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Gambling is not a sin

Gambling is not a sin.  I checked a bunch of books and I can’t find it anywhere.  So I don’t know why you can’t just do it wherever you want.  There is a place that opened near my office and it frankly scares the crap out of me.  The sign just says “GAMBLING!” and under that it says “FREE INTERNET”!  I don’t know what those things have to do with each other but the windows of the place are all blacked out so I’m not going to go in and find out.  I keep thinking that it’s going to be like, three ladies reading epicurious while some sweaty weirdos play Russian Roulette.

So since I can’t go there and the Indian casino is like, 500 miles away and I don’t want to go to Vegas I may have to gamble on the Internet.  Casino games <— (this is where I went) online seem scary to me and I just automatically assume that if I put my credit card in there that two goons will show up at my house and immediately take all my s*** and I will have to live with a barrel for clothes.

Then again I do have a gallery credit card (hint, the number has a 5 in it) so what if I did try it?  I mean, honestly, I could probably just cancel the card if something weird happened. So after the jump I will break down the games and figure out how to get rich!

OK, so based on that site, these are the games and which ones I will play.

  • Online Slots – I cannot imagine something that would seem more rigged.  Also if the coins didn’t come out of the CD drive it would suck.
  • Online Blackjack – this is in bold because this is the one I will probably play.  There is a chart.  I can read charts.
  • Online Roulette – I think regular roulette is rigged so no way on this one.
  • Online Video Poker – One time I was waiting for my friend in Vegas and there was a video poker machine in the casino outside the elevator (big surprise) and I spent like, $200.00 before I figured out how to play.  I should have known.  Stupid Nintendo-looking thing.
  • Online Pai Gow – Sounds weird.  Probably because I’m racist?  I dunno.
  • Online Craps – Craps is the most fun game in the casino.  Everyone gathering around the table yelling.  Hot girl blowing on dice.  Meh.
  • Online Keno – Keno is stupid.
  • Online Baccarat – I’m not James Bond.  I’m the guy he’s afraid of.
  • Caribbean Stud – Nah, I’m from Maine.

So blackjack it is.  I’ll report later when I’m ruined.

About The Author

Acadia Einstein

I'm the funny one. And the handsome one. And I pay for everything.


  1. sangfroid

    pachinko, you should play online pachinko.

  2. Patrick

    I tried online poker, got bored with the numskulls trolling the place. I mean really, they served whine with cheese and it was all so boring. Did I lose my shirt? Nope, but really, without the cigar smoke, the stench of sweaty old men mingling with the cheap perfume from a waitress with a years supply of makeup on her face coupled.. coupled? bad choice of words.. but I am too tired to think of another word, so live with it, the slight urine smell coming from the poor drunk sitting next to you who has drank from the bottom of the well for two days straight and has not left his chair.. Not the same.

  3. Sheila

    I’m curious about the outcome of your online gambling adventure! I agree with Patrick on playing poker online. It bored me, too.


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