I know it is Memorial Day weekend, so you might have some plans. Cookouts, some charming local festival, maybe a trip to Costco. But what if it’s raining? What if you have the Swine Flu or a broken leg? What if that leopard that has been in your driveway and who also somehow cut your phone lines just won’t leave? Well, that means you are stuck in the house and you get to watch a shit ton of TV.
And cable TV is there for you by running tons and tons of marathons. Get sucked in right at the beginning, and then realize that you have not moved for 14 hours cause you just had to find out what happened. Interesting Pile did all the work for me figuring out what marathons were on, but he didn’t write up descriptions of the shows like I am. Even if I have no idea what the show is about. And no, I am not going to look them up. I don’t have time for that. I need to hurry up and pump this thing out so I can get some waffles. Solemn memory of our fallen soldiers waffles.
Saturday May 23rd, 2009
- BET: One On One – what happens when you get two non black people together in a room and make them fight to the death with stupid weapons like thawed pork loins and mandolins? Only the bloodiest fights on TV! Good thing for us that the B doesn’t stand for Boring!
- Bravo: America’s Next Top Model – I watched this show. They always get rid of the one I like early on (the only acceptable tits on that show are Tyra’s) but I still watch cause it is good practice for me in case I get shot with a ray gun that makes me gay.
- Discovery: Deadliest Catch – I think the deadliest thing you could catch would be ebola, but this is about fishing for crab. How come some boats have really easy sorting tables and other make the poor deckhands drag those plastic tubs all over the place? Have they not figured out the optimal way to do this yet? Also – why don’t they put the TV camera down there and LOOK to see if there are any crabs around? Dumb asses.
- History Channel: Band Of Brothers – against the backdrop of World War Two, a struggling jazz combo family tries to get gigs and kill the Nazi’s at the same time. In hour nineteen, watch for the bazooka hidden in the bass!
- National Geographic: Taboo – This better be about people doin’ it with their hot mom’s and sisters and cousins. I think that’s the only thing that is still taboo, right?
- Spike: Deadliest Warrior – Watch as Spike combs the globe to find the people who have killed the most people in their country so they can have a big tournament. Then watch as the cops from those countries promptly arrest them right after the fight.
- Style: Clean House – The less popular follow up to: “Filthy House”. I liked Filthy House. It made me feel better that I have my own underwear stuck to my coffee maker. Clean House does not make me feel better about myself at all.
- TLC: Jon & Kate Plus 8 – fuck these idiots. Why don’t they just make a frigging show called: “Goin’ to the store!”
- TruTV: Masterminds – Watch as they punish the Slaveminds for trying to escape!
- USA: NCIS – No Chance in Salem is about a group of actual witches in 17th Century Massachusetts. Can they stay one step ahead of the Puritans and still keep their cauldron bubbling?
Sunday and Monday after the jump!
Sunday May 24th, 2009
- Cartoon Network: Total Drama Island – can we have ONE show on a fucking isthmus? One?
- Discovery: Deadliest Catch – On day two…the same frigging thing as day one. Drop the pots. Pull the pots. Have a storm. Be sad if someone dies. Continually say: “big number” straight hours!
- Spike: Ultimate Fighter – They should have scrapped Saturday and combined the two shows so we could have had two days of The Ultimate Warrior saying crazy shit.
- TLC: Jon & Kate Plus 8 – My pitch to the producers: Jon and Kate and Then There Were 7 murder mystery was snubbed. Douches.
- TruTV: The Smoking Gun Presents: World’s Dumbest – Episode 9, World’s Dumbest 5th Graders is just mean.
- TV One: A Man Called Hawk – His enemy constantly reminds him that his name rhymes with cock.
- USA: House – Just so you know, it is the William Katt horror movie. Not the stupid TV show.
Memorial Day: Monday May 25th, 2009
- A&E: Intervention – Someone call me if they do one about someone with a scheiss porn addiction. The other addictions don’t do it for me anymore.
- Animal Planet: Planet Earth – Whenever there is a show about my planet I alwasy watch to see if I am in it.
- BET: The Game – I will probably watch this. Most games are racist. You see any black people in Monopoly?
- Cartoon Network: Total Drama Island – can we have ONE show on a fucking isthmus? One? (Hey, if they can repeat the show, I can repeat the joke.)
- Discovery: Deadliest Catch – OMG just sink already. Your job is to create tantalizing specials for Red Fucking Lobster.
- Discovery Health: Trauma: Life in the ER – I would say that trauma is the opposite of health. I think the network needs to get it’s shit together.
- Disney: Phineas and Ferb – Whatever this is, they would be better off running a marathon of the Shazam / Isis hour. Or Laffalympics.
- Food Network: Grill It! With Bobby Flay – Fuck It! With Bobby Flay! Bobby Flay is a prick. One time I was in NY and he was waiting for a cab and I saw him spit a huge loogie into a baby carriage. Fake story.
- History: MonsterQuest – I have been keeping tabs on this series. So far, they are 0 for the series in finding ay goddamn monsters. May as well call it: Inconclusive Evidence!
- MSNBC: Lockup – I like to make shivs while watching this. I have a lot of shivs. Don’t fucking mess with me.
- Sci-Fi: Land Of The Lost – I am thinking that if you remember this show when you were a kid and liked it, you should not watch it, cause it won’t be like you remembered.
- Spike: CSI: NY – Mariska Hargitay and Keller > Lt. Dan and Melinda Kracknees or whatever her name is.
- TLC: Jon & Kate Plus 8 – Ugh. How many of these can there be?
- TNT: Bones – this should be good. Oh, wait. I thought it said: Boners. Forget it. This will suck.
- TruTV: Rehab – they should only use the people from Intervention. Cross Over Gold!
- TV One: Sanford and Son – “Esther, you’re so ugly you could stick your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies.”
- USA: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit – According to SVU statistics, if you live in NYC, you have a 97% chance of becoming a sex slave.
- Versus: World Extreme Cagefighting – Compared to normal Cagefighting, this is extreme!