So my friend Bangs was yelling at me for not watching Michael Phelps win all the medals last night and it WAS a cool story and yay for him but I am still meh.


It feels so unAmerican to not go all ape balls about us winning things.  And I am genuinely overwhelmed by how much work these folks put into their sports.  And seeing the stories of people who really did win just by showing up (you know, like the people who like, came from a country made of rocks and tears) is really inspiring.  But I am still meh about the whole thing.  WHY?

United States' gymnast Kerri Strug waves to the spectators during the Gymnastics Gala at the Centennial Summer Olympics Games in Atlanta, Tuesday, July 30, 1996. (AP Photo/Lynne Sladky)


What snuffed my flame?  Why don’t I care?  Is it political?  Is it because Suicide Squad got such bad reviews?  Is it because I really want to watch Charlotte McKinney play beach volleyball but I also don’t because I have some weird feeling she would suck at it?

Nope.  I think it is because it is too frigging hot and all the summer sports stink.  At least when compared to the winter ones.  Summer is too complicated.  Why should the surface you do something on matter, unless it is a trampoline or lava?  Why beach volleyball AND regular volleyball?  Why do tennis players play on grass and…tar? and clay?  Why can’t they just play on one?  Or if they can’t why not add wood?

Summer should just have water, dirt, wood and grass.  Just like they had in olden times.  You want to have a track meet?  Run on one of those four things.  You want to box?  Just go out in the dirt and have at it.  Fencing?  Go into the woods and hide behind trees and stuff,  Hard to film but awesome to watch.

I can’t think of any sport that would not be covered by those four surfaces.  And you know what?  Even if the grass eventually got worn down to dirt by the end, it is still natural.  Oh…so sorry, track guys.  Did the little gymnasts ruin your track by breaking their legs on it for a week before you got there?  Tough!

In winter you have two choices no matter what sport you do:  snow or ice.  In fact, other than stuff like kayaking and swimming, all the summer sports could be done in the winter.  Sure, the times would be slower, but tell me watching Judo would not be awesome if they were fighting in a snowbank.  And it would not be all hot and sweaty, either.  Hmm.  This has potential to me.  I would even let people keep field hockey in addition to regular hockey.  They would just have to play it on ice.  This is the best idea I ever had.

I dare you to come up with a flaw in anything I just said.  I DARE YOU!