We are immediately thrown into a song, Summer Nights from Grease. The girls are begging Mercedes for all the details on her summer romance with Sam, and I call bullsh*t. We’re in January. Mercedes has been sitting in the Glee club with them since the first day of school in September. Then again, it is no secret Mercedes is completely disposable to the Glee club. They probably forgot she exists altogether. Even Tina, who may or may not be a selective mute, got to talk about her boring romance with Mike a few hundred times this season.

Quinn and Santana have decided they are way too cool for this number. Quinn sits there, doing nothing, and Santana shoves the girls, making them fall in a domino effect. Side note: I hate to do this, because I love the costumes on this show, but what the f*ck was the wardrobe department thinking here? As I said, it is January at this point- in Ohio- and some characters are dressed for spring. Amber Riley looks really beautiful here, though.

The boys ask Sam about the summer romance. Kurt starts singing, but- surprise!- he’s with the girls. Hahahaha. It’s funny because gay guys are actually female. There is a weird split-screen composition between Mercedes and Sam, and Sam actually flinches, as if he suddenly sees a big black mirage to his right. I am almost completely sure this wasn’t intentional, which makes it funnier.

Cheerio Becky starts narrating. She says she is the “hottest bitch in McKinley,” and claims she can get any guy she wants. Here’s the thing, though- her narration is done by Helen Mirren, in her stuffiest British accent. It’s genius. Seriously. “You may be wondering why I sound like the Queen of England,” she says, “it’s simple. In my mind, I can sound like whoever I want, so lay off, haters.” Honestly, just watch this scene. The writers of Glee are complete morons at times, but I give credit where credit is due, and this was brilliant. Becky scans through the boys of McKinley, deciding who she will date. Rory? “Grins too much.” Puck? [Mohawk joke that was probably plucked from a Tumblr post.] Mike? “I’m no rice queen.” She settles on Artie, who is sweet and handi-capable, like Becky herself.
Becky consults with Sue, who asks about Jason, the boy with Down’s she took to prom. “I like hot dogs, and he likes pizza,” she explains, which is actually more complex and important than half of the reasons the other characters break up on this show. Sue advises Becky to ask Artie out, but says she thinks she could do better.

In the lunch room, Emma notes that Coach Beiste is having two whole chickens today, instead of her usual one. She explains that she is eating celebratory poultry- she and Cooter eloped. The backstory involves a Taco Bell and Christmas. Sue is clearly not happy about this, because this means she can’t date Cooter, and says she will now have to date David Boreanaz. Good idea- he’s married, but that clearly doesn’t stop him.