This post is set to go up immediately at 6:00:01pm the night of the Indiana Primary. Which means, allow us to be the first “media” outlet to call the Indiana Primary for Donald Trump. Congratulations, President Trump. If somehow Cruz wins, we’re OK with this as our Dewey Defeats Truman, moment. However, it won’t happen. Cruz is dead on arrival. He claimed today that Trump once talked about having a venereal disease. His campaign is over.
So, now, it’s on to the general election. Spoiler Alert: Donald Trump is our next President.
Another spoiler? You might sit around wondering how you can make some cash from your buddies on the impending Trump Presidency. While we love gambling oddsmakers, they’re a little bit asleep at the wheel on this one. So, we’re not waiting for Vegas. We’re setting Trump Presidential odds right now for you to sit around and wager on while downing that 24 pack of Busch Light.
Trump Power Plays
Guess what, suckers, the tables, they’ve turned. Trump is the one with all the power now, and you can expect some folks will feel the full force of Trump’s mocking.
– 5/1 – Odds that Trump brings Carly Fiorina to Trump Tower under the guise of selecting her as Vice President…only to have her re-enact the scene from The Godfather Part II where Michael tells Fredo, “I knew it was you.”
– 1/5 – Odds that Trump revisits a birth certificate joke at the his first White House Correspondents Dinner Speech
– 2/1 – Odds that Trump forces Chris Christie to explain his box-to-box M & M stance during a White House Press Conference
– 4/1 – Odds that Trump invites the Super Bowl Champions to the White House, only as a ruse to steal their Super Bowl Trophy and present that Trophy to any members of the New Jersey Generals willing to come to his USFL Remembrance Celebration on the White House lawn.
– 1/150 – That Trump can’t get Mexico to pay for building a Wall
– 10/1 – Adjusts design plans for the Wall to include a moat.
– 4/1 – Hosts a reality game-show where a portion of the Wall is turned into the set of American Gladiators and Immigrants compete for who gets entry into ‘MERICA
National Enquirer v. Hillary Clinton
Many believe the National Enquirer, which endorsed Trump, was in his pocket and, thus, the Ted Cruz affair story and subsequent, Ted Cruz’s father conspired to kill JFK story were born. What smear will the National Enquirer have for Clinton? Note: This is us predicting their, presumably, false, headline. We endorse none of these takes.
– 10/1 – Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders: An Affair to Remember
– 15/1 – Hillary Clinton’s pro-ISIS e-mail Bombshell
– 3/1 – Hillary Clinton’s Adopted Alien Baby a Trump Supporter
Trump Vice Presidential Odds Advice
Ok, so, this will be an actual real thing very soon. You can already find some, in my opinion, terrible, Trump – VP gambling odds here. We’ll give you a real breakdown below. Here, we’re giving the price we would consider making a bet at. So, when the real odds are released, you can compare.
– Women: Trump is very likely to select a woman. Basically, so he can the “woman card” that he referenced Hillary was playing last week. It wouldn’t mean a whole lot, but, Trump will think it means everything, and talk about it incessantly. Good plays here are Sarah Palin, Nikki Haley and Condoleeza Rice.
– Longshot Selections: Look, everyone loves to play a longshot. What should a good longshot play have? First, it should have some semblance of opportunity to happen. Which is why Gary Busey would not be a good longshot selection. That’s like gambling on Leicester City to win the Premier League. Good plays here, look to Omarosa, or any Celebrity Apprentice winner; OR, Joe Scarborough.
– Pathetic Dudes Trump Seems to Enjoy: Rudy Giuliani owns this category.
– Pathetic Dudes Trump Seems to Enjoy Making Fun of: Interesting distinction. Ben Carson and Chris Christie both find themselves in this category.
– Actual Dudes Trump Will Select Because the General Public Believes Them to be Worthy of Vice President: Howard Stern
– Politicians: Marco Rubio is not a bad selection. The two would have to have a “Penis Summit” and discuss for a certainty that Trump has a larger penis, but, providing that happens, I could see them putting their differences to the side and working together.
If you have not checked out Episode 10 of the Allegedly On The Issues Podcast…what are you waiting for? This week, we discuss: Bribery, Carly Fiorina looking to lose twice, Washington Post Trying to Get Clever with Gun Statistics. Plus, we welcome Conservative Comedian Evan Sayet onto the Podcast to discuss Black Lives Matter, Trump and the Election and all manner of insults directed towards Liberals. Check out the latest episode below.
Two* Bernie Sanders Props
– 4/1 – That Trump will continue to push for AND ultimately succeed in having Bernie Sanders run as an Independent. Trump is a master manipulator, and given the pie-in-the-sky aspect of Bernie’s political positions, he seems gullible.
– 10/1 – Bernie Sanders as Trump’s VP. Crazy, right? However, both are populists, and Sanders seems determined to stay in this race forever. To the point of thinking he can flip Super-Delegates and still defeat Hillary. Surely, Trump being assassinated would be more likely than Sanders flipping Super-Delegates, right?
* The number two selected in memory of the two African Americans to actually vote for Sanders this Primary Season.
– 556 – Number of Feet Trump will add in height to the White House in order to declare it a Trump Tower.
– 4 – Number of Weeks Before Trump Declares that “the whole Monica thing” came about because Hillary could not keep Bill Clinton Satisfied
– .5 – Number of times Trump allows Chris Christie to step foot in the White House
– .5 – Number of times Trump allows Ben Carson to step foot in the White House
– 7 – Number of days as President before Trump calls into the Howard Stern Show
– 3 – Number of solid nicknames Trump comes up with for Hillary before November. He’s at one: Crooked Hillary
So Long, Ted Cruz
– 4/1 – Odds Bobby Knight talks shit on Ted Cruz and his basketball “ring” remark now that he’s done campaigning for Trump and being, presumably, cordial.
– 1/10 – That Ted Cruz writes a handwritten note of apology to Trump for all of the mean things that he said about Trump, and asking, very politely, for consideration as Vice President.
– 4/1 – Only plays if parlayed with the above: Trump responds, agreeing with Cruz, IF, Ted agrees to begin introducing himself not as Ted anymore, but, using his first name, and stating, “Hello, I’m Rafael, like the Ninja Turtle.”
– 2/1 – Only plays if parlayed with the above: Trump ultimately appoints Cruz only as Ambassador to some random European Country that will surely hate him.
– 3/1 – That Trump uses a reality television show to select the next Supreme Court Justice
– 2/1 – Odds that Bill Clinton votes for Donald Trump
– 1/150 – Trump declares, within two years that being President is easy and that he’s super-bored with being the greatest President.