If I were my own enemy I would fight myself to a draw.  I have to imagine that everyone would.  Unless you have alien hand.  That’s when one of your hands does whatever it wants no matter what your stupid brain says.  It might grab a cup.  Might grope a fellow on the bus.  Or it might smash you right in your no good mug.  Imagine punching yourself without some bigger kid holding your wrist and continually asking you why you are doing it.  That would really suck.

Alien hand seems like it would only be handy if it decided to “become intimate” with you.  Then you could pretend that it is anyone you want since you aren’t in charge of it.  Maybe Sarah Michelle Gellar.  Or Joe Biden.  Anyone is better than yourself!  The only way you can possibly do that without having alien hand is if you sit on your hand until it falls asleep and then take care of business (known as “The Stranger”).  Or if you got a note from a doctor saying that you had alien hand.  Then it would be the greatest thing in the world.

I’m really sorry Vice President Biden.  It’s my alien hand.  Your Secret Service detail really gives you a lot of latitude, huh?  You aren’t even going to back away?  Just letting it rip, huh?  My hand might not stay this way, you know.  And if it wakes up before the…end…I am out of here.  No, my legs work fine, why?

Friday Nineties:  Your source for Joe Biden fan fiction!  *washes alien hand*