761/1760…etc. You could also manipulate the values to accommodate older folks, but the number of centenarians reading this sort of email is likely quite small.

    You’re all welcome.


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