A “Unsullied! Slay the masters, slay the soldiers, slay every man who holds a whip, but harm no child. Strike the chains off every slave you see!” -Danaerys Stormborn, Breaker of Chains

There is a lot of talk about whether the Purple Wedding was better for readers or viewers. I envy the viewers. One of my friends from high school, a reader normally, has made the decision to be one of the TV folk. What a kick it must have been to be worried about Tyrion! On another of my favorite shows Holly, the computer with an IQ of 6000 who runs Red Dwarf, erases his memory of Sherlock Holmes so he can read it again. I think I’d do that then join Julie and her family in the earnest prayer: “Tyrion make it to season five alive.” (If you haven’t seen the Game of Thrones crossover of the Frozen song follow the link)

NY jets“Every show another bearded guy.” is another line from that Frozen parody. Don’t even bother to try and keep track. The novels start fracturing into a maze of different plots about where the show is now. We’re all waiting for George R.R. Martin to clean up the loose ends. I hear he plans on actually doing some writing between telling the NY Jets how to run their team. I swear if I read the next two million words and he doesn’t solve the whodunit of Joffrey’s assasination…

Click here for the Superficial Gallery recap of episode three: The Lion and Rose


Nobody actually gives a dam about Joffrey. That’s the first thing I noticed about “Breaker of Chains.” Even Cersei is more fixated on killing her little (*ducks catcalls*) brother than on grieving. Tywin lectures the backup Lannister over the still smirking corpse and Jaime bones Cersei on the bier. Even the bride for ten minutes is just upset that all her kingly husbands die before she can exploit them. Speaking of backup Lannisters did you TV folk notice who has the royal princess now?

In some places, the highborn frown on those of low birth. In other places, the rape and murder of women and children is considered distasteful. What a fortunate thing for you, former Queen Regent, that your daughter Myrcella has been sent to live in the latter sort of place. -Prince Oberyn Martell

Listening to Tywin you get the idea that Joffrey wasn’t even close to being the worst king despite trying so hard. Stannis the other contender for the Iron Throne doesn’t yet have an army to perpetrate his own special legacy of batshit crazy. That doesn’t stop him from abusing the faithful Davos who Elizabeth…excuse me Shireen is teaching how to read. Isn’t it fun how they keep slipping these history lessons in between hookers and bloodbaths.

Who doesn’t love Arya?. The little psychopath revealed she’s pretty good at lying through her teeth during this episode. In a lot of ways I’ve always wished that the story had just been about Arya and the Hound. Their journey is Martin’s way of showing what happens to ordinary people when higher ups play a Game of Thrones. When violence and instability are the norm that farmer and his daughter are eventually going to realize it doesn’t matter if it was the Frey’s or the Koch brothers that betrayed the good and noble Tully’s. They’re just going to want to stop whatever son of a bitch on a horse is riding through the barley field no matter what house he belongs to.

kaleesiAcross the narrow sea in the completely separate show Daenerys gets a big speech to the slaves of Merren. I’ve heard that Sean Connery wouldn’t sign up for Red October till John Milius wrote him an epic speech like this. Did Emilia Clarke get this one because she’s been so vocal about Daenerys doing the full Monty again? Who cares, she’s the Breaker of Chains! You’ve got to love the looks on the terrified masters of Mereen when the broken collars are chucked into the city. Out of all the candidates for the iron throne Daenerys is the only one with a clue about actually converting her subjects into followers. If she ever gets back to the mess that the Five Kings made of Westeros that’s going to play big to the newly tough farmer and his daughter.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Ygritte shoots a farmer so the other wildling can eat him. I didn’t even bother to figure out who the cannibal was. Oberyn has come out officially as Bi which isn’t ever made clear in the books. The Red Viper has seven lovely bastard daughters but to talk about those ladies would be spoilers. Sam showed up again and he’s totally clueless even if he did kill a white walker. John Snow still knows nothing but the Night Watch is listening to his plans to defend Castle Black. It’s all just reminders of the stories the show doesn’t have time for.

This is George R.R. Martin; love him or hate him. Literature’s most infamous serial killer also writes literal pissing contests and some of the most horrible sex prose ever seen. TV folks, be thankful you didn’t have to wade through that. What kind of magic is making me buy into the Game of Thrones? If I knew that I’d be telling the NY Jets how to play.