“The ghetto witchdoctor superstar chef is here to make you forget about every cooking show you’ve ever heard.” And so begins the first episode of Cookin’ with Coolio. I guess you can find this online. I pulled up My Damn Channel off the Roku and found Cookin’ with Coolio, the Ghetto Gourmet, too enticing to resist.

He begins with caprese, which is one of the most delicious things I have ever put in my mouth. It is also such a simple dish, one doesn’t really need a recipe and certainly not some rap guy to tell us how to make it.  It opens with Coolio arguing with his producer or director or someone. He says he’s gonna teach my ass how to cook. If my chick is a salad eatin’ bitch he gonna show me how to cook to get her panties right off. He proves he can slice a tomato; he likes it thin. He liberally tosses sliced raw white onion on top of the sliced tomato and hollers, “Look good, taste good, smell good, IS GOOD, shackazulu!” He believes caprese is red, white, and green like the Mexican flag. I’m sure this is based on caprese being such a beloved Mexican dish. The best of his lines below:


“That taste better’n yo mama tittie.”

“LIBERALLY! Sprinkle it LIBERALLY, asshole!”

“You want all dem flavors to COAGULATE in yo mouf.”


In his second episode, he kidnaps a college kid to teach to cook. Oh gawd, what is this and WHY.