Crazy Eddie’s Celestial Real Estate Brokers

Categories:LOLZ
Sangfroid

Christine Aguilera getting ready to buy property in the Lunar Alps.

I’m trying to figure how much to invest in Lunar real estate. My friend, Paddy, and I have this idea for a really hip moonbase but we’ve got to find just the right spot for the nightclub or it’s just not going to work. See there’s already different neighborhoods and some are more exclusive than others. I was all for the oceanfront property at the Sea of Vapors for $18.95 per acre but then again the properties at the Lunar Alps are going for $31.25 per acre making me think we should go for the Snowbunny crowd. Paddy was saying something about the scarcity of water on the moon meaning that there are no seas to lounge in front of or snow for the 17% Earth normal gravity skiing. He’s just grumpy because he wants to set up on Mars and I found this really good deal first.

Walmart is already everywhere!

These deeds have no legal standing. If you think they do I’ve got a Ranch along Route 66 I want to sell you too. As far back as the 1890’s people have been trying to do the old land grab on extraterrestrial property but the “Outer Space Treaty” ratified by the UN in 1967 has put an end to a lot of those plans. I have a notarized document claiming all extraterrestrial objects just in case the UN goes out of business. Only 13 states have validated the international Moon Treaty and the only one with any kind of space capability is Kazakhstan which is where the Baikonur Cosmodrome is located. In addition Dean Hope, the self proclaimed Head Cheese of the Moon claims to have found a loophole.

Just ask the Indians, treaties are so much toilet paper to big governments. Look at the crazy things they’re doing out at Antarctica to establish sovereignty just in case something good is found under the snow. Russia’s Bellinghausen station has a capacity of fifty people but houses one scientist and they recently imported prefabricated Russian Orthodox church. The Chinese not to be outdone had a “dove of peace” ritual at the opening of their Chang Cheng station. All the doves of course immediately froze to death. The Polish government grows flowers to prove agriculture but for some reason decided that guests are not allowed to have any.

The Moon Club. Opening Soon

Most countries have laws to prevent the wanton claiming of new lands. Simple claims are not enough you have to prove “intent to occupy.” This will lead to onion domes and vacuum desiccated doves on the moon soon enough but for now we have to content ourselves with these novelty deeds. Well that is if you’re not a lawyer or a politician. Empty space is a different issue entirely. We’ve already had one quiet nasty little dispute that nobody ever heard about. Some of the equatorial countries tried to claim sovereignty over geosynchronous orbits over their nations in the Bogotá Declaration. Fortunately our lawyers are better their lawyers and they didn’t have the capability to shoot down the satellite your cell phone is using to order Chinese for dinner.

So if you have a cage of doves and a prefabricated church you’re planning to ship to the moon these are the places to go to:

The Lunar Embassy, Dennis Hope found a loophole and declared himself the Head Cheese of the Moon and has made over nine million dollars selling the moon by the acre. You get a copy of the Lunar Constitution along with a deed for your $22.49 but no choice in location

Lunar International, You can buy up to five acres here in various locations for $18.75 to $37.50 you get a satellite photo of your property and geographic coordinates.

The Lunar Republic, This is a society dedicated to establishing a human presence on the moon through private enterprise. You can purchase select properties in several areas for $18.95 to $31.25. Along with the deed and satellite photo you get a brochure detailing attractions in the area.

*disclaimer Majestic 12 may already be selling Bleeztares on Earth. I hear for a mere 20 kronblats you can buy a Bleeztare in Chicago.

A video of Neil Armstrong trespassing on my property.

Author:
Sangfroid's unabashed use of punctuation and grammar has made him a literary standout on the internet. A rising star in the urban/romance/horror/science fiction/Nancy Drew fiction market, Sangfroid is the talk of the local McDonald's. His dog actually ate the first page of his magnum opus "That Foggy Night" and compared it to other great works like the weekly circular for its absorbent qualities.

2 Comments

  1. captain america
    captain americaReply
    September 10, 2010 at 9:50 am

    lying to people is her profession.
    ………..SO WOULD YOU BY A USED CAR FROM HER?

  2. Patrick
    September 10, 2010 at 11:36 am

    Awesome! I say we stake a claim and any lily livered egg suckin varmit that tries to jump it will get a real nasty laser burn. Thars gold in them there hills.

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