Since you people are apparently illiterate pussies, and could not deal with a full recap, I did bullet points this time. The points are not in chronological order, nor are they funny, but, hey, your ADHD won’t be offended by them.

  • The Glee kids all discuss how much they love Michael Jackson, and we pretend to ignore the fact that no kid born in 1993 cared about Michael before he died.
  • Will agrees the Glee club should perform Michael songs, which does not help his image as a pedophile.
  • Rachel is yet to answer Finn’s proposal, and has not heard from NYATA.
  • New Directions and The Warblers have an incredibly tedious war over the right to perform Michael Jackson.
  • There are two sing-offs, both even more ridiculous than you might imagine.
  • Sebastian, the Warbler, has gone from sneaky to full-on soap opera villian.
  • Blaine gets hit in the eye with a tainted slushie.
  • Dianna Agron continues to make her apathy towards the show incredibly evident, but Quinn does, in fact, get a solo, and it is the only song in the episode that doesn’t seem forced or insincere.
  • Kurt gets into NYATA, which worries Rachel, and, therefore, she can’t even try to seem happy for him.
  • Rachel is terrified about her future because NYATA did not send her an acceptance letter yet, and starts to wonder if marrying Finn may be the best choice, because she has nothing else going for her. The feminist movement is not pleased.
  • Quinn gives Rachel a talking to, saying Finn is an anchor, and she should not be carrying the anchor into her future. She got into Yale, and tells the Glee club- but actually Rachel- that her past will not define her, and she will begin a new future with a new slate, blah blah.
  • New Directions and The Warblers have an incredibly tedious war over Blaine’s eye.
  • Finn and Rachel sing a duet, and she agrees to marry Finn.
  • In the final shot, Rachel informs Kurt that she got into NYATA. Kurt asks if she told Finn yet, and we zoom in on Rachel’s face, which is all, “s***, I don’t need him anymore.”

Overall, I was amazed by how terrible this episode was. It felt like an SNL skit, or a parody of a self-parody. This may be the point of no return for GLEE- at least, for me. The show has had many idiotic plot twists that could have been Jump the Shark moments, but I am not sure they can smooth out the jagged edges of this episode.

Stay tuned for Ricky Martin’s GLEE debut next week.