Fiona Apple.  She was so bad.  Smoking cigarettes.  Being really skinny.  Humping a bunch of 90’s looking people in some basement.  The video for this song was sort of what “That 70’s Show” would have been if it had been “That 90’s Show”.  Sort of makes me wonder how the world is working now since the people in this video are all in the late 30’s, early 40’s now.  They prolly have jobs and kids and herpes and all sorts of other happy reminders of what criminals they were.

Did you know that when you take ecstasy it makes your brain flood with dopamine?  That’s what makes you feel so good.  But what all the self-involved dip-shits didn’t know when they were taking it while listening to Fiona Apple was that the human body only creates a certain amount of dopamine and it’s supposed to last you your whole life.  So Fiona and all her friends might have thought it was a great idea to get all zonked out and roll around some weird house but they were wrong.  Not right away, and not even in 20 years.  But let’s say…when they are 60.  I don’t know what year that will be because I’m not some sort of Calendar Wizard but I think we will know when it is by the high numbers of ex-hipsters killing themselves because they are so sad.

Will the mass, dopamine-shortage-driven suicides of 90’s narcissists be caused directly by Fiona Apple and her song “Criminal”?  I don’t know for sure.  But I can say without any reservations that the odds are 50 / 50 that it’s her fault.  Video and lyrics and some dude’s foot in her mouth after the jump!

Fiona Apple – Criminal

I’ve been a bad, bad girl
I’ve been careless with a delicate man
And it’s a sad, sad world
When a girl will break a boy just because she can

Don’t you tell me to deny it
I’ve done wrong and I want to suffer for my sins
I’ve come to you ’cause I need guidance to be true
And I just don’t know where I can begin

What I need is a good defense
‘Cause I’m feeling like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I’ve sinned against
Because he’s all I ever knew of love

Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done
I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand
But I keep living this day like the next will never come

Oh help me but don’t tell me to deny it
I’ve got to cleanse myself of all these lies ’till I’m good enough for him
I’ve got a lot to lose and I’m bettin’ high so I’m begging you
Before it ends just tell me where to begin

What I need is a good defense
‘Cause I’m feeling like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I’ve sinned against
Because he’s all I ever knew of love

Let me know the way
Before there’s hell to pay
Give me room to lay the law and let me go
I’ve got to make a play
To make my lover stay
So what would an angel say, the devil wants to know

What I need is a good defense
Cause I’m feelin’ like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I’ve sinned against
Because he’s all I ever knew of love

What I need is a good defense
‘Cause I’m feeling like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I’ve sinned against
Because he’s all I ever knew of looooooooooooooooooooooooooove
Yeah yeah yeah uhh uhh uhhhhhh…

Hey hey hey haaayyyyyyyyyyyyy yeahhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhh hiyee ehhh…